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The window for great-grandmothers is closing

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Re: The window for great-grandmothers is closing

#221

Post by dheera »

Afton wrote: post #90
CalRobert wrote: post #8

If you haven't read the article, it's about how people having kids later means you won't meet your great grandparents. My mom had me when she was 23, and her mom had her at 22. I'm in my forties and still have two living grandparents, and am very grateful for them. I remember a lot of days where my grandmother watched me and my sister, and she was able to do that because she was only in her late 40's herself and plen…

The upside is that I was a total basket case in my 20s, completely incompetent to be able to raise a child. I'll leave it to my children on how it turned out in my 30s. Generally I'd expect older adults to have done a lot more maturing and increased ability to emotionally regulate, which is a really critical ability when dealing with the 4th day of 3 hours of sleep and a colicky baby (for example). Also no point. But…

Emotional maturity is important, but there's also financial readiness.

People don't have extended families and villages to be nannies-on-demand anymore, so older parents have a lot more financial resources to raise kids and more likely to give the kid a comfortable life.

Especially when housing prices have gone up much faster than salaries in the past 30 years, and that is reflected not only in one's own mortgage/rent but also that you have to indirectly pay the rent increases of every Chipotle worker you interact with.

Re: The window for great-grandmothers is closing

#224

Post by rayiner »

In Christmas 2021, as COVID was winding down, we rented a house on the Oregon coast to see my wife’s family. My wife’s grandmother surreptitiously messaged me on Facebook to pick her up from her house so she could see our youngest, her newest great grand. Much to the consternation of my COVID-wary father in law. In her view, the point of living the 87 was to count up the great grandchildren (10 total). She died the next year (not of COVID).

If my kids have kids the same time I did, as do those kids, then within the expected Asian male lifespan I should see at least one and hopefully two great grands.

Re: The window for great-grandmothers is closing

#225

Post by jackcosgrove »

robertlagrant wrote: post #193
CalRobert wrote: post #83

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My neighbour is a fifty year old guy and his grandfather was born in the 1860's. Both the grandfather and father had kids with much younger women. Funny how we're closer to the past than we think.

> Funny how we're closer to the past than we think. I really love this recording[0] from 1941 of a photographer born in 1843, talking about the American West. It's one of Youtube's many gems. [0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2ab5nv4Suc (video)

There's also this video interview of Bertrand Russell, whose grandfather met Napoleon as a young member of Parliament.

https://youtu.be/4OXtO92x5KA

Re: The window for great-grandmothers is closing

#226

Post by djur »

throwway120385 wrote: post #189
jncfhnb wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The economic situation of your mom having a great career is not the same as the economic situation of today; appeal to her hard work considered. People cannot afford to have kids like they used to. And yes, the older grandparents make this much worse because they’re now a costly liability rather than a useful child watcher. I find the idea that people haven’t considered downsides of waiting to have kids to be grating…

> I find the idea that people haven’t considered downsides of waiting to have kids to be grating personally Why do you care about what other people do? It's not harming you.

Why does anyone care about anyone else's opinions? I think it's pretty reasonable to take issue with others assuming that you made a particular decision because you hadn't fully thought through the consequences. Do you like having people second-guess your decisions, or does it annoy you?

Re: The window for great-grandmothers is closing

#227

Post by r00fus »

bradlys wrote: post #211
r00fus wrote: post #186

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The upside is that I was a total basket case in my 20s, completely incompetent to be able to raise a child. You see, in a proper early childrearing situation, you would be a) near your parents and inlaws ideally b) they would share in the burden of child-rearing. We had kids later in life (33-ish) and I think if I were to do it again, I'd have moved quicker to having kids earlier (waited 2 years to marry and 3 year…

A lot of this assumes so many things that I think people who were born and raised in stable UMC (like most on HN) take for granted. Even if I lived close to the family I was born into, I would never let them get near my children. The years of neglect and child abuse are reason enough that they should never see them - let alone be caregivers. Similarly, you’re assuming that your marriage would have gone smoothly still…

I'm not denying your experiences - I was reasoning using my own. I did not have a typical upbringing - I'm felt like an outsider and went to a different school for like 7 years in a row.

Clearly your circumstances dictated your options. Nowadays, in this truly oligarchic economy, most young people simply don't feel they'll ever be able to afford a home or family either (which is a massive regression). Perhaps the future means - you raise your family in your parents house (with their help)... if you trust your parents.

Agreed about better support for families and housing.

Re: The window for great-grandmothers is closing

#228

Post by rayiner »

CalRobert wrote: post #8

If you haven't read the article, it's about how people having kids later means you won't meet your great grandparents. My mom had me when she was 23, and her mom had her at 22. I'm in my forties and still have two living grandparents, and am very grateful for them. I remember a lot of days where my grandmother watched me and my sister, and she was able to do that because she was only in her late 40's herself and plen…

> Not everyone can rely on parents to help with childcare, but it is worth keeping in mind that if you wait until your mid 30's they might not be able to catch a running toddler like they could a decade earlier.

Starting having kids in our 20s is the best decision my wife and I ever made. When my daughter was born, my parents (then in their early 60s) got a decade younger overnight. I wish we hadn’t spaced them out so much (27-37) because indeed my parents are not able to keep up with the littlest one like they could with the first two.

Re: The window for great-grandmothers is closing

#229

Post by acover »

throwway120385 wrote: post #189
jncfhnb wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The economic situation of your mom having a great career is not the same as the economic situation of today; appeal to her hard work considered. People cannot afford to have kids like they used to. And yes, the older grandparents make this much worse because they’re now a costly liability rather than a useful child watcher. I find the idea that people haven’t considered downsides of waiting to have kids to be grating…

> I find the idea that people haven’t considered downsides of waiting to have kids to be grating personally Why do you care about what other people do? It's not harming you.

I think being judged feels bad. If someone thinks you haven't considered the obvious it feels pretty insulting.

Re: The window for great-grandmothers is closing

#230

Post by ein0p »

jwells89 wrote: post #103
Afton wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The upside is that I was a total basket case in my 20s, completely incompetent to be able to raise a child. I'll leave it to my children on how it turned out in my 30s. Generally I'd expect older adults to have done a lot more maturing and increased ability to emotionally regulate, which is a really critical ability when dealing with the 4th day of 3 hours of sleep and a colicky baby (for example). Also no point. But…

Not a parent, but I feel the same about myself. Having a kid at 22 would’ve been a mess to say the least. Looking back at that age halfway through my 30s, at that point I wasn’t much more than an overgrown 16 year old that could legally walk into a bar who wouldn’t get his head screwed on quite right for another 6 years or so at minimum.

As someone who had his first kid at 23, you grow up real quick once you become a parent. Moreover I doubt it’s even possible for a person to fully mature if they don’t have kids. Or to really understand their own parents for that matter.
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