The source of our acts of freedom leans more heavily towards our unconscious. This is because our consciousness is ruled by social order, economic order, ideology etc. We take facts, advice that fit what our unconscious can use. For example, we never fall in love because of facts/pros/cons, but only realize afterwards that it has happened. It's not so much that advice doesn't work, but rather provocation to think is what works and advice is about surplus enjoyment of the advisor.
Why doesn't advice work?
301–310 of 334 posts
Re: Why doesn't advice work?
#302Advice is a solution to a problem. When you give advice, you need to understand where a person is on this awareness scale:
1. Problem unaware
2. Problem aware
3. Solution aware
4. Implementation aware
5. Very aware
If you approach someone with advice about the best way to speed up their DB, but they don't think that their DB is slow, they won't listen to you.
If you approach someone with advice that RabbitMQ is the best message queue, but they have no idea what a message queue is, they won't listen to you.
You need to understand where a person is before you give advice. When talking with them, you need to adapt your language to their awareness level.
Problem unaware people either don't have a problem. If you want to give them advice, ask questions that will make them realize that there is a problem.
Problem aware people know that they have a problem but don't know that a solution exists. A while ago I knew that setting up my own MTA was a pain, but I did not know that SaaS email senders existed! When speaking to people like this, let them know that a solution exists for the problem, and see if they are interested in hearing more.
Solution aware people know that a solution exists, but don't know which particular solution is best for them. This is a good time to give advice and make them aware of a particular implementation.
Implementation aware people know about a sufficient solution for their problem, but might not be aware of how to fine-tune it, or about other solutions that offer a different set of tradeoffs. This is a time to have an in-depth conversation.
P.S. I adapted this from another framework called "Schwartz's five stages of awareness" https://vipcreative.co.uk/the-five-stages-of-awareness-and-h...
Re: Why doesn't advice work?
#303If advice “worked” all the the time you’d be able to control other people. Advice fails because people either don’t want it or aren’t ready for it.
Re: Why doesn't advice work?
#304Hard lessons I've learned: 1. It doesn't matter what your title is, how much expert education, training, or experience you have, or even what hard lessons that you have learned: you are not an "expert" in an area unless you are invited in as an "expert". Put another way, unsolicited advice is unwelcome. 2. Smart people want to solve their own problems. Don't offer solutions. No one will feel empowered or much of a se…
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Re: Why doesn't advice work?
#305Hard lessons I've learned: 1. It doesn't matter what your title is, how much expert education, training, or experience you have, or even what hard lessons that you have learned: you are not an "expert" in an area unless you are invited in as an "expert". Put another way, unsolicited advice is unwelcome. 2. Smart people want to solve their own problems. Don't offer solutions. No one will feel empowered or much of a se…
Lesson I learned from this comment: you can dish out as much of heavy-handed advice as your heart desires, as long as you preface it with the phrase "things i've learned"
You apparently fail to understand the humility of stating what one has learned vs telling someone else what to do. They are very very different things.
Re: Why doesn't advice work?
#306Hard lessons I've learned: 1. It doesn't matter what your title is, how much expert education, training, or experience you have, or even what hard lessons that you have learned: you are not an "expert" in an area unless you are invited in as an "expert". Put another way, unsolicited advice is unwelcome. 2. Smart people want to solve their own problems. Don't offer solutions. No one will feel empowered or much of a se…
A really simple way to bypass a lot of issues is simply to ask: "Do you want my advice?" And accept "No" if that's the answer. Often, the answer is actually "Yes", and the same advice that would have been taken as criticism if given without consent, is accepted. All unsolicited advice is taken as criticism. But there's no rule that you can't offer the opportunity to solicit advice. Other ways of asking might be appro…
> All unsolicited advice is taken as criticism. But there's no rule that you can't offer the opportunity to solicit advice.
So true
Re: Why doesn't advice work?
#307The rules I have for myself when giving advice are: 1. Unsolicited advice is always criticism. 2. LISTEN TO THEIR ACTUAL PROBLEM ALL THE WAY. 3. Never tell someone what they should do, tell them what you would do in that situation. 4. Remember that the purpose of giving advice is just to illuminate options, not to have someone follow what you recommend to the letter. 5. As the advice giver understand that you could b…
I abide by these principles precisely. Didn’t always. I have a couple extras.
6. On the rare chance I offer advice without being asked, I always frame it as “here’s what I learned the hard way. Do you mind if I tell you how I screwed up in a similar situation?”
7. And then I hasten to tell the other party I won’t be offended if they ignore what I said. Unless it’s the fact that Scarlett Johansson deserved a much much better script for the Black Widow movie and deserves a Mulligan, which is an undeniable fact.
Mostly though I just listen because people almost never actually want advice, but they’re often in need of a good listener.
Re: Why doesn't advice work?
#308Hard lessons I've learned: 1. It doesn't matter what your title is, how much expert education, training, or experience you have, or even what hard lessons that you have learned: you are not an "expert" in an area unless you are invited in as an "expert". Put another way, unsolicited advice is unwelcome. 2. Smart people want to solve their own problems. Don't offer solutions. No one will feel empowered or much of a se…
A really simple way to bypass a lot of issues is simply to ask: "Do you want my advice?" And accept "No" if that's the answer. Often, the answer is actually "Yes", and the same advice that would have been taken as criticism if given without consent, is accepted. All unsolicited advice is taken as criticism. But there's no rule that you can't offer the opportunity to solicit advice. Other ways of asking might be appro…
"Do you want some advice?" sounds too condescending for my taste, both from the giver and the receiver. Having moved to the United States from a European country, I have discovered that there is a particular dance that most people do in the land of the free that takes away authenticity (not to be confused with being rude, impolite or, even worse, "brutal") and inserts a kind of artificial kindness or feigned interest in the fate of others. This is also what one observes when working in the corporate world: "If I understood you correctly", "let me unpack that"--the therapization of everyday life in which the rulers are the HR people.
Instead of the ballet of "do you want my advice," it would be better to switch to "I think one of the possible courses of action is," or "I have encountered something similar in the past and, at least in spirit, this is what I found helpful." Those are minor dances that tend to work because in any case, almost no one likes to be told "do this or do that" when the one carrying the message is not the one who will suffer the consequences of the wrong action.
Re: Why doesn't advice work?
#309Hard lessons I've learned: 1. It doesn't matter what your title is, how much expert education, training, or experience you have, or even what hard lessons that you have learned: you are not an "expert" in an area unless you are invited in as an "expert". Put another way, unsolicited advice is unwelcome. 2. Smart people want to solve their own problems. Don't offer solutions. No one will feel empowered or much of a se…
I was going to object to number three, considering my spouse and I are both engineers, but to be honest, almost all the time I do just want him to "fix it".
Re: Why doesn't advice work?
#310Earlier quoted context omitted.
A really simple way to bypass a lot of issues is simply to ask: "Do you want my advice?" And accept "No" if that's the answer. Often, the answer is actually "Yes", and the same advice that would have been taken as criticism if given without consent, is accepted. All unsolicited advice is taken as criticism. But there's no rule that you can't offer the opportunity to solicit advice. Other ways of asking might be appro…
"Do you want some advice?" sounds too condescending for my taste, both from the giver and the receiver. Having moved to the United States from a European country, I have discovered that there is a particular dance that most people do in the land of the free that takes away authenticity (not to be confused with being rude, impolite or, even worse, "brutal") and inserts a kind of artificial kindness or feigned interest…
> Instead of the ballet of "do you want my advice," it would be better to switch to "I think one of the possible courses of action is," or "I have encountered something similar in the past and, at least in spirit, this is what I found helpful."
Strong disagree--it has to be a question. The entire point of my post is:
1. Ask for consent before giving advice. 2. If they say no, don't give them the advice.
This isn't "artificial kindness or feigned interest in the fate of others"--I agree that exists in the US--it's a real question where the answer really does affect what you decide to do.