91–100 of 334 posts
I think it's a pretty simple, and timeless, aspect of human nature: "People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come into the mind of others." - Blaise Pascal, 1670
The trick is suggesting something to a person in a manner so they thought they came up with the idea itself.
I think it's a pretty simple, and timeless, aspect of human nature: "People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come into the mind of others." - Blaise Pascal, 1670
I wonder if the problem is that, when you give someone advice, you're not giving them the whole thought-structure you've built that strongly implies the advice - you're just giving them the result. So they don't have any of the ideas that support the advice, just a blind aphorism. Maybe it would help to only give advice in long discussions where you show someone all the structure under the advice and then poke at it…
I'm skeptical. My observation is that it's the messenger that is ignored. Ignoring the advice is simply a side-effect of this.
Consider how many people pay therapists many thousands of dollars to simply hear what their spouse was telling them for years.
"Move your feet up" is a cue. It's shorthand for something much more complicated that you've already learned and need to be reminded to apply in the moment. When squatting, someone might tell you to "drive from the hips" or "knees out." When singing, someone might advise "diaphragm!" When coding, "DRY!" The obvious interpretation of these things don't stand on their own. Cues aren't advice.
I’d be wary of following almost any romantic advice out there. People who are best qualified to give advice tend to give the least cause they know how little use there is in advice. This creates a scenario where the least useful advice is the most plenty because those with experience know that advice is useless. So many people have had the luxury of being physically attractive, in the right place at the right time, a…
Step 0 - Ask "Would you like my advice?" Anything other than a sincere yes (not a maybe, not a patient okay, not a hmm) then don't give advice.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
> themselves discovered Do you think people consider recommendation systems (feeds which inform their worldview) to be a part of natural order of things so they don't suspect it. Even if they know it to be algorithmic, nudges can be inserted at appropriate times when our guards are down.
This is one of the ways people can go down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories. They think they "discovered for themselves" some secret truth that "the elite" or "the experts" don't want them to know. Then they find a community of similarly-awakened people who lower their guards even more and point them to other "alternative truths" that they can go DiscoverForThemselves™ too. Probably the same psychology behind t…
1. Unsolicited advice is always criticism.
2. LISTEN TO THEIR ACTUAL PROBLEM ALL THE WAY.
3. Never tell someone what they should do, tell them what you would do in that situation.
4. Remember that the purpose of giving advice is just to illuminate options, not to have someone follow what you recommend to the letter.
5. As the advice giver understand that you could be the one who is wrong.
It's never about trying to convince someone to do what you want, it's about showing them an option and letting them decide.
Progressing from 0 to experience to decent can be fast if you’re willing to make second choices. Realize that as a novice, your first impulse is probably wrong. If it comes into conflict with the advice of people who know what they’re talking about, find a second or third impulse. Maybe you need a little more time to find that foothold.
This is a type of discipline, but a small discipline. It’s not about waking up at 4am and doing hours of drills every day. It’s about doing any amount of practice properly, even if there’s something that feels easier in the moment.
(This leads into another rant of why “find what works for you” is the antifreeze of advice - tasty and toxic. It takes people out of a learning mindset and puts them in a judging one.)
I really liked this particular framing.
Of course that’s because it concisely states what I’m already struggling to accomplish in a conversation, and the types of people I end up seeking or avoiding. It’s obviously not going to stop a willful asshole from doing what they do, they know their user experience is bad, and they enjoy it that way.
Another useful thing I eventually discovered that sticks with me is “Not all conversion is information exchange”.
A lot of the times when people talk, rather than wanting “facts or fixes”, what they are instead seeking to accomplish is to share, regulate or calibrate their emotions with other people. Smalltalk isn’t about the content (which will be forgotten), it’s about social bonding and a way of saying to someone “you matter enough to be with”. What they will remember is how they felt around you. For those like myself with some degree of alexithymia, it can be surprising just how much of an important factor emotions can play in the daily experience of other people.