Ask HN: How do I rebuild at 36yo after a checkered career of undiagnosed ADHD?

After 36 years of spinning my wheels unfocused, scatterbrained, and anxious, I was finally and recently diagnosed with ADHD. Medication has begun and I've noticed some improvements, but there's still a long way to go.

My struggle with ADHD and its severe deficiencies in executive function and memory have made it near impossible to: 1) accrue knowledge & experience in real-time across my career, 2) recollect the information that may have actually made it through to my brain, 3) play long-term strategic games, resulting in a lot of burned bridges and unfinished projects.

In an effort to jumpstart my career, I've spent the past year applying to jobs in my field and while there's been a good bit of traction as far as being invited to interview, my interview performance is so laughably abysmal. I cannot access any information when needed. The information I do have access to is fragmented and scattered. Rejection sensitivity creates a suffocating urgency to impress and be perfect. I can't be "myself."

The sum total of these challenges is that I am in no way capable of inspiring even an ounce of confidence. I look good on paper and crumple in person. I know I have potential, but I need more time than a 30-minute call allots to show it. At this age, no one is hiring for potential and no one is willing to give me a chance. I don't blame them.

I feel like I'm operating with half a brain, and that half is atrophied over the years of blank-mindedness. I struggle to think in detail. I struggle to think in a clear and structured way. I just struggle to think. I feel cognitively impaired.

How do I even begin rebuilding at this age? I want to be skillful. I want to be a leader. I want to contribute meaningfully.

Be mindful of the side effects. Other than that, don’t take yourself too seriously. Study up, have fun, and appreciate life. You are not “rebuilding”, that framing is bad. It’s a long wonderful journey for all of us, truly.

While I did great in the Nineties, I didn't leverage my work into a network of contacts. Giant mistake as the Dot Com crash destroyed me professionally. I went from making $65/hr to being homeless living in the woods.

I reinvented myself by going back to college working towards a Ph.D. in mathematics. I ended up concluding that I didn't have the communication skills needed to teach mathematics or the publications needed to be a researcher.

Ultimately I had to give up being a computer professional. I could no longer get intellectually and financially appropriate work. I have continued to work on a number of projects over the last twenty years, so I have preserved much of my programming skills. I have had a popular website for twenty years on http://tetration.org covering what exists beyond exponentiation.

I learned that something one must be ready to completely reinvent themselves to have a chance at happiness.

ADHD is part of the 'neuro-divergent' group I believe.

I've had a similar experience. I'm almost 30. I did a tough degree, but dropped in/out and had to drag my arse across the finish line. Same as school. Top student some days, worse than the worst other days. My grades are a literal sine wave if you track them yea-on-year, month-on-month. Same with work. Also, jobs have been very tough. I've had similar experiences with interviews. But I just got a job offer, after many trials. Before that offer (literally happened today), I was made redundant from a toxic role.

Like you, I'm very capable, and smart (enough) - the ADHD just makes me very inconsistent and emotional. I can barely recall any information from my degree, my knowledge has literal gaping holes. But I did not know I was trialling through ADHD at the time, I just thought I was an idiot and that I couldn't handle things like most people.

But, it will get better. I'm medicated now, have been for a short while and it has helped me focus, but on top of that, the ADHD (has always) given me an insane drive compared to most people I meet.

So now I'm hopeful, and I see a new job as a new start, first time medicated and understanding this ADHD thing.

I have faith it will work out for you. If you need to, consider doing a 'lesser' job/role in the meantime until you feel stable and your medication is working. It will get better, you are still young. You can be the best you on medication (and you can pick up other healthy habits too).

Also re your goals. Know thyself - both strengths, and weaknesses. Lean into the strengths, whatever they may be. Be aware of the weaknesses.