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The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

allanschore.com

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Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#41
Finally a subject my childhood makes me "expert" at!

People often say that I have a unsavory dark humor, but it's one of the best coping mechanism out there.

My earliest memory is my mother spreading food all over my face because I didn't want to finish my plate. I remember my eyes hurting because of the pepper in it.

My father threatened to shoot the family dog on a weekly basis to make me behave.

I could not leave the house alone until I was around 12, thus making me not socialized. To this day in my 30s I have a hard time forming friendship.

They also threatened me on a daily basis to "give me to CPS". Then they actually did it for two years. I wasn't a delinquent or violent mind you, and didn't do drugs.

They would often bring me in front of the school's psychologist and he would make me cry in front of them, always blaming me, never once asking me what was going on at home.

Once I applied for a job that required a high security clearance. I had to write "all the traumas of your childhood and your adolescence". I filled two pages, one trauma per line, and I just told them that I couldn't be exhaustive because of the sheer quantity.

But I think I can stop here, you get the point.

One of the main thing is the inability of standing up for myself. By default and unless proven otherwise, I'm already convinced that if something bad happens then this is my fault. If someone accuses me of something bogus, I just accept the accusation and apologize. This got me in real deep trouble more than once; fortunately not as an adult.

Also not being able to say "no" and being of hurting people feelings to the point of absurdity.

I could do an AMA in this thread if someone's interested lol

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#42
post #40

Are children more traumatized now than in the past? Seems like the past was harder on children.

Most of the research on child sexual abuse in the US shows that rates have dropped by about 50% since the 1970s. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK201120/ search for "Evidence for a Decline in Physical and Sexual Abuse" (searched for that to post this, and they cite %60 since the 1990s). Freud himself discovered a tremendous amount of horrible abuse in his patients; depending on the culture, most people just turn…

> People that haven't experienced it and recovered from it a bit are really good at not believing how common it is.

Also, for people who have experienced it, it's often the last thing they'd ever want to talk about. With anyone, including people they are really close to.

There's a good chance you could have a close personal friend or even your partner and never know they had gone through something like that.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#43
post #40

Are children more traumatized now than in the past? Seems like the past was harder on children.

Most of the research on child sexual abuse in the US shows that rates have dropped by about 50% since the 1970s. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK201120/ search for "Evidence for a Decline in Physical and Sexual Abuse" (searched for that to post this, and they cite %60 since the 1990s). Freud himself discovered a tremendous amount of horrible abuse in his patients; depending on the culture, most people just turn…

> not believing how common it is.

I knew someone that was abused as a child. Had trouble with drugs and went into rehab. He said that ALL the people he met in rehab had been abused.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#44
post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I love that "and I'm fine" line. I see it a lot in contexts where someone is defending something that seems barbaric to me, which I would consider a very clear sign that they are not fine. It leads to a lot of, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means," at least in my internal dialogue.

An additional anecdote: I see it in responsibility rejection and/or attempted erasure: - I'm fine, therefore you are also fine (it's not my fault you can't deal with this) - I'm fine, therefore you are also fine (you exist only as an extension of me, and I'm fine)

It can also be survivorship bias: "we never used seat belts and we were fine" can only be said by someone alive.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#45

In the microplastics thread, so many were ready to assign blame for so many pervasive ills to the prevalence of microplastics. Meanwhile we have known about the devastating effect of interpersonal trauma in childhood and just shrug or worse, say “well that’s how my parents did it and I’m fine.” Foundationally there is no problem more urgent than eliminating interpersonal alienation at every possible interaction and e…

> “well that’s how my parents did it and I’m fine.”

Broadly speaking, I've noticed a couple of different responses to going through an extended bad experience over which one has no control (for example, a shitty childhood).

Upon reaching adulthood, one response is to say, "Wow, that really sucked, I will take steps to avoid ever having to experience that again, nor visit it on my children/partner/loved ones".

Another (probably more common) response is to say, "I survived and I'm ok, it must not have been that bad. Maybe it even made me stronger/tougher/more worldly/etc".

Needless (I hope?) to say, people who tend towards the latter attitude are far more likely to repeat the same mistakes that they previously suffered from. Unfortunately this kind of attitude also seems to frequently be tightly interwoven with identity, making it all but impossible to dislodge. Thus the cycle repeats.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#46

Finally a subject my childhood makes me "expert" at! People often say that I have a unsavory dark humor, but it's one of the best coping mechanism out there. My earliest memory is my mother spreading food all over my face because I didn't want to finish my plate. I remember my eyes hurting because of the pepper in it. My father threatened to shoot the family dog on a weekly basis to make me behave. I could not leave…

That's seriously awful.

I'm glad you have a sense of humor because that seems like one of the helpful reactions that could arise from such a nightmare.

> They would often bring me in front of the school's psychologist and he would make me cry in front of them, always blaming me, never once asking me what was going on at home.

It's remarkable how institutions (the school psychologist in your case) often re-inflict the trauma that is going on at home. It's their job to protect the child, but often they do the opposite, and it's worth asking why. I experienced this myself, though in a very different context—everyone's story is unique of course.

Good for you for surviving, and best wishes for growth and healing.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#47

Are children more traumatized now than in the past? Seems like the past was harder on children.

If you read about the history of childhood I think it's clear that children were immeasurably more traumatized in the past. The concept of child abuse barely existed, and the relational needs of children weren't recognized at all.

That raises the question of why contemporary attention to trauma is so elevated, if the problem is actually smaller now than it used to be. There's an easy answer though: this is first moment in (recent) history where we finally have a chance to begin dealing with it.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#48

Attachment Theory is an interesting subject on the matter. A few useful books which helped me with both understanding and healing (there're still problems, but it gets better): 1. Love Sense, Sue Johnson. 2. The Power of Attachment, Diane Pooler Heller. 3. Understanding Disorganized Attachment: Theory and Practice for Working with Children and Adults, David, Shemmings and Yvonne Shemmings. 4. The Body Keeps the Score…

You seem to be a connoisseur of this genre of reading material. You might enjoy "Feelings Matter: Keys to the Unexplored Self" by Ceanne DeRohan.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#49
post #43
post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most of the research on child sexual abuse in the US shows that rates have dropped by about 50% since the 1970s. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK201120/ search for "Evidence for a Decline in Physical and Sexual Abuse" (searched for that to post this, and they cite %60 since the 1990s). Freud himself discovered a tremendous amount of horrible abuse in his patients; depending on the culture, most people just turn…

> not believing how common it is. I knew someone that was abused as a child. Had trouble with drugs and went into rehab. He said that ALL the people he met in rehab had been abused.

As someone who's spent 26 years in GA and met many folks also in AA and NA, I estimate that at least 80% have had childhood trauma. True for me, true for my eldest child.

Re: The Effects of Early Relational Trauma (2001) [pdf]

#50

Attachment Theory is an interesting subject on the matter. A few useful books which helped me with both understanding and healing (there're still problems, but it gets better): 1. Love Sense, Sue Johnson. 2. The Power of Attachment, Diane Pooler Heller. 3. Understanding Disorganized Attachment: Theory and Practice for Working with Children and Adults, David, Shemmings and Yvonne Shemmings. 4. The Body Keeps the Score…

What no Daniel Siegel?
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