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The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

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Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#151

Post by 01HNNWZ0MV43FF »

wing-_-nuts wrote: post #109
sleno wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Could you summarize some practical takeaways from all these books? To be honest I've become a bit skeptical of how much this sort of stuff helps. From what I see, our society has become much more well-versed in all this psychology-therapy-trauma material in the last 20 years, yet despite this we're taking more anti-depressants and seeing more therapy than ever. Mentally and spiritually we seem to be doing worse than…

You could be seeing correlation and not causation. People with psych issues want to get better. Those that are intellectually curious tend to read up on underlying causes and possible solutions. I will say, that while I've read a lot of these sorts of books, they've mainly helped me identify my predispositions in temperament, my blind spots, etc. If you really press a therapist on the question, they will tell you tha…

It's hard to reconcile needing friends and romance with advice like "you should work on yourself before dating" and feeling like I'm often subjecting others to myself

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#152

Post by antman »

The things I have lived. I have seen a person turn to robot then to a person again multiple times. If they came close to someone they freaked and turned to stereotypical actions and wording, and then when emotionally sober they would try to pick up the pieces of the self sabotage.

I studied heavily for two years, they gave me their attention. I read reddit and relationship columns and I recognize the keywords. "Independence", "We must", "Disappeared, ghosted"

See these two videos:

Ignore the username https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b_H0V1-kQbE

Heidi Priebe all vids but specifically this it is titled fearful avoidance but it is for everything https://youtu.be/5jk7PAa8D1o?feature=shared

user igorramazanov gave a great list. If one has trauma such as consistent nightmares avoid reading the "Body keeps the score", it is about cptsd and it is too strong and triggering leave for later. cptsd is relevant to attachment problems but not directly. let me also add another tangentially relevant but very good book about borderline personality disorder "I hate you, don't leave me'

After someone has realized that not knowing why he dislikes all his partners for no reason after while is due to trauma healing can start. It takes 3-5 years of therapy and a secure partner through that journey.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#153

Post by wing-_-nuts »

astrange wrote: post #148
wing-_-nuts wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You could be seeing correlation and not causation. People with psych issues want to get better. Those that are intellectually curious tend to read up on underlying causes and possible solutions. I will say, that while I've read a lot of these sorts of books, they've mainly helped me identify my predispositions in temperament, my blind spots, etc. If you really press a therapist on the question, they will tell you tha…

Religion and psychiatry hardly seem opposed to me. It's popular to see Buddhism as actually a kind of therapy, although certainly not 100% correct, and that's sort of what prayer is meant to do too.

I prefer to keep them separate. The christian councilor I saw was very big into 'everything happens for a reason' and 'god has a plan' and given my background it turned my stomach. If what i went through was 'part of a plan' I have some very pointed questions for god when I meet him.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#154

Post by TeeMassive »

wing-_-nuts wrote: post #119
TeeMassive wrote: post #117

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Canadian stuff ;)

To be honest I would have been deeply uncomfortable with that. My SF-86 was invasive enough and I later found out that information had been leaked in a hack of OPM. I would have absolutely imploded if it included background from my childhood.

From my point of view, the government already has most of my most personal stuff due to my time to CPS and what my parents told them (and possibly made up).

Anyway I've handwritten it, I guess the rest is up to their security lol.

But yeah, that's terrifying if people that know me would have it; information is power after all.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#155

Post by 01HNNWZ0MV43FF »

SoftTalker wrote: post #107
smeej wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been going through a similar metamorphosis, but it didn't start until 36. I wonder sometimes whether I'll have missed out on some things permanently because of it. For instance, every year my odds of carrying a healthy child to term drop farther, and I'm already considered "geriatric" for pregnancy purposes. I really don't see how it could have happened any earlier than it did, and I'm grateful it happened at al…

Everyone "misses out" on things either due to choices they make or events/accidents that are out of their control. Being a parent can be rewarding but it also comes with a lot of expense, worry, and sacrifice. There are a lot of things a childless person or couple can do that would be difficult or impossible for someone with kids, and a lot of things that they will never have to deal with (e.g. serious illness or dea…

The concern is whether you're missing out on something you would have preferred to have.

I missed out on a lot of young adult stuff, partying, traveling, sleeping around, and I can't seem to get over it. I have lots of money but I can't seem to buy my way out of resentment and envy for people who had a more ordinary life

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#156

Post by prewett »

EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK wrote: post #136
zaphar wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Religious Faith and Belief are choices. They have to be because they are fundamentally about unprovable things. So in one sense they are absolutely practical. However if you don't want to choose a religion then it may not be practical for you. It is in no way the case though that Faith is something that just happens to you. It's a personal choice.

Of course not. Religion is a choice if one becomes religious as an adult. However, for the vast majority of religious people, they become religious at a young age, when they cannot make any choices.

You certainly have the choice whether to continue being religious as an adult. Also, there are plenty of children who reject religiosity (although that may not get a chance to express itself until high school / college)

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#157

Post by prewett »

wing-_-nuts wrote: post #110
sleno wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Could you summarize some practical takeaways from all these books? To be honest I've become a bit skeptical of how much this sort of stuff helps. From what I see, our society has become much more well-versed in all this psychology-therapy-trauma material in the last 20 years, yet despite this we're taking more anti-depressants and seeing more therapy than ever. Mentally and spiritually we seem to be doing worse than…

You asked for practical take aways, so I'll say this: Get good at communicating and being vulnerable. I know online spaces will tell you this is dangerous, and that your partner might leave you. Someone with this sort of background needs to be 'seen', and loved for who they are, and the only way that happens is if they truly know you. Second, realize that your partner is not the sole source of all your feelings about…

> I know online spaces will tell you [being vulnerable] is dangerous, and that your partner might leave you.

The possibility of being rejected by being vulnerable is definitional... It's not being vulnerable if there isn't the possibility of rejection, it's just being transparent. So yeah, being vulnerable is dangerous. You might get rejected. But then again, you might get accepted, too.

(This isn't a critique of the parent, it's more of a critique of what the "online spaces" allegedly say.)

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#158

Post by _DeadFred_ »

sleno wrote: post #87
igorramazanov wrote: post #36

Attachment Theory is an interesting subject on the matter. A few useful books which helped me with both understanding and healing (there're still problems, but it gets better): 1. Love Sense, Sue Johnson. 2. The Power of Attachment, Diane Pooler Heller. 3. Understanding Disorganized Attachment: Theory and Practice for Working with Children and Adults, David, Shemmings and Yvonne Shemmings. 4. The Body Keeps the Score…

Could you summarize some practical takeaways from all these books? To be honest I've become a bit skeptical of how much this sort of stuff helps. From what I see, our society has become much more well-versed in all this psychology-therapy-trauma material in the last 20 years, yet despite this we're taking more anti-depressants and seeing more therapy than ever. Mentally and spiritually we seem to be doing worse than…

People in prison have more 'community' and 'support' just by the fact they are surrounded by others in a communal setting than the average person out on the street in the USA. How f'd up as a society is that?

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#159

Post by tsegratis »

SketchySeaBeast wrote: post #147
tsegratis wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Divorce is a massive cause of trauma and increasing in the west I organized a large group of trauma experts last week (church pastors), and although they were amazing and had clearly overcome trauma; residual selfishness and power grabbing meant a child got ignored The same last night: a bible study with the homeless. A happy and peaceful place, though one member was throwing trauma bombs There's not a simple switch,…

> Divorce is a massive cause of trauma and increasing in the west Not true that it's increasing. It peaked in the 70s and has decreased since. [1] https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/lo...

"Since 1972, marriage rates in the US have fallen by almost 50%, and are currently at the lowest point in recorded history"

"The share of children born outside of marriage has increased substantially in almost all OECD countries"

https://ourworldindata.org/marriages-and-divorces

But you are right divorce rates vary, for instance decreasing post covid. I was thinking on the century scale. But also percentage of people entering stable commitment, and so even the possibility of divorce is much lower

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#160

Post by SoftTalker »

01HNNWZ0MV43FF wrote: post #155
SoftTalker wrote: post #107

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Everyone "misses out" on things either due to choices they make or events/accidents that are out of their control. Being a parent can be rewarding but it also comes with a lot of expense, worry, and sacrifice. There are a lot of things a childless person or couple can do that would be difficult or impossible for someone with kids, and a lot of things that they will never have to deal with (e.g. serious illness or dea…

The concern is whether you're missing out on something you would have preferred to have. I missed out on a lot of young adult stuff, partying, traveling, sleeping around, and I can't seem to get over it. I have lots of money but I can't seem to buy my way out of resentment and envy for people who had a more ordinary life

IMO that stuff is overrated, but either way you can't change the past, neither the mistakes you made, the abuse you suffered, or the stuff you never did. Look forward, not back.

And in my experience, if you have money you'll have no trouble finding people to party with you, if that's what you want to do. Go to the nearest bar and start buying rounds.

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