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Losing my son

fortressofdoors.com

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Re: Losing my son

#321

Post by baconhigh »

HlessClaudesman wrote: post #127
larsiusprime wrote: post #48

I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate a…

Hey Lars. Thanks for sharing your story, so many of us are in a similar situations but dealing with it in isolation. After more than a decade of being a carer I can offer you the following: Take care of yourself and your partner. Get some outside help if you can so you can take some breaks. Find things that bring you joy, treat yourself. Try and help your daughters process things and come away better people for the e…

I appreciate that your post is thoughtful and has good intentions, but can i suggest not telling people how they can or cannot feel, or what they should or shouldn’t do? (hah. putting myself into this basket for a second and acknowledging this comment)

emotions are complex. you can show compassion and empathy without instruction?

inshallah

Re: Losing my son

#322

Post by DiggyJohnson »

JohnnyD10 wrote: post #319
nineplay wrote: post #281

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you for sharing this. I've been going though it for over a decade and I rarely talk about it. I'm almost ashamed of it for reasons that I don't think I can put into words right now. But I feel so isolated sometimes. Physically because it's so hard for us to go out, and mentally because if I share the details with 'ordinary' people it just tends to alienate them. People want to hear about softball tournaments an…

I have seen many people like you respond here, but I felt a need to talk to you. I have a different story. I have convinced 2 partners over my younger life to have abortions. I was young and stupid. I thought life would continue in the grandest way it seemed then, and got caught off guard and was terrified. I have since had 2 children, and the sorrow and devastation of my past choices now haunts me. The love I lost.…

This is one of the most moving things I've ever read on this site. Thanks for sharing your experience about a topic like this, where any discussion turns to the politics of the topic rather than the emotional impact it can have on real humans. Be well my friend, I'm sorry that you're having a hard time forgiving yourself.

Re: Losing my son

#323

Post by DiggyJohnson »

prometheus76 wrote: post #198
totetsu wrote: post #163

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Find some things in your life to be grateful for and dwell on them, it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. Any advice on how to do this one. Recently I have been Noticing how no matter how many Good things I do in a year once they’re over they don’t really bring positive feelings the same way that the bad things pop up and make them selves dwelled upon.

I hope this doesn't sound overly simplistic, but it has changed my life. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. A couple of years ago, a therapist said, "Have you tried thinking of something else?" when I was explaining running through anxiety-inducing scenarios in my head. So now when something that causes anxiety or dread starts to show up in my head, I immediately say "I don't want to th…

I have joked that this is my "Bottle it up" approach to my mental health, which people usually assume is a self-deprecating joke, but there's actually a lot of truth in it. Being able to control when to mentally address these tough situations if a real skill, and is not simply ignoring the problem outright. I'm glad you shared this experience.

Re: Losing my son

#324

Post by NateEag »

JohnnyD10 wrote: post #319
nineplay wrote: post #281

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you for sharing this. I've been going though it for over a decade and I rarely talk about it. I'm almost ashamed of it for reasons that I don't think I can put into words right now. But I feel so isolated sometimes. Physically because it's so hard for us to go out, and mentally because if I share the details with 'ordinary' people it just tends to alienate them. People want to hear about softball tournaments an…

I have seen many people like you respond here, but I felt a need to talk to you. I have a different story. I have convinced 2 partners over my younger life to have abortions. I was young and stupid. I thought life would continue in the grandest way it seemed then, and got caught off guard and was terrified. I have since had 2 children, and the sorrow and devastation of my past choices now haunts me. The love I lost.…

This reduced me to tears.

I'm so sorry for the pain you've gone through due to your past choices, and the loss you've given voice to here.

I hope you find some measure of peace. Thank you for sharing what you've gone through and what you've learned from it.

Re: Losing my son

#325

Post by DiggyJohnson »

smeej wrote: post #166
HlessClaudesman wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hey Lars. Thanks for sharing your story, so many of us are in a similar situations but dealing with it in isolation. After more than a decade of being a carer I can offer you the following: Take care of yourself and your partner. Get some outside help if you can so you can take some breaks. Find things that bring you joy, treat yourself. Try and help your daughters process things and come away better people for the e…

> it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. This is very much the opposite of my experience. Being grateful even for the losses that have brought the most sorrow, the two things at the very same time, has ripped me apart, but it's also been the only way through. ETA: I say this not to contradict you or deny your experience. I say it in case other people are thinking their experience might need t…

Agreed, this was my reaction as well. One of the most tragic feelings I've ever experienced in the realization of how lucky you are once something is gone. This is one of the defining aspects of my experience with lost relationships and the death of friends and family.

Re: Losing my son

#326

Post by smeej »

ohbleek wrote: post #318
smeej wrote: post #265

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> One thing I learned from my in-laws' tragedy, was that the grief never goes away, but you will grow stronger in dealing with it. Picture your life as a a big, clear ball. When the grief first happens, it's like a giant, dark ball suddenly fills up the entire ball. There's nothing else. Everything is pain. Everything is grief. People think the dark ball is meant to shrink over time, but in my experience, that's not…

Thank you for sharing these. My brother was murdered a year ago and today I’m trying to finish writing my victim impact statement to be read at the sentencing of his killer. I’ve been frozen in my processing for several days and your descriptions helped me place myself back in my body as I tend to disassociate when faced with the overwhelming grief of his loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the added layers of pain around how it happened. The thought of trying to put that into words that have to be shared publicly hurts my heart for you.

There's nothing I can say that will make it better. Just know a stranger on the internet is taking a moment to cry with your pain.

Re: Losing my son

#327

Post by [deleted] »

JohnnyD10 wrote: post #319
nineplay wrote: post #281

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you for sharing this. I've been going though it for over a decade and I rarely talk about it. I'm almost ashamed of it for reasons that I don't think I can put into words right now. But I feel so isolated sometimes. Physically because it's so hard for us to go out, and mentally because if I share the details with 'ordinary' people it just tends to alienate them. People want to hear about softball tournaments an…

I have seen many people like you respond here, but I felt a need to talk to you. I have a different story. I have convinced 2 partners over my younger life to have abortions. I was young and stupid. I thought life would continue in the grandest way it seemed then, and got caught off guard and was terrified. I have since had 2 children, and the sorrow and devastation of my past choices now haunts me. The love I lost.…

[deleted]

Re: Losing my son

#328

Post by smeej »

dartharva wrote: post #294
smeej wrote: post #249

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, the alternative is working through it, processing it, and integrating it into your story of yourself as something you've overcome. "Letting it go" lands the same as "excise it from your life," which isn't possible. Your body and your mind were shaped by it whether you wanted them to be or not. You have to find a way to integrate it or you'll just keep fighting a losing battle for the rest of your life.

Sorry, but "integrating it into your story" sounds a lot like forcing victimhood down yourself unnecessarily. It is unfair - both to the present and future you, and to everyone around you who had no hand in the tragedy. Wounds heal and leave behind negligible scars that don't hurt the same; they don't shape your body and mind unless you keep "processing" them and make them fester.

This is...so oblivious to trauma that it's hard to respond.

The perpetrator (or the situation, in cases of unforeseeable accidents) makes you a victim. You do not.

Many, many wounds are debilitating for life. Body parts don't grow back, and the fact that the scar doesn't hurt as much as the gaping wound when your arm came off doesn't give you the ability to use the arm. You have to learn how to function in a world designed around two-armed people even though you can't have yours back.

Neural pathways that didn't form correctly because your childhood lacked safety similarly aren't replaceable. There is no amount of thinking about it differently that undoes what happened.

You can never be a person these things didn't happen to. You can become someone who understands that they did happen in the past, that they changed you, but that they are not happening now.

You will always have to approach reality as someone who went through what you went through, but that isn't the same as living your whole life as though it's still happening in the present.

Re: Losing my son

#329

Post by Dweller1622 »

lo_zamoyski wrote: post #315
larsiusprime wrote: post #268

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And to anyone who feels like telling me what a bad person I am for drawing the line in a slightly different place than you do on Euthanasia — go read Four Magic Words before you post something glib assuming you know anything about my reasoning and motivations. Go ahead and have a reasoned debate about euthanasia if you want — I’ve never subscribed to “the person who is suffering the most this second gets to be right…

It seems you are following the ethical course, and this is commendable. As you may already know, in ethics we distinguish between ordinary and extraordinary (or disproportionate) care. But while we may licitly refuse disproportionate care, at least in many cases, we cannot intentionally cause the death of anyone (ourselves or another; the "self-ownership" thesis is likely responsible for the view that we can licitly…

> what is morally good is objective and not fully accounted for by consent, or utility.

Could you elaborate here? I'm curious what is meant by this.

Re: Losing my son

#330

Post by nineplay »

larsiusprime wrote: post #268
larsiusprime wrote: post #48

I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate a…

And to anyone who feels like telling me what a bad person I am for drawing the line in a slightly different place than you do on Euthanasia — go read Four Magic Words before you post something glib assuming you know anything about my reasoning and motivations. Go ahead and have a reasoned debate about euthanasia if you want — I’ve never subscribed to “the person who is suffering the most this second gets to be right…

> 4) It has not been sentimental, romantic, or spiritually invigorating. It’s been horrible.

I've been reading everything you've posted and this is my favorite line. Nothing about what's happened with my son has made me better.

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