Earlier quoted context omitted.
What other languages besides PHP have you used? I think a lot of us dislike PHP because we're putting it in the context of better designed languages.
Sorry to respond twice to your post, but I realized this was a great opportunity to learn something. Given my basic example in my post, what language would you recommend I try to accomplish this task? I like to stay away from frameworks so basically I'm asking you to not suggest Rails, however don't be afraid to suggest ruby. If you feel like typing something out, let me know why you suggest it and what advantages it…
Aside from happiness, there are things that make Ruby more powerful. For example, you can cleanly implement the reactor pattern (think: NodeJS) with EventMachine and with EM-Synchrony you can avoid the callback hell that comes with NodeJS.
If you want, you can look at Sinatra to provide the common functionality that the PHP framework provides. With Sinatra you're not all-but-forced to use an ORM like you are with Rails, as Sinatra doesn't include one. If you really want, you can go closer to the metal and look directly at Rack, which is middleware between web servers (Apache, Nginx, etc) and the actual application.
There's really no right way to do it, but the best thing is to learn and explore. Some people will recommend Python, and while it's a decent language, it's got some things I consider to be rough edges -- lack of useful language features, such as switch/case statements, and badly implemented parts of its standard library that handle network requests.
The next language on my learning list is Go. I've heard nothing but good things about it, but I'll reserve my judgment until I have some experience with it.