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Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

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Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#41

Post by hnhg »

bane wrote: post #27
spodek wrote: post #17

Mention introversion and shyness, especially around geeks, and many people will come out saying, "I like being shy," "I'm an introvert, that's just the way I am," and things like that. Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly hard to learn, but my life improved so much with each bit that learning each bit motivated me to learn the next. Now nobody can believe I was ever not outgoi…

>Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly hard to learn... Precisely. I like the introvert/extrovert description of recharges alone/recharges with other people. I grew up as a serious introvert, but my parents knew the value of social skills. One day my father turned it from a chore into an introvert-style learning exercise by framing it as a skill to be learned and not a quality…

I read your definition, and thought, "Yeah, I'm an introvert because I like to recharge alone." But then my next thought was, "Actually, it depends on how I'm feeling." Often I seek company because I like to recharge with other people.

Am I an extrovert or introvert? I don't feel like I'm in one or the other for the particular majority of time. I don't believe it's a great model for describing everyone.

For the record, I used to be shy but forced myself out of it. I also felt I had to learn new skills (sometimes a painful process), but I still don't believe I'm naturally either introverted or extroverted - neither really describe me or my behaviour.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#43

Post by sanderjd »

ajays wrote: post #37
sanderjd wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Saying "shyness is ultimately a symptom of you being uncomfortable with who you are" in the first sentence of the article does not sound like "it's OK; no one wants you to change :)" to me. That is the problem with the article, it presumes that there is something wrong with shy people. It could instead presume that there is something wrong with outgoing people, or that they are simply two equally reasonable ways of b…

"Contrary to popular American male belief, pretty much everything in life is more important than being able to go to a bar and talk to a woman you don't know." That may as well be; but not being able to initiate a meaningful conversation with a stranger won't get you into a relationship (if that's what one desires, of course). Once you get out of college and move to a strange town, it's very hard to strike up friends…

That is true, but talking with a strange (presumably attractive) woman at a (presumably crowded and loud) bar is at the most uncomfortable extreme of the average shy man's social comfort scale. Friendships and relationships are important, but there are plenty of ways to pursue them that are at the other end of that scale.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#44

Post by daed »

The last bit the author mentions is something I've thought about recently, which is - where do I live? Inside my head or outside of it? I find myself primarily living inside my head, which is a very different world than the one around me.

While the inside vs outside distinction likely correlates to intro/extraversion, I think it's quite likely a scale of its own. I think this is a much more interesting topic than the introvert extravert war this thread became and is worth everyone taking a second (or a day) to think about - where do you live?

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#45

Post by guscost »

rokhayakebe wrote: post #14

If anyone is shy and wants to reduce it, here is a simple, tested, and effective method: Say "Hi" to strangers, people at work, anyone you bump into. I do not mean a low hi, without eye contact. I mean a LOUD "hi," with a It's-nothing,-I-am-just-happy-to-be-alive smile on your face, and keep the eye contact.

Turbo mode: say "Hi, ___" whenever you know their name too.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#46

Post by sbarron »

hnhg wrote: post #41
bane wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly hard to learn... Precisely. I like the introvert/extrovert description of recharges alone/recharges with other people. I grew up as a serious introvert, but my parents knew the value of social skills. One day my father turned it from a chore into an introvert-style learning exercise by framing it as a skill to be learned and not a quality…

I read your definition, and thought, "Yeah, I'm an introvert because I like to recharge alone." But then my next thought was, "Actually, it depends on how I'm feeling." Often I seek company because I like to recharge with other people. Am I an extrovert or introvert? I don't feel like I'm in one or the other for the particular majority of time. I don't believe it's a great model for describing everyone. For the recor…

It's a continuum, not a constant, and can definitely be based on the situation or who you're with.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#47

Post by smsm42 »

gav wrote: post #7
zephyrfalcon wrote: post #2

This comment nails it: """Please read "Quiet - The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain Saying its a habit is saying that you can easily overcome it. I don't feel it's a choice, do you know how many times I thought about ending my life because I hated being born an introvert and shy? This article might as well be called: If you are shy, its you're fault, stop being lazy and change. On…

I'd like to risk being facetious and suggest that "being good with people" is a requirement for most good jobs, the ones where it's not are the first that get outsourced/replaced with robots/laid off.

There are different ways of being good with people. You can be good at talking with people you need to talk to, professionally, but not enjoy chatting about nothing with random strangers. Somehow not doing the latter makes you "shy". OK, so be it, but if you as a manager base your hiring/firing decisions on that you are a fool.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#48

Post by paulhauggis »

spodek wrote: post #17

Mention introversion and shyness, especially around geeks, and many people will come out saying, "I like being shy," "I'm an introvert, that's just the way I am," and things like that. Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly hard to learn, but my life improved so much with each bit that learning each bit motivated me to learn the next. Now nobody can believe I was ever not outgoi…

I was shy well into my 20s. My problem initially was that my parents weren't very social people and never taught me the social skills I needed. This combined with low self-esteem (which I think built-up from the low social skills), made me a really shy person.

The real problem is that opportunities can and will pass you by when you aren't social (in most companies, you most likely won't get promoted). I wasted a lot of time at home, because I avoided social situations at all cost. You won't know what you miss as a shy person until it's too late.

How did I fix it? 4 years of forcing myself into social situations. I joined a few groups on meetup.com and just recently started my own.

This is what it takes. You need to push yourself. Some people can't do this on their own and actually need therapy.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#49

Post by smsm42 »

ajays wrote: post #21

As I read the comments, I see people becoming polarized very quickly. People are comparing shyness to homosexuality, etc. I think we need to calm down. As I read the article, it is saying that if you think you're handicapped (as in, at a disadvantage, before someone brings up physically disabled people) in society due to shyness, then it is possible to work on it and overcome the handicap to a large extent. If you ar…

Why you think you would necessarily enjoy conversation with random person you know nothing about, probably share no interests and have no common goals? Unless by "conversation" you don't actually mean conversation...

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#50

Post by smsm42 »

ajays wrote: post #37
sanderjd wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Saying "shyness is ultimately a symptom of you being uncomfortable with who you are" in the first sentence of the article does not sound like "it's OK; no one wants you to change :)" to me. That is the problem with the article, it presumes that there is something wrong with shy people. It could instead presume that there is something wrong with outgoing people, or that they are simply two equally reasonable ways of b…

"Contrary to popular American male belief, pretty much everything in life is more important than being able to go to a bar and talk to a woman you don't know." That may as well be; but not being able to initiate a meaningful conversation with a stranger won't get you into a relationship (if that's what one desires, of course). Once you get out of college and move to a strange town, it's very hard to strike up friends…

Not really if you approach it correctly. Find people that share interests with you, that enjoy same things you enjoy, etc. - internet makes that much easier. Visit places where such people assemble. Chances are you will encounter some people that you enjoy keeping company with. Then you will discover when you are in a suitable company, you're not shy at all.
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