Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023) • Hacker News Board

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#111

Post by jalapenos » Thu, Jul 25, 2024, 7:14 AM UTC

cpill wrote: post #109

jalapenos wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a very powerful concept, but people don't trust in it as much as they used to, because our culture has become hostile to it. Sexual promiscuity is counter to it. This level of fine detail requires a culture of commiting to a specific individual rather than a quantifiable generic gain. School is counter to it. It wants to shoehorn people into a specific definition of achievement. Internet is counter to it. The…

Having lived in Germany for about 10 years (I'm Australian) I found their attitudes to most things more mature than ether Australia or what is portrayed in American media. Europeans always seem to step back, try to find a compromise and ideally mutual benefit. Asian cultures have also quite different again. I found the refreshing thing about 'Spirited Away', the animation, is the character arc for the "adversarial" c…

Yep, narcissism 101, any conflict is to be remedied by increasing force on the other side until they're defeated.

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#112

Post by MezzoDelCammin » Thu, Jul 25, 2024, 1:40 PM UTC

tetris11 wrote: post #42

mijustin wrote: post #2

These were the crucial bits for me: > "Sundays are for listing everything that went wrong during the week on the blackboard we painted on the wall of my study, so we can figure out what needs to change." and > "I liked to think about our life as a piece of software. We had our routines and our principles, this was the code. We ran the code by living it. The list on the blackboard was the bug log, a record of the ways…

My ex and I used to do this. Every month we'd plan out the next few months from dates/appointments, incorporating things we had to do, and things we wanted to do. And every month, we'd sift through the previous month, bump ahead tasks that were missed, discuss tasks that had been bumped repeatedly, and - most importantly - reflect on the last month's achievements together. As an aside, we would also every year make a…

not to pry into Your privacy too much, but reading this kinda makes me wonder how come You're now exes. Without it the comment reads lie a piece of evidence for this iterative approach working out fairly well.

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#113

Post by deprecative » Thu, Jul 25, 2024, 2:42 PM UTC

wizerno wrote: post #5

This is so important and underrated in life. > "This is what I infer when I see someone who is comfortable in their unique strangeness, too. There probably exists someone who enabled that evolution of personality. A parent, a friend group, a spouse. It is rare for people to come into themselves if no one is excited and curious about their core, their potential. We need someone who gives us space to unfold."

The inverse seems true. I'm someone that was essentially socially isolated until college and neglected broadly the entire time. I am hyper aware of what I need to do to blend in. I hate being acknowledged or praised and I really do not like attention. Essentially, I feel zero security in myself and have no idea who "I" am.

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#114

Post by tetris11 » Thu, Jul 25, 2024, 9:13 PM UTC

MezzoDelCammin wrote: post #112

tetris11 wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My ex and I used to do this. Every month we'd plan out the next few months from dates/appointments, incorporating things we had to do, and things we wanted to do. And every month, we'd sift through the previous month, bump ahead tasks that were missed, discuss tasks that had been bumped repeatedly, and - most importantly - reflect on the last month's achievements together. As an aside, we would also every year make a…

not to pry into Your privacy too much, but reading this kinda makes me wonder how come You're now exes. Without it the comment reads lie a piece of evidence for this iterative approach working out fairly well.

I wonder too sometimes, there was a strong love between us. I thought that would be enough, but somehow it wasn't for me.

Reading the article really helped highlight some failings:

>The type of person I’m assuming we’re looking for here is 1) someone that you will find fascinating to talk to after you’ve talked for 20,000 hours, 2) you feel comfortable with them talking through the hardest and most painful decisions you will face in your life, and 3) the conversation is wildly generative for both of you, in that it brings you out, helps you become.

With my Ex, we were great at (2), but (1) and (3) were lacking and we'd resort to friends and colleagues to get that feedback.

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#115

Post by hypertele-Xii » Mon, Aug 05, 2024, 6:44 PM UTC

riehwvfbk wrote: post #17

hypertele-Xii wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You might have existential imposter syndrome.

Your illusion of higher purpose is part of the very same evolutionary loop ;)

The evolutionary illusion of a loop is part of the very same higher purpose :P