Ask HN: Nineteen Year Old Needing Advice

Thing is, this is some pretty basic 19 y.o or early adult or newcomer type of experience. Things don't work out quickly, you don't fit in, you have an inflated sense of self, a deflated view of others, and a perception that arbitrary ambition is inherently virtuous, so much so that pursuing that at the cost of all else is inherently useful.

There are some truths to recognize, and some myths to be skeptical of. First, people in small towns, especially in first the first years of Uni, tend to favor their high school friends, and it takes a ton of work to authentically cultivate a new friend group. You'd face this anywhere, it's not unique, even in more cosmopolitan areas. Ambition competes with this, because it hollows you and the people you'd hypothetically meet. You can't authentically meet new people if it's always framed by whatever success you're seeking, only humility and patience resolve this.

If you continue only trying to meet people with a singular sense of what they want to do, you'll end up as and with a bunch of status-seeking blowhards who can't make time for each other because nobody is as important as pushing some number, such as a grade, upward. It's very, very boring later on, and in retrospect for me, I'm glad I burnt out on the whole ambition thing, because I couldn't care less about what someone does these days, only whether I vibe with them and can have a fun time with them.

I used to look down on people from my small city who didn't want riches or success, and while it convinced me to move away for the better, I now recognize that people are just different, I don't control which people I'll connect with in a positive way, but I can control how I open up those possibilities.

Uni is the best opportunity you get to meet new people. If you do it right, you'll come out with decent grades and maybe 5-10% of the people you've met along the way will be long-term friends. Do it wrong and you'll get perfect grades, a lot of debt, maybe be in good shape, maybe with prospects, but totally isolated and lonely; it's a balance that's hard to get right, but the grade stops being worth the sacrifice past a certain point.

Re-reading your question, basically none of what you have going on right now is sustainable, and it's worth relaxing a bit. You'll eventually have to make some concessions, and think hard about what you want and why, what you're willing to sacrifice, and realize it will change over time. Passion for programming will at best not carry you through the ups and downs, and the virtue of Uni is partly to force you to figure out how to do a bunch of stuff to completion that you didn't already have an innate interest in. At worst, passion for programming can be extremely misguiding, and can get in the way of many other aspects of what it's like to be a professional or friend. Passion does not make you good at a job, and it will fluctuate. Time spent on programming is time spent not on something else, including nothing itself, which can be a great use of time.

What should you do then? Probably find some people you can drink with, continue your ambitions, spend some time in nature if you can, speak to your professors about what they're working on and form bonds with them if possible, and do your best to cultivate a sense of openness when speaking to people; don't expect anything out of those people either, just listen, say yes if they invite you somewhere, share your dreams and explore theirs, don't talk too much and don't gloat, it's rare to find perfect alignment and very boring if you do. Recognize that those people, even if they don't seem to be pursuing anything of innate interest to you, are and will continue to be way better than you at whatever it is they've been doing.

Lastly, don't wear headphones in public, pretty hard to be open if you've closed yourself off.

>- The society is extremely unhealthy. Half the people here are on antidepressants or hung over every other day, and a fraction of the school eats healthy.

Honestly, I think you understand how broken this country is. I'm a bit older, I'm well into my thirties and everything you're expressing is 100% spot on. Friends are friends when things are going well, but even then tons of folks will be envious and will backstab you the first chance they get. I had a horrible experience a while back when one of my best friends put me in a horrible position and I will never recover.

American society is fundamentally broken. People basically don't real vacations to recharge, instead they cope with the various methods you've already seen. Our labor rights are an absolute joke, you have a small minority of people with well paid jobs, and even then for example I'm probably spending about a third of my income in taxes, with another $500 a month out of pocket for health insurance, with an occasional 500 or $600 of out-of-pocket expenses.

If I was you I would go back to Europe and finish college there, America's a great place to visit, but it's not a great place to live. Also all the issues you've ran into will be magnified by 10 times if you move to California. Society is so amazingly unequal here, you'll have millionaire tech Bros stepping over needles on the way to work and everyone just accepts this as normal .

To my regret, I missed my chance to move to Europe to experience a civilized society so I'm probably going to be stuck here for the foreseeable future. I'll give you an example, back when I was in London I was able to walk around without the constant paranoia you have to have an America. I live in a medium sized city and we have more crime here than in all of London despite being a fraction of the size.

Finally college is supposed to be the best time of your life, if you're not vibing with this American culture it's not a negative reflection on you. Leave while you still can!

Lots of small-minded idiots here. But this is a giant country. There are different people in different places. Try moving as close to Silicon Valley as you can. You will, without a doubt, find a whole bunch of people with your exact same mindset.

Americans are not lazy. If you want to work hard, you’re in the right place. We’re statistically one of the hardest working counties. This is where all of the antidepressants come in though. We’re overworked, and we don’t have a sense of purpose outside of work.

Which leads me to… you’re doing a lot right now. A ton. It’s pretty difficult and rare to be able to keep up with how you are living, especially if your responsibilities grow. Be careful not to over strain yourself and make sure to keep a sense of self and purpose outside of your hustles. I personally had a meltdown in my early twenties that was partially brought on by these factors.

Finally, like others said, try to find a way to find common ground with the muggles around you. The faster realize that you’re not better than them, the faster you will find relief from the stress.