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Losing my son

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Re: Losing my son

#401

Post by smeej »

dartharva wrote: post #390
smeej wrote: post #328

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is...so oblivious to trauma that it's hard to respond. The perpetrator (or the situation, in cases of unforeseeable accidents) makes you a victim. You do not. Many, many wounds are debilitating for life. Body parts don't grow back, and the fact that the scar doesn't hurt as much as the gaping wound when your arm came off doesn't give you the ability to use the arm. You have to learn how to function in a world de…

You are perhaps describing prolonged abuse, but we were talking about typical one-shot tragedies or losses one has to endure. They don't maim you for life unless you choose to hold on to the pain extensively. Though it is true that "moving on" by itself does involve you adapting to the new normal, which can concur to the notion of "integrating it to your story". I apologize if my replies sounded unnecessarily oblivio…

> You are perhaps describing prolonged abuse, but we were talking about typical one-shot tragedies or losses one has to endure. They don't maim you for life unless you choose to hold on to the pain extensively.

No, I'm even very literally talking about things like an industrial accident that yanks your arm off, or a problem that arises in surgery that leaves someone you love without any of their previous mental faculties (see original post). I'm talking about major tragedies, major losses, major grief.

If you're talking about the death of your childhood hamster or something, fine, maybe we're talking past each other, but I'm talking about the kinds of losses where you are not the same afterward as you were before, and you have to do the hard work of learning how to be your new self in the world.

Re: Losing my son

#402

Post by smeej »

seoulmetro wrote: post #375
smeej wrote: post #250

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Integrating the trauma into your personality and by extension your life" isn't optional. Biologically, the trauma changed both your body and your mind. Your neurological and endocrine systems do not respond to stimuli as they would have if you had not experienced the trauma. It's highly analogous to a deeply damaging physical wound. It is part of you now, whether you want it to be or not. You can't undo it, and deny…

Yes. So you and many other are encouraging letting the wound fester instead of healing it with all that you can. You can't undo it, but you can live with it and not let it fester. No one is talking about denial. My comments mention acceptance...

What's your understanding of how a body heals a major wound, like the loss of an arm? It has to integrate this into a reshaped understanding of itself. That's what healing is.

The core muscles have to rebalance to compensate for the missing weight. The neural pathways have to change in realization that, for example, instinctively trying to move that arm to catch a fall won't work anymore. The whole body has to relearn how to function now that it's different, now that the traumatic thing has happened.

This is integrating. Trying to function the way it did before actually prolongs the suffering. Only healing and integration is the path forward.

Re: Losing my son

#403

Post by smeej »

seoulmetro wrote: post #377
dartharva wrote: post #294

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sorry, but "integrating it into your story" sounds a lot like forcing victimhood down yourself unnecessarily. It is unfair - both to the present and future you, and to everyone around you who had no hand in the tragedy. Wounds heal and leave behind negligible scars that don't hurt the same; they don't shape your body and mind unless you keep "processing" them and make them fester.

Dang flagged and commented on this thread stating that my discussion on helping the poster was a "personal attack" on them. Wow. Now I know why there is so much resentment towards beneficial growth outwards from trauma.... dang is insane.

How many people have to reply and tell you you're completely and totally wrong about this before you'll at least take a step back and consider that you've missed something important?

Serious question. I'm genuinely wondering if there's a number.

Re: Losing my son

#404

Post by smeej »

77pt77 wrote: post #276
pattesseriedude wrote: post #252

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m sorry you had to go through that. I would like to advice that finding the right therapist takes time but don’t give up on finding one. My last psych laughed at me while I was trying to open up about the trauma and tell him about it in more detail. Some people don’t deserve to be therapists and are probably doing more harm than good to the society. He came as most recommended btw in my city. Luckily I was able to…

> My last psych laughed at me while I was trying to open up about the trauma Did he still get payed? Because I would laugh at his invoice.

I had a grief therapist start out by telling me the first thing we needed to address was my "pathological belief that my sister and my nephew were still alive somewhere."

Baffled, I was like, "In heaven? My...very mainstream religious belief in an afterlife with God? It's not like I told you I thought they were inhabiting dolls on my mantle or something."

He insisted, so I just stood up and told him I wouldn't be wasting any more of his time, because this was neither the time nor the place to have that argument with me and I left.

At least he had the good sense not to try to charge me for those three minutes.

Re: Losing my son

#405

Post by smeej »

seoulmetro wrote: post #358
stef25 wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The best thing to do with trauma as a kid is to let it go. Makes it sound like you have a choice. If you could let go it wouldn't be trauma ? A psych I saw told me to "just stop thinking about it" when I told her about my problems. Bitch I'm here for sole reason that I can't stop thinking about it. "Just do x" is non advice.

You do have a choice. Everything we do is sourced by choices. It's weird that you think helping people is not advice. I never said stop thinking about it. I said think about it, pass it through your pipeline of thought and then acknowledge it and leave it.

It's the "and leave it" part everyone is disagreeing with you about.

Major trauma changes you. There is no "leaving it." There is only relearning how to be the way you are now in the world so you can move forward.

Re: Losing my son

#406

Post by dugtff »

larsiusprime wrote: post #48

I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate a…

Hi Lars,

Sorry for your loss. I myself have two sons and almost cried when I read your post.

I just wanted to respectfully disagree that losing a child was that commonplace until approximately yesterday. IMO it's such a common thing that even today millions of people around the world suffer from that [0]. It's equally horrible experience to lose a child to what you describe in your post or to lose a child due to something this: [1]. (One could argue that a child simply dying is slightly better than having them brain dead for the next X years. But... let's leave it aside for now.)

My humble suggestion would be that maybe it would help to focus on preventing other children die. But IDK, I'm not a psychologist.

Chreers!

[0] https://ourworldindata.org/child-mortality

[1] WARNING: pretty graphical https://w.wiki/8thW

Re: Losing my son

#407

Post by cwbrandsma »

Back in college I had to read "Lament for a Son", written by a college professor that lost a son in a mountain climbing accident. The "Page left deliberately blank" hit me a bit hard, just empathizing with the emptiness.

Re: Losing my son

#408

Post by don_neufeld »

khaledh wrote: post #280
don_neufeld wrote: post #226

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My son turned 18 this week, and his condition is similar, with additional physical limitations (severe CP via PVL) Parenting him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but there have also been moments of joy. Hang in there, take care of yourself, and get as much help as you can. Being a carer is a huge job. I wrote a little here: https://x.com/dnf/status/1746775939961528693?s=20

What a beautiful young man <3 God bless him. Thank you. I know there are many parents out there going through the same circumstances. It's always heartwarming to see this kind of solidarity and support. It does help.

Thank you for your kind words, I agree that he was such a beautiful child.

I've been reflecting on all the good things about him this week, and one thing I realized today is that because he was so small, I would still pick him up and carry him around as a 10 to 12 year old sometimes. That's something other parents could only do with their children for a much shorter time, and I appreciate now that that was something special about our time together.

Re: Losing my son

#409

Post by erikpukinskis »

HlessClaudesman wrote: post #127
larsiusprime wrote: post #48

I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate a…

Hey Lars. Thanks for sharing your story, so many of us are in a similar situations but dealing with it in isolation. After more than a decade of being a carer I can offer you the following: Take care of yourself and your partner. Get some outside help if you can so you can take some breaks. Find things that bring you joy, treat yourself. Try and help your daughters process things and come away better people for the e…

> it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time.

I would’ve said this too, until 12 months ago. I lost my dog suddenly. And then some weeks and months later I started to feel her presence running up alongside me when I would walk in our familiar places.

In those moments I felt elation in her presence and also utter despair in her loss all at once.

It was a strange experience but also clear as day.

Re: Losing my son

#410

Post by HaZeust »

This was a great read. The human conditions and the trials and tribulations faced by each and every one of us are plentiful and can often be over-encumbering. Be kind to everyone :)
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