I'm not sure if I'm a good listener, but I've improved by asking people questions instead of just talking about myself. Doing this makes you realize how tedious it is to be around people who dominate conversations, and it shows you how tedious you might have been yourself.
Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?
11–20 of 22 posts
Re: Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?
#12Counting to seven, then the impulse to interrupt goes away
Re: Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?
#13Hang around smarter, wealthier, more interesting people. It will be a solved problem by hearing more interesting stories and follow up questions.
Figure out softball conversation starters. How do you know: party host, have you done any traveling lately, etc. Practice conversation skills and try to increase your friend group.
As for the valuable part it depends on the group. Some may fact check you and others may take notes.
Re: Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?
#14One thing that surely helps is empathy, which is a skill in itself.
Re: Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?
#15Everyone else in my family talks a lot, so I grew up mostly listening to other people talk. When people are looking to talk, I let them talk and don’t try to compete for space.
I can relate to this
Re: Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?
#16I born with it. I don't have habit of talking.
Re: Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?
#17Here is something actionable you can start doing immediately: recognize when you are jumping into habitual reactions in conversation. (e.g. problem-solving, giving advice, storytelling, devil's advocate, etc). I have a list of those here under "concepts": https://josephrmartinez.github.io/reactionsjournal/
Just chill out and try not doing that for a few seconds. Not saying this is always the wrong thing to do, but if your intention is to have your friends and colleagues appreciate your listening skills I think this is the starting point. Be more present to the conversation; responding to what they are actually saying and not just habitually reacting.
Re: Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?
#18Here is something actionable you can start doing immediately: recognize when you are jumping into habitual reactions in conversation. (e.g. problem-solving, giving advice, storytelling, devil's advocate, etc). I have a list of those here under "concepts": https://josephrmartinez.github.io/reactionsjournal/ Just chill out and try not doing that for a few seconds. Not saying this is always the wrong thing to do, but if…
I got a 404 when opening your link. I had to go to https://josephrmartinez.github.io/reactionsjournal/ then click around to go to that page
Re: Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?
#19Here is something actionable you can start doing immediately: recognize when you are jumping into habitual reactions in conversation. (e.g. problem-solving, giving advice, storytelling, devil's advocate, etc). I have a list of those here under "concepts": https://josephrmartinez.github.io/reactionsjournal/ Just chill out and try not doing that for a few seconds. Not saying this is always the wrong thing to do, but if…
I got a 404 when opening your link. I had to go to https://josephrmartinez.github.io/reactionsjournal/ then click around to go to that page
Eep! Thanks for pointing that out. I'll just put the list here:
- Giving advice
- Changing the subject
- Dismissing feelings
- Leading questions
- Devil's advocate
- Sympathy (e.g. "I know exactly what you're going through...")
- Commiserating
- Defensiveness
- Static labeling
- Sarcasm
- Shutting down
- Intellectualizing
- One-upping
- Storytelling
Not saying these are all bad all the time. Just things to maybe start noticing. See what happens when you just hold off on these types of reactions for a moment.
You don't even have to do anything. Just... chill. Be silent. Think about what the person said.
I've found this is a more actionable place to start than something like "read this book" or "take this course"
Re: Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?
#20I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes to understand their emotions and find the best advice.