For finding awesome people, the BurningMan community has been the most effective for me, YMMV! For maintaining quality relationships, e.g. with my late wife, the most effective thing was studying NVC together with a small group of friends. We would take 1-2 weeks to explore each chapter of Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" along with Lucy Leu's "Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook". We would practicing what we were learning during the week and meet 1 evening per chapter to discuss our experience. This became an annual practice with a revolving group of participants.
Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
71–80 of 97 posts
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#72Software best practices and code reuse. Seriously.
One big impediment to maintaining friendships is staring at a screen all day, and for a techie, staring at a screen all day is often caused by some hyper perfectionistic personal project.
Saying things like "Yeah, this custom distro is cool but it's just not worth the time, I'm gonna do this the big standard way like everyone else" improved my life AND my tech projects by a lot.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#73* Go to concerts, fantastic way to break out of your shell
* Get out on the water or underwater (if you dive)
* Find events to go to in your area (pick anything, doesn't matter, if it's going on try and go do it and try and do it with people)
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#74I think among programmers (introverts) a lot of them just don't want to leave their house. They're happy sitting at home, gaming, and drinking beer. Which might account for why the interest isn't always reciprocated.
If you're someone who actually likes to go out and do things, introverts make terrible friends. The extreme extroverts I know are always doing things together, because they want to.
In my life I eventually realized that I'm a thoughtful and sensitive person in a world that generally doesn't think of others. I'm the one who reaches out first more often because I'm genuinely interested in and curious about my friends.
I think the key in this situation is to recognize when the interest isn't reciprocated. If someone consistently disrespects you or pays no attention to you then you're barking up the wrong tree and need to move on.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#75My best connections are with people I’ve worked with to do big things; start business, play in a band, build homes; we built proper simpatico solving all the issues together along the way
Everyone I “socialized with”; beers, movies, games… no longer in my life.
Solving real problems builds real connection. Everything else was staring at modernist entertainment which isn’t “real”. They are transient experiences. No group skills building sitting on our collective asses staring at the circus.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#761) Learning about Attachment Theory was a breakthrough; it explains everything about my behavior, relationships, and life choices. It also suggests a method for change and ongoing personal development. Here are some books on Attachment Theory:
Attached https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-You...
A General Theory of Love https://www.amazon.com/General-Theory-Love-Thomas-Lewis/dp/0...
Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair [academic/professional text] https://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Disturbances-Adults-Treatm...
2) It's harder to make friends as you get older. Most friendships are built on an ongoing shared experience that is challenging, such as being in school together. Most of my adult-onset friendships are a result of having worked in small startup companies that were struggling to survive. Casual meetings of potential friends are much less likely to generate the energy and commitment for developing a friendship. If you're interested in the research on this, look into the work of Robin Dunbar, e.g.,
Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships https://www.amazon.com/Friends-Robin-Dunbar/dp/1408711737/
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#77> but never have this acquaintance seemingly think of me if I’m not directly asking them to hang
I've noticed sometimes in certain relationships it settles into one person usually doing the initiating. every relationship is different. I think it's something to do with how our personalities mesh together
> Maybe most people like to stay in a perpetual state of acquaintance-ness?
Do you actually like them? Are they interesting to talk to?
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#78Just being comfortable with myself.
It’s hard but end of the day I realized nobody really gives a shit they’re busy trying to be comfortable with themselves lol.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#79Be resilient. Be able to bounce back from pain or discomfort. Be interested. Be helpful. Be willing to be honest in a kind way.
> Be resilient. Be able to bounce back from pain or discomfort.
That's kinda like saying "be rich". Resilience takes a lot of time and effort, and only really builds after going through adversity, with healing and processing on the other side.
Perhaps better advice: be vulnerable, and prepared to deal with some pain and discomfort as a result. Identify people in your life who can help support you through painful interactions or events along the way. Learn strategies for framing and processing adversity through books like Learned Optimism (the ABCDE model) or "The Work".
I'm far from perfect, but this helped me build resilience to handle times when I "put myself out there" and it didn't work out.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#80I would talk less about myself and ask them about their lives.
To whom in your life do you feel most grateful?
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you had the power to change one thing about the world, what would it be?