Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

lifehacker.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

21–30 of 63 posts

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#21

Post by ajays »

As I read the comments, I see people becoming polarized very quickly. People are comparing shyness to homosexuality, etc.

I think we need to calm down. As I read the article, it is saying that if you think you're handicapped (as in, at a disadvantage, before someone brings up physically disabled people) in society due to shyness, then it is possible to work on it and overcome the handicap to a large extent. If you are happy with being shy, it's OK; no one wants you to change :)

I find being shy an impairment to making new friends and dating, and it bugs me. The weird part is: I used to be a TA in the university, and did a great job. I was able to lecture very well, and got good reviews. But in a social setting, I clam up. However: if I know the people well, I can become quite the life of the party. But when I'm with strangers, I can't just come out of my shell. For example: I could never go to a bar by myself and strike up a meaningful conversation with a strange woman.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#22

Post by r0s »

The most effective treatment for shyness I've found, was by far retail customer service.

Anyone can get these jobs, probably even somewhere fun part-time. The bar is so low for this type of job they will take almost anyone. It's very easy to distill a business interaction down to a short, easy script. Then repeat that dozens of times a day for a year and suddenly you're an expert at small talk with every kind of person.

It really worked for me, highly recommended.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#23

Post by dafunnie »

hkmurakami wrote: post #11
zephyrfalcon wrote: post #2

This comment nails it: """Please read "Quiet - The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain Saying its a habit is saying that you can easily overcome it. I don't feel it's a choice, do you know how many times I thought about ending my life because I hated being born an introvert and shy? This article might as well be called: If you are shy, its you're fault, stop being lazy and change. On…

"Shyness is a habit, it can be fixed!" reminds me of the "Homosexuality is a medical condition. It can be cured!" attitude of the mid twentieth century. We all know how that ended. I hope that as a society, we can find acceptance towards the introverts, much like how many straight people today are finding acceptance towards those who are different from them, realizing that in our essence, we are all the same.

The idea that any 'habit' manifesting itself socially/mentally are malleable and subject to the waning nature of societal confines. We, as members of the 21st century, may reprove of homosexuality as a disease because we are tolerant of love on a same-sex basis and believe that homosexuality cannot be cured but the same could be applied to many mental disorders. People who have aspergers or social anxiety are labelled as mentally ill because they do not conform to what we deem 'socially acceptable' - a coveted title that we cannot all claim to inherit. Our entire concept of what's a 'bad habit' or what's a 'disorder' is all a matter of social convention, leading us to label and shun people who do not fit the convention.

We live in a world where extroversion and all-roundedness are redeemable qualities, just as stoicism and reservedness was valued in Ancient China. The problem lies in the fact that society - the sole determinant of economical value - sees certain values as appropriate to the state of world and beneficial to its continued function. Human beings are biologically wired to adapt to social changes, and despite our wishes for society to adapt to accommodate us, there are instances where we need to make ourselves viable assets to an ever-evolving society. We obviously cannot change our personalities completely, but every course of action we take - from putting on deodorant to forcing ourselves to pass niceties to people we detest - are testament to the fact that we conform to what society demands of us.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#24

Post by ccc3 »

zephyrfalcon wrote: post #2

This comment nails it: """Please read "Quiet - The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain Saying its a habit is saying that you can easily overcome it. I don't feel it's a choice, do you know how many times I thought about ending my life because I hated being born an introvert and shy? This article might as well be called: If you are shy, its you're fault, stop being lazy and change. On…

I think that comment actually misses Susan Cain's point entirely. Here's a quote from Ms. Cain:

"Shyness and introversion are not the same thing. Shy people fear negative judgment, while introverts simply prefer less stimulation; shyness is inherently painful, and introversion is not." [1]

If you accept that definition of shyness, then it is necessarily bad. Living with fear and pain is bad. Missing opportunities to connect with people because of a remote possibility of being hurt is bad. Simply wanting more time to yourself is not.

Regarding fault, it doesn't really matter who's to blame (and I didn't see anything in the article about fault). As an example, some people are born with type 1 diabetes and have to constantly manage their blood sugar levels. It's not their fault that they were born with this disease, but it's their problem to manage it. The same goes for shyness. Your shyness may not be your fault, but you're the only one that's hurt by it.

[1] http://ideas.time.com/2012/01/26/dont-call-introverted-child...

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#25

Post by Anirak »

spodek wrote: post #17

Mention introversion and shyness, especially around geeks, and many people will come out saying, "I like being shy," "I'm an introvert, that's just the way I am," and things like that. Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly hard to learn, but my life improved so much with each bit that learning each bit motivated me to learn the next. Now nobody can believe I was ever not outgoi…

I'd say shyness is an actual fear while introversion is an option for how to spend your time. No one likes being shy, period. The closest thing they can say that will convince me is that they like being introverted. Which is fine, but as a chronically shy person who has worked to overcome it, they need to make sure it isn't an excuse to not improve themselves. Getting comfortable enough with oneself that they can be introverted when they wish is, in my opinion, the goal.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#26

Post by hedgie »

JoachimSchipper wrote: post #19
hedgie wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

seeing as personality is defined as a preferred set of reactions to external events, your preferred style of social interaction is part of your identity by definition. this is shorthand for saying "I prefer alone time to recharge" or "I am energized by the company of others," which is a fundamental aspect of identity. factor analysis of personality breaks down personality into related sets of consistent behaviors. in…

Sure it's part of your personality, but that doesn't mean it has to be part of your identity. There are people who don't consider their gender part of their identity, there are people who don't consider their (lack of) religion part of their identity, and there are definitely people who don't consider intro-/extrovert part of their identity. (Note that "identity" has the same meaning as in pg's article, above.)

well, pg is some dude defining identity on a blog, and the people i mention are famous scientists who quantified personality and isolated introversion/extraversion using a statistical theory with predictive value. this theory explained the behavior of dogs that Pavlov had noted in the fifties. the preference was eventually linked by Eysenck to levels of cortical arousal.

whether you consider it part of your identity or not is moot since introversion/extraversion still defines a consistent set of reactions to external events.

the article is wrong on every level. introversion has nothing to do with confidence. i speak very confidently when i want to. i was an excellent ta and can present on subjects clearly. in the course of my studies and career i have had several people tell me that i was the only person who could clearly explain complicated mathematical concepts to them. i enjoy talking to people and discussing with them.

i am still an introvert and have a preference for isolation that is consistent in my reactions to external events. this preference does not determine my reaction to all events. how introverted i am is a measure of the consistency of my preference towards solitude. i like talking with people - i just don't like it all the time.

i'm sure some people don't consider them introverts or extraverts. they usually fall on the middle of the scale, with no distinguished preference towards either category. however, their existence does not disprove that other people have strong preferences towards introversion or extraversion.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#27

Post by bane »

spodek wrote: post #17

Mention introversion and shyness, especially around geeks, and many people will come out saying, "I like being shy," "I'm an introvert, that's just the way I am," and things like that. Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly hard to learn, but my life improved so much with each bit that learning each bit motivated me to learn the next. Now nobody can believe I was ever not outgoi…

>Different people learn social skills differently. For me they were incredibly hard to learn...

Precisely. I like the introvert/extrovert description of recharges alone/recharges with other people. I grew up as a serious introvert, but my parents knew the value of social skills. One day my father turned it from a chore into an introvert-style learning exercise by framing it as a skill to be learned and not a quality to be had.

I joined the orchestra, got comfortable with public speaking, learned how to make small talk. I'm not a natural at it, but get by fine today, even in very public sales and lecture/teaching roles.

I still like to go home at the end of a day and recharge alone, but I can use it like a skill and it's been incredibly valuable.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#28

Post by pasbesoin »

Some people have sensory issues. Too much, too loud, too long is physically overwhelming.

They can be plenty communicative in smaller, quieter settings.

Contemporary society can drive them nearly crazy, insisting they "speak up", over the din of dozens crammed into a loud, poorly ventilated room. Insisting they tune out multiple conversations 3, 5, 10 feet away from them, for 8 or 10 or 12 hours a day, every day.

Give them some peace a quite, and they are quite effective. Give them high signal to noise ratio, and they exceed their peers.

One size does not fit all. The first thing a "shy" person often needs to learn, is this. Really learn this.

P.S. They can even learn to do the "crammed room" thing, for limited stretches and when there is a specific purpose that centers on those people being gathered together in that setting. (E.g. presentations, conferences, etc.)

That doesn't mean that the goal should be to thrive in such, 24/7. Nor to indiscriminately partner up with whoever happens to be in the room, just because they're sharing physical proximity.

/grump

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#29

Post by Craiggybear »

How about, I'm picky who I talk to and what I am prepared to discuss with relative strangers?

I am confident and comfortable in social settings but a lot of these things are frankly boring and I'd rather just not get involved. It's just a form of preserving one's sanity.

Re: Being Shy Is Just a Bad Habit, and You Can Break It With Regular Practice

#30

Post by JoachimSchipper »

hedgie wrote: post #26
JoachimSchipper wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sure it's part of your personality, but that doesn't mean it has to be part of your identity. There are people who don't consider their gender part of their identity, there are people who don't consider their (lack of) religion part of their identity, and there are definitely people who don't consider intro-/extrovert part of their identity. (Note that "identity" has the same meaning as in pg's article, above.)

well, pg is some dude defining identity on a blog, and the people i mention are famous scientists who quantified personality and isolated introversion/extraversion using a statistical theory with predictive value. this theory explained the behavior of dogs that Pavlov had noted in the fifties. the preference was eventually linked by Eysenck to levels of cortical arousal. whether you consider it part of your identity…

Nobody is arguing that intro-/extraversion does not exist and is not a valuable component in predicting human behaviour. pg 's article predicts that people self-identifying as X will have certain hangups around X, e.g. people self-identifying as shy are less likely to learn to be less shy, even if this would be desirable. Looking at this thread, that is exactly what happens. (And I'm done with this thread.)
Post reply on HN