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Losing my son

fortressofdoors.com

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Re: Losing my son

#331

Post by stephenhumphrey »

I will make some personal comments to Lars privately, but let me say this, publicly:

I read between 10 and 100 articles or posts linked from HN every single day, and I have for years. As you can see for yourselves, I almost never comment. At this late stage in my life and career, it just seems fruitless to add my lone voice to the world of mostly-vapid, interconnected noise.

But Lar’s three poignant and vulnerable essays, as well as his comments on this post, seem to have brought out nearly universally the best people I’ve yet to see on HN or even on the larger net.

Wow. Most of you commenting are demonstrably fine people, and without calling out any in particular, I must decloak for this brief moment to say thank you for being such thoughtful, expressive, kind people.

I certainly hope some of your best comments resonate with and help Lars. However, even if not, your wisdom and humanity have helped me today — helped me process my own life and my still-too-raw tragedies.

Well done, HN “friends.” Keep up your “good works.” May we meet again, in real life or beyond.

Re: Losing my son

#332

Post by prometheus76 »

DiggyJohnson wrote: post #323
prometheus76 wrote: post #198

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I hope this doesn't sound overly simplistic, but it has changed my life. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. A couple of years ago, a therapist said, "Have you tried thinking of something else?" when I was explaining running through anxiety-inducing scenarios in my head. So now when something that causes anxiety or dread starts to show up in my head, I immediately say "I don't want to th…

I have joked that this is my "Bottle it up" approach to my mental health, which people usually assume is a self-deprecating joke, but there's actually a lot of truth in it. Being able to control when to mentally address these tough situations if a real skill, and is not simply ignoring the problem outright. I'm glad you shared this experience.

Yeah it felt like a revelation when someone said "you can control your thoughts" basically. I was like, "Really? Is it really that easy?" and it takes some practice but yes, you don't have to just let your brain run around thinking about whatever it wants. You can say "no". It really helps me to have a specific prayer I say instead so that my mind doesn't just jump to some other dreadful scenario.

The other most impactful thing I've done for my anxiety was uninstalling all news apps from my phone. I check the headlines one time in the morning to satiate my curiosity then I don't look at the news at all.

Re: Losing my son

#333

Post by retromario »

cristeigabriel wrote: post #248
bowsamic wrote: post #210

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But the son isn't gone from the experience of the father, why should he pretend like he is?

I think you forget the fact that his son has 0 ability for self-preservance. In some cases, we may make things that have no chance to exist on their own, persist, but in this case, what does it serve, but our own selfishness?

Every human being is born with zero ability for self-preservation...

Re: Losing my son

#334

Post by dopeboy »

don_neufeld wrote: post #226
khaledh wrote: post #213

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My son has a severe intellectual disability, he's non verbal, still wears diapers (age 12), and requires assistance in almost every aspect of his life. I still remember the day we received his diagnosis 9 years ago. The word "devastating" can only describe a small part of what we felt. Today, I consider him a gift from God. He made everything fall into perspective. His purity and unconditional love brings us tremendo…

My son turned 18 this week, and his condition is similar, with additional physical limitations (severe CP via PVL) Parenting him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but there have also been moments of joy. Hang in there, take care of yourself, and get as much help as you can. Being a carer is a huge job. I wrote a little here: https://x.com/dnf/status/1746775939961528693?s=20

Hi Don - I don't know you but I feel like I do now. And your son as well. Thank you for sharing that tweet.

Re: Losing my son

#335

Post by gwbas1c »

> My son is alive, but all of his higher mental functions have been wiped out. He still sleeps and wakes, breathes under his own power, and responds to certain stimuli, but he makes no intentional movements. He moves reflexively, and occasionally smiles and even laughs, but he can't speak and it's not clear what degree of awareness he still has of his situation, if any.

I remember when my mom got to that state when she was dying from cancer. I looked at my wife and told her that, when I'm at that state, feed me pain killers to move things along. (I didn't do that with my mom because she expressly told me that she didn't want euthanasia.)

But, when someone is in that state, is speeding along the inevitable really euthanasia? My mom was find with painkillers, even if they shortened her life by a few hours. I understand that the living need more time. (I wish I had more time with my mom.)

Re: Losing my son

#336

Post by smeej »

sambeau wrote: post #191

So beautifully put. When I lost my son, I found comfort in two thoughts— - A big life can be very short - "Why NOT me?" Grief is an illness that can only be cured by time. Your wounds heal over, but never completely fade. You gradually pack it away in a little box alongside a few physical things—small clothes, toys, photos—and try not to open it too often in case you let it all spill out, or the smells to fade. Every…

> A big life can be very short.

My nephew was born by emergency c-section after my sister experienced sudden cardiac death at age 29, 8 months pregnant. They were able to restart his heart, but after six days, he had recovered no brain activity, and passed away in the loving arms of his dad.

In those six days, that little boy brought peace to every person who met him, in the worst situation any of us had ever been in, even though he never even took a breath under his own power or opened his eyes.

Every year, as the anniversaries of his birth and death come around, I spend those days trying to ask myself if I've made good use of my time like he did of his.

BIG life. Long impact. Short days.

Re: Losing my son

#338

Post by hasoleju »

I read the article and browsed a lot of comments. I did not expect to read such an article when I opened the site today.

The article and a lot of comments really touched me. I gained a completely new perspective. Reading about the feeling of loosing a child automatically sparks the imagination about my one feelings about such a tragedy. Only thinking about it is somehow horrible. It really puts every other daily concern about the children and every dispute one might have with them into perspective.

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and stories. I am moved.

Re: Losing my son

#339

Post by stefantalpalaru »

larsiusprime wrote: post #53
mise_en_place wrote: post #49

The cruelest thing of all is that, technically speaking, his son is still alive. I’d imagine this to be far more torturous. I have lost many close family members, but they all lost their biological lives. This just seems to be one of the worst experiences you could go through.

People are downvoting you, but yes, his situation is worse than death in a sense. In some ways it's a comfort to still have what's left of him with me, in other ways it's worse. I definitely have a DNR in place for myself. I have complicated feelings about... well, everything, which I did my best to exorcise in this piece I posted a few days ago: https://www.fortressofdoors.com/four-magic-words/

[dead]

Re: Losing my son

#340

Post by edc117 »

zeven7 wrote: post #118
adverbly wrote: post #12

This is absolutely gut-wrenching. Lars is an absolutely incredible thinker with a polymath-like range. - He has done great professional work as a software developer - He has pushed forward arguably one of the best economic policies for modern times(land value tax) through both a startup[1], and writing[2]. I particularly like his interview with Dwarkesh Patel[3] - He contributes core thinking to rationalist communiti…

> The two most impactful thinkers/writers in my life I am not familiar with the author, but after reading this article I am interested in learning more him and his other thoughts. Can you provide a good starting place for reading material? Specifically something that you feel affected your life.

Way back in 2012, this affected a lot of my thinking around software piracy/selling software, and I think a lot of it has proven pretty insightful in the intervening decade:

https://www.fortressofdoors.com/piracy-and-the-four-currenci...

The images are shot, but that may be all the attention his site is getting today.

Edit: Many others are already saying it, but thank you for sharing, Lars. No one should have go through this, and your thoughts were beautifully written. Makes me feel very grateful/humbled for so much that I take for granted.

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