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Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

#81

Post by kingcai »

I've recently been in a rut and while I still have a lot further to go I've been feeling better over the last couple of days and here's what helped:

- going to therapy

- taking PTO

- going outside

- hanging out with friends

- cooking a meal

- going on a date

- going to LA and getting sun

- reconnecting with old friends

I'm not out yet but I feel like with some time and effort I can be. How did I do it? I think there are really two parts of this - helping others and asking for help. I've always enjoyed the first but never done the second and that was really holding me back.

Re: Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

#82

Post by cmrdporcupine »

The_Colonel wrote: post #79
cmrdporcupine wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This phase lasts until they are teenagers, and the questions come back but stronger. Unless you enjoy the answer to "why I'm here" being "driving my teen around to hang with their dubious friends", "nagging about homework", and "human paycheque." Just sayin' :-) I love my kids, but children are not the answer to getting meaning into your life. Having a mid-life crisis in your late 40s & 50s long after you've had kids…

I'm not that far along with my kids, but from my friends & family I see some examples of involved parents having a very close relationship with their children well into their adult years. > children are not the answer to getting meaning into your life Because the meaning may end (after many years/decades)? That seems strange, what answer to this hunger for meaning is guaranteed to fulfill you forever?

I'm pretty close to both my teens. But the relationship shifts. And every month you feel that they "need" you less. And they tend to go through a phase in mid-adolescence when they really make that clear, too...

If your primary answer to the question "why I'm here? what's the point?" is taking care of your kids, you're going to end up with a widening gap as they age into adulthood, move out, and you spend and spend less time with them and they become more independent.

Oh well, I'll get back to you in 5-10 years when they've fully adult-ed.

Re: Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

#83

Post by Aeolun »

cmrdporcupine wrote: post #37
The_Colonel wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> but having a child seems to have made things significantly better in some ways A child answers the existentialist "why I'm here? what's the point?" question on a primal, fundamental level. The child needs you, your purpose is to care for it.

This phase lasts until they are teenagers, and the questions come back but stronger. Unless you enjoy the answer to "why I'm here" being "driving my teen around to hang with their dubious friends", "nagging about homework", and "human paycheque." Just sayin' :-) I love my kids, but children are not the answer to getting meaning into your life. Having a mid-life crisis in your late 40s & 50s long after you've had kids…

Maybe, that gives you 10-15 years before you have to consider the question again :)

Re: Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

#84

Post by meristohm »

My perspective continues to change, and my feelings about death increasingly line up with what I've liked to say for years: "I accept that I will die and I'm okay with that." I'm in no hurry to die, mind; life is wonderful, even when it's shit (well, like a cold shower, it's a lot better once I'm through the shit). Increasingly I'm okay with who I am, where I am, and what I've done, freeing me up to do what I really want to do.

Mentally converting a lot of my physical stuff into shit to give away (so much gratitude to George Carlin), and actually giving it away (no regrets for any of it, either), has been a huge part of this process.

Re: Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

#85

Post by nicbou »

When I travel, I'll take all my luggage out and put it back in, do laundry, shave, etc. Basically, a reset. Then I'll treat myself to something familiar, maybe watch a movie I love. It's a good way to ground myself again and start afresh.

Longer ruts seem to come from routine and aimlessness. I find that giving myself time without devices or entertainment helps. A bicycle ride is a good way to clear one's mind.

Re: Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

#86

Post by nobdy »

I went anonymous for this one and it's all my fault. I really messed up. I had it all- wife, stepkids, job, homes. I had a good life. I miss my old life. I miss my baby. But it's all gone now and I can never have it back.

I basically lost everything... due to my own paranoia and listening to family members I shouldn't have listened to who didn't agree with my marriage to begin with, I complained to the wrong people when I should have just gone directly to my wife about my concerns and I let them bud into my life for no reason.

Now my wife is gone, and soon after I lost my job, then as I was driving around getting rid of my belongings, the wheel of my car fell off and then my car was gone, and then I had to sell my properties to get myself out of debt.

And I had just enough to buy a new used car. then I got a job working for a company that provided me with a company vehicle, and then I do some DoorDashing after work when I can. Both are helping me make the payments on the vehicle. I'm technically living out of my personal car. My realtor was nice enough to lend me his driveway to park the company vehicle. I'm over his house a few days a week to pick up the company car for work and they usually put me up in motels or hotels around the state so it takes care of my housing needs when I'm not sleeping in my car. It's just a contract job and will probably be over in a few months but it works for now. Once it ends, I'm planning to leave the state to somewhere warm if I don't kill myself first.

I made a few really bad decisions that cost me everything. I won't get into it as I already mentioned the consequences of my actions. I destroyed my life. I am now just living a very quiet life. I removed my social media presence. I'm not much involved in the tech world anymore. And I'm living mostly like a nomad. Life as I knew it is gone. I fight depression everyday... hoping I don't wake up, sometimes wondering if I should just drive into oncoming traffic or off a cliff and hopefully that will take care of things. After I lost my wife, I tried starving myself for nearly 6 months in hopes for death, but all I did was lose 50 pounds. I'm just existing now. I lost all purpose in my life.

Re: Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

#87

Post by atleastoptimal »

nobdy wrote: post #86

I went anonymous for this one and it's all my fault. I really messed up. I had it all- wife, stepkids, job, homes. I had a good life. I miss my old life. I miss my baby. But it's all gone now and I can never have it back. I basically lost everything... due to my own paranoia and listening to family members I shouldn't have listened to who didn't agree with my marriage to begin with, I complained to the wrong people w…

Thank you for sharing.

Life rarely fails to prove that there is no limit to how bad it can get. Perhaps all our grand narratives of love and moral truth are the veil we keep between ourselves and the undeniable reality of what everything at some point decays into.

I think what is important is that you are alive. You can still think. You still have the freedom to create a future. Far more paths lie ahead for you than what is easy to imagine.

This is a little cheesy, but if anything, I promise you this. Reading what you have written, I will, with serious aim, seek to be to a better person to myself, my family, and those I may come to know in my life. I have not been perfect, I have wasted so much time, but as long as I am alive, I have free will; I can choose.

I want you to remember then that the path I'm now set on, whatever greater amount of good that I do than I would have otherwise, it was because of you.

Re: Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

#88

Post by Rastonbury »

mettamage wrote: post #77
Rastonbury wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's the assholes who say "I am being me, deal with it" as an excuse to get away with bad/rude behaviour without actually knowing what their true self is

You're currently labeling a group of people as assholes that seem to say something similar to what I wrote. Please assume that I'm commenting in good faith [1]. I can mask my behavior as well and I have done at places, it sucks. HN is not a place where I want to do this. > Please respond to the strongest plausible interpretation of what someone says, not a weaker one that's easier to criticize. Assume good faith. [1]…

I am not labelling you an asshole, I am saying there are people who use that as an excuse and this group make the other group look bad

Re: Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

#89

Post by uptownfunk »

nobdy wrote: post #86

I went anonymous for this one and it's all my fault. I really messed up. I had it all- wife, stepkids, job, homes. I had a good life. I miss my old life. I miss my baby. But it's all gone now and I can never have it back. I basically lost everything... due to my own paranoia and listening to family members I shouldn't have listened to who didn't agree with my marriage to begin with, I complained to the wrong people w…

There is always another chance. As long as your heart is beating, your body is functioning, there is hope, even for the hopeless.

Try and find a source of strength and connect with it, then it will give you the hope and strength you don’t have now. Or it may be a friend, a religion, God, a community, a historical figure, a living figure, that energy is out there and when you connect with it you will feel it again.

I hope you find it, sending a healthy portion of blessings your way.

Re: Ask HN: How did you get yourself out of a rut?

#90

Post by king-of-turtles »

Treat yourself as a marginal factor, not the totality. You bear some brunt for what's happening in your life- but not the majority of it. So focus on what's inside of your control.

I have a weird life. I've had years where all the wind was in my sail and life was bussin, bad bitches and making money. I've had years where literally nothing I did worked, everything was useless.

You'd be surprised how many variables are actually outside of your control. Does everyone love you? Does everyone hate you? People can and will blow hot and cold.

It's better to have a value set and just stick to it. Whether you want to be a CEO or live under a bridge. Anchor yourself in something worth believing in, even if attitudes around your values shift around.

This is how you maintain self-respect no matter how well or how poorly your life is going.

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