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Losing my son

fortressofdoors.com

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Re: Losing my son

#381

Post by trogdor »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #369
trogdor wrote: post #367

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I have also had many close associations and friends lose children, relatives, and associates; often, to unnatural causes. It has to do with the demographic I hang with. Perhaps this is morbid curiosity getting the best of me, but your last sentence was a surprise. What demographic do you hang out with that has such a high rate of death due to unnatural causes?

I can’t get specific. Suffice it to say that we are working to recover from destructive pasts. Sometimes, we don’t succeed.

Fair enough. I’m in the same boat, though possibly for different reasons. Best of luck to you.

Re: Losing my son

#382

Post by ryzvonusef » 

    > Turns out, unfathomable tragic loss isn't very hard. It's easy, in fact. Easy in the same way that falling off a cliff is "easy"–gravity does all the work for you. It's not like climbing mount Everest, desperately putting one foot in front of the other. It's not like struggling to answer questions in a final exam. Tragic loss is just something that happens to you.
Lars, that was very deeply insightful for me. Thank you for sharing this, it helped me understand my own grief in a new light.

I wish I could say something to help you in the way your words have helped me. I only wish you some measure of happiness, in what way or form it may come, and may your future days be of peace.

Re: Losing my son

#383

Post by debok »

smeej wrote: post #265
debok wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hi Lars Thank you very much for this write-up. I lost my 21 year old brother in law to leukemia a few years back. Even though I didn't experience the same severity of pain as my wife or in-laws, I was still there through all of it. I saw my parents-in-law taking care of their dying son, who only a few months ago was a promising ornithology student, and the fittest player on his soccer team. What you wrote resonates a…

> One thing I learned from my in-laws' tragedy, was that the grief never goes away, but you will grow stronger in dealing with it. Picture your life as a a big, clear ball. When the grief first happens, it's like a giant, dark ball suddenly fills up the entire ball. There's nothing else. Everything is pain. Everything is grief. People think the dark ball is meant to shrink over time, but in my experience, that's not…

Yes, that's a very apt description

Re: Losing my son

#384

Post by larsiusprime »

MandieD wrote: post #341
larsiusprime wrote: post #48

I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate a…

My generally bright 3-year-old son has a physical defect that will make life harder for him, and that is reparable by now-common-enough surgery, the sooner the better, but requires general anesthesia. "Is this worth the risks of general anesthesia" has a different balance for me after reading your story. Intellectually, I know there's risk for any sort of anesthesia, but you've given me some harsh emotional reality.…

Anesthesia definitely has non-zero risks, but for what it’s worth was entirely uninvolved in this accident.

Re: Losing my son

#385

Post by larsiusprime »

TedDoesntTalk wrote: post #298
larsiusprime wrote: post #48

I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate a…

Where did you get that haunting image describing Elder Sophrony of Essex's quote? I love it. I love the tunnel of light juxtaposed with the abyss. And, of course, the simple table with tea. Is the image copyrighted?

The quote was one of my wife’s favorites. The image is just from ChatGPT and I believe the current legal doctrine is AI generated images aren’t copyrightable.

Re: Losing my son

#386

Post by larsiusprime »

thehias wrote: post #287

It is a shame that medical bills can force you to change your way of life in the USA. In Germany or similiar countries with universal healthcare your cost would have been alomost 0$/€.

Fortunately I haven’t been saddled with enormous bills yet. We somehow qualified for public assistance. Granted we have also spent a very large number of hours on the phone and had to jump through many other hoops, and this is far from over.

Re: Losing my son

#388

Post by [deleted] »

smeej wrote: post #265
debok wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hi Lars Thank you very much for this write-up. I lost my 21 year old brother in law to leukemia a few years back. Even though I didn't experience the same severity of pain as my wife or in-laws, I was still there through all of it. I saw my parents-in-law taking care of their dying son, who only a few months ago was a promising ornithology student, and the fittest player on his soccer team. What you wrote resonates a…

> One thing I learned from my in-laws' tragedy, was that the grief never goes away, but you will grow stronger in dealing with it. Picture your life as a a big, clear ball. When the grief first happens, it's like a giant, dark ball suddenly fills up the entire ball. There's nothing else. Everything is pain. Everything is grief. People think the dark ball is meant to shrink over time, but in my experience, that's not…

[deleted]

Re: Losing my son

#389

Post by icehawk »

seoulmetro wrote: post #374
icehawk wrote: post #124

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your GP feels a bit flippant, regardless of whether it is or not.

It's not flippant. It's apparently classed as a personal attack to dang though. That's hilarious. Helping others attack themselves? OK. Helping others prevent self harm? BAD BOY.

Once again, I stated "regardless of whether it is or not." I'm sorry, but you failed to convey that.

Anyway, I hope this is hope this is a productive learning experience.

Re: Losing my son

#390

Post by dartharva »

smeej wrote: post #328
dartharva wrote: post #294

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sorry, but "integrating it into your story" sounds a lot like forcing victimhood down yourself unnecessarily. It is unfair - both to the present and future you, and to everyone around you who had no hand in the tragedy. Wounds heal and leave behind negligible scars that don't hurt the same; they don't shape your body and mind unless you keep "processing" them and make them fester.

This is...so oblivious to trauma that it's hard to respond. The perpetrator (or the situation, in cases of unforeseeable accidents) makes you a victim. You do not. Many, many wounds are debilitating for life. Body parts don't grow back, and the fact that the scar doesn't hurt as much as the gaping wound when your arm came off doesn't give you the ability to use the arm. You have to learn how to function in a world de…

You are perhaps describing prolonged abuse, but we were talking about typical one-shot tragedies or losses one has to endure. They don't maim you for life unless you choose to hold on to the pain extensively. Though it is true that "moving on" by itself does involve you adapting to the new normal, which can concur to the notion of "integrating it to your story".

I apologize if my replies sounded unnecessarily oblivious or insensitive; it is true that each trauma and pain is unique and we can't possibly know what other people are going through.

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