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How to grow professional relationships

tej.as

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Re: How to grow professional relationships

#61

Post by LoganDark »

blitzar wrote: post #15
mkmk wrote: post #9

On the practical side of things, one important behavior that I see people frequently forget is the importance of following up. This is probably the biggest differentiator between relationships that languish in the early stages, versus those that progress along the author’s continuum. It’s always a bit strange when you only hear from people once every few years, just as they need an intro or career advice or whatever-…

> bit strange when you only hear from people once every few years, just as they need an intro or career advice or whatever This might out me as a psycopath, however, cut to the f'ing chase. If it is a transactional conversation don't insult my intelligence by pretending that it isn't. Obvioulsy this can create a problem as I tend towards "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". If something is within my m…

I nearly lol'd at the people immediately jumping to "you're not a psychopath", as if that's a bad thing. Psychopathy can be essentially the selective inhibition of empathy (not to be confused with a total lack of empathy as in ASPD). If you choose not to feel empathy for people who are trying to small-talk you then that could technically be called psychopathy. And also a relatively common symptom of autism! (I, also, hate small talk in many transactional conversations, and am autistic.)

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#62

Post by tejaskumar_ »

LoganDark wrote: post #61
blitzar wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> bit strange when you only hear from people once every few years, just as they need an intro or career advice or whatever This might out me as a psycopath, however, cut to the f'ing chase. If it is a transactional conversation don't insult my intelligence by pretending that it isn't. Obvioulsy this can create a problem as I tend towards "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". If something is within my m…

I nearly lol'd at the people immediately jumping to "you're not a psychopath", as if that's a bad thing. Psychopathy can be essentially the selective inhibition of empathy (not to be confused with a total lack of empathy as in ASPD). If you choose not to feel empathy for people who are trying to small-talk you then that could technically be called psychopathy. And also a relatively common symptom of autism! (I, also,…

This isn't entirely accurate. Psychopathy involves impaired affective (emotional) empathy as a core trait, while cognitive empathy remains intact or can even be enhanced. This is slightly different from autism, which typically shows impaired cognitive empathy but intact affective empathy.

Psychopathy is not about choosing not to feel empathy - it's a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by persistent deficits in emotional responsiveness and empathic concern for others (meaning they can't). -"opathy" is usually a disorder outside of one's control.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#64

Post by tejaskumar_ »

that_guy_iain wrote: post #59

I find this quite funny, I've worked with this author at a company and the stories of his behaviour to other coworkers there make my WTF collection. So to find him talking about growing professional relationships either means he's made massive strides in his behaviour or it's a lot of nonsense. This is the one I always tell people when I explain how WTF IT can be, I wasn't there for it, but it was retold with the aut…

Iain, nice to hear from you after all these years!

I still say the weirdest shit ever, but now more in line with my value of honoring people above all else. I indeed, by the grace of God, have made massive strides in my behavior thanks to friends like Gabe Greenberg from G2i.co (where I worked some time ago) and others.

I also talk about our shared company where we worked together and the toxic environment in this podcast: https://youtu.be/muS-wQP2lV4?si=XIVpuzc6TzsLUvpp&t=852 if you're interested to catch up a bit.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#65

Post by anal_reactor »

tejaskumar_ wrote: post #43
anal_reactor wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Obvioulsy this can create a problem as I tend towards "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". The fact that most people enjoy exactly the opposite of what I do was revolutionary to me, really explained a lot, and allowed me to navigate social interactions better. Having said this, I don't see the ROI on pleasing people I don't like. I try to gauge whether someone has the same vibe as I do, and if that'…

What are some primary reasons you don't like some people? Is it just a vibe mismatch like the chemical reactions the article suggests?

First, most common mismatch: different goals. The things I'm trying to achieve are not the things someone else is trying to achieve, which makes cooperation difficult. Or we might be trying to achieve the same thing, effectively competing for the same resources.

Second, less common but still common mismatch: different emotional responses. If an event happens and I react in way A while the other person reacts in way B, either of us needs to suppress the emotional reaction, which is exhausting. I'm not willing to do that, unless genuineness is not expected by definition (at work, at family reunion).

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#66

Post by LoganDark »

tejaskumar_ wrote: post #62
LoganDark wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I nearly lol'd at the people immediately jumping to "you're not a psychopath", as if that's a bad thing. Psychopathy can be essentially the selective inhibition of empathy (not to be confused with a total lack of empathy as in ASPD). If you choose not to feel empathy for people who are trying to small-talk you then that could technically be called psychopathy. And also a relatively common symptom of autism! (I, also,…

This isn't entirely accurate. Psychopathy involves impaired affective (emotional) empathy as a core trait, while cognitive empathy remains intact or can even be enhanced. This is slightly different from autism, which typically shows impaired cognitive empathy but intact affective empathy . Psychopathy is not about choosing not to feel empathy - it's a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by persistent deficits i…

I think you might have run into the exact thing I put in my comment: "not to be confused with ASPD", which is also sometimes called sociopathy. I use psychopathy and sociopathy differently (such that psychopathy is chosen while sociopathy is inherent) and choices like these can be an autistic trait. I'm not talking about empathic struggles, but rather a choice not to care too much about someone's emotions in a particular context. I don't know how to square these with the commonly accepted definitions because the commonly accepted definitions are kind of ridiculous (the terms psychopathy, sociopathy, and ASPD are collectively sort of ambiguous because they all each mean everything somehow; nearly everyone is confused about them in some way).

This is why I said psychopathy "can be" the selective inhibition of empathy, because by some definitions that's what it is. Other definitions like yours essentially define it as what I call sociopathy (simply being without empathy in the first place). I don't claim my definition to be the only definition because psychopathy can sort of mean either thing depending on who you ask, but I use my definition just for the sake of argument.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#67

Post by tejaskumar_ »

anal_reactor wrote: post #65
tejaskumar_ wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What are some primary reasons you don't like some people? Is it just a vibe mismatch like the chemical reactions the article suggests?

First, most common mismatch: different goals. The things I'm trying to achieve are not the things someone else is trying to achieve, which makes cooperation difficult. Or we might be trying to achieve the same thing, effectively competing for the same resources. Second, less common but still common mismatch: different emotional responses. If an event happens and I react in way A while the other person reacts in way B…

I love how self-aware you are about this. Honestly if I encounter the first mismatch I tend to operate just like you: will honor the person but also move away and towards my goal. Thanks for sharing!

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#68

Post by dennis_jeeves2 »

Nearly every professional 'relationship' I've had has been transient after you stop working with them, with people completely failing to reciprocate even after multiple attempts to reach out.

From talking to people I know that this experience is not unique to me, this appears to be the norm, may be it's the industry I work in : software development.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#69

Post by gadders »

mkmk wrote: post #9

On the practical side of things, one important behavior that I see people frequently forget is the importance of following up. This is probably the biggest differentiator between relationships that languish in the early stages, versus those that progress along the author’s continuum. It’s always a bit strange when you only hear from people once every few years, just as they need an intro or career advice or whatever-…

The other thing you can do is "Hey, I remember when we spoke you were interested in XX. I just found this article on it that I thought you might find interesting."

It's a tiny favour, but it also shows you listened to the other person.

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