Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023) • Hacker News Board

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#11

Post by cen4 » Wed, Jul 24, 2024, 4:33 AM UTC

Thanks to globalization people have more choice in the environments they live in and change environments with much more ease than in the past. While talking about relationships the focus naturally goes to individuals, it should be recognized that growth in relationships on top of ever changing environments gets much more tricky.

Transport, Communication, Finance, Info networks have all changed drastically from the past.

And the sociologists have been pointing that out for a long time now. Check out

Zygmunt Bauman's Liquid Modernity.

Beck's Normal Chaos of Love

Works of Judith Stacey

Its a complex ever changing world out there. Coevolution requires a bit of stablity in the environments. Focus should not just be on what individuals are doing for each other but on how they shape the environment around them in ways that makes such things more possible.

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#12

Post by bluefirebrand » Wed, Jul 24, 2024, 5:04 AM UTC

Swizec wrote: post #8

bluefirebrand wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think if you have enough problems to list them on a weekly basis, your relationship is probably in trouble I feel like healthy relationships don't have a rate of a problem or more per week

> I feel like healthy relationships don't have a rate of a problem or more per week Problems are much quicker and easier to resolve when they’re fresh and small than after you let them simmer into deep resentment. “Hey when you left that empty can on the coffee table on Friday, it made me feel like you don’t care about our shared space” vs “You always leave shit everywhere and I’m sick and tired of looking at your me…

Bringing up issues is fine

If you have so many issues you need to bring them up on a weekly basis? Less fine.

Yes, relationships require work, communication and maintenance but issues coming up that frequently would be a sure sign that something is dysfunctional imo

Edit: And similarly, like another commenter pointed out, treating it like a weekly task that needs to be done does seem like it would invite nit picking. Deliberately seeking out problems just to have something to talk about at the weekly retrospective

There are a lot of things that my wife does that I don't like, but unless I actually have a reason beyond "that is mildly annoying to me" I don't usually ask her to stop.

Part of relationships is also just learning to let the small things go.

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#13

Post by patcon » Wed, Jul 24, 2024, 5:17 AM UTC

bluefirebrand wrote: post #12

Swizec wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I feel like healthy relationships don't have a rate of a problem or more per week Problems are much quicker and easier to resolve when they’re fresh and small than after you let them simmer into deep resentment. “Hey when you left that empty can on the coffee table on Friday, it made me feel like you don’t care about our shared space” vs “You always leave shit everywhere and I’m sick and tired of looking at your me…

Bringing up issues is fine If you have so many issues you need to bring them up on a weekly basis? Less fine. Yes, relationships require work, communication and maintenance but issues coming up that frequently would be a sure sign that something is dysfunctional imo Edit: And similarly, like another commenter pointed out, treating it like a weekly task that needs to be done does seem like it would invite nit picking.…

Isn't the rate that is “trouble” up to the couple? I can imagine a really compat couple who trust one another bringing up a dozen small things, and each hearing them with humility. If they're both the sorta ppl who really want to “get” their partner, that could be them discovering the boundary between selves in higher and higher resolution

I dunno, lots of ppl in the thread seem to dislike the idea, but I don’t think theres a universal healthy/unhealthy line. It’s seemingly just a matter of taste and synchrony between partners :)

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#14

Post by skummetmaelk » Wed, Jul 24, 2024, 7:35 AM UTC

mijustin wrote: post #2

These were the crucial bits for me: > "Sundays are for listing everything that went wrong during the week on the blackboard we painted on the wall of my study, so we can figure out what needs to change." and > "I liked to think about our life as a piece of software. We had our routines and our principles, this was the code. We ran the code by living it. The list on the blackboard was the bug log, a record of the ways…

Works as long as you don't think too deeply about why exactly you're doing that.

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#15

Post by skummetmaelk » Wed, Jul 24, 2024, 7:38 AM UTC

wizerno wrote: post #5

This is so important and underrated in life. > "This is what I infer when I see someone who is comfortable in their unique strangeness, too. There probably exists someone who enabled that evolution of personality. A parent, a friend group, a spouse. It is rare for people to come into themselves if no one is excited and curious about their core, their potential. We need someone who gives us space to unfold."

Humans are very good at pretending we are more than just biological machines acting according to genetically imposed network structure refined by lifetime history of training inputs.

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#16

Post by hypertele-Xii » Wed, Jul 24, 2024, 8:06 AM UTC

skummetmaelk wrote: post #15

wizerno wrote: post #5

This is so important and underrated in life. > "This is what I infer when I see someone who is comfortable in their unique strangeness, too. There probably exists someone who enabled that evolution of personality. A parent, a friend group, a spouse. It is rare for people to come into themselves if no one is excited and curious about their core, their potential. We need someone who gives us space to unfold."

Humans are very good at pretending we are more than just biological machines acting according to genetically imposed network structure refined by lifetime history of training inputs.

You might have existential imposter syndrome.

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#17

Post by riehwvfbk » Wed, Jul 24, 2024, 8:19 AM UTC

hypertele-Xii wrote: post #16

skummetmaelk wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Humans are very good at pretending we are more than just biological machines acting according to genetically imposed network structure refined by lifetime history of training inputs.

You might have existential imposter syndrome.

Your illusion of higher purpose is part of the very same evolutionary loop ;)

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#18

Post by keybored » Wed, Jul 24, 2024, 9:13 AM UTC

mijustin wrote: post #2

These were the crucial bits for me: > "Sundays are for listing everything that went wrong during the week on the blackboard we painted on the wall of my study, so we can figure out what needs to change." and > "I liked to think about our life as a piece of software. We had our routines and our principles, this was the code. We ran the code by living it. The list on the blackboard was the bug log, a record of the ways…

There’s nothing more boring than someone who explains everything according to their passion-hobby or work.

- Programmer: my life is a program

- Marathoner: you know, life is like a great long race...

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#19

Post by keybored » Wed, Jul 24, 2024, 9:15 AM UTC

skummetmaelk wrote: post #15

wizerno wrote: post #5

This is so important and underrated in life. > "This is what I infer when I see someone who is comfortable in their unique strangeness, too. There probably exists someone who enabled that evolution of personality. A parent, a friend group, a spouse. It is rare for people to come into themselves if no one is excited and curious about their core, their potential. We need someone who gives us space to unfold."

Humans are very good at pretending we are more than just biological machines acting according to genetically imposed network structure refined by lifetime history of training inputs.

Nerds are good at pretending they understand everything by way of reductionist metaphors.

Re: Relationships are coevolutionary loops (2023)

#20

Post by satvikpendem » Wed, Jul 24, 2024, 9:27 AM UTC

skummetmaelk wrote: post #15

wizerno wrote: post #5

This is so important and underrated in life. > "This is what I infer when I see someone who is comfortable in their unique strangeness, too. There probably exists someone who enabled that evolution of personality. A parent, a friend group, a spouse. It is rare for people to come into themselves if no one is excited and curious about their core, their potential. We need someone who gives us space to unfold."

Humans are very good at pretending we are more than just biological machines acting according to genetically imposed network structure refined by lifetime history of training inputs.

Agreed, as a staunch physicalist [0]. As well, I don't think people need anyone else to grow into their own, unless they've been socially (or perhaps even physically) repressed. None of the people I know who are eccentric have really been molded that way by others per se, it was an inherent personality that came out because of precisely the opposite, they simply didn't give a shit what anyone else thought.

[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physicalism