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Losing my son

fortressofdoors.com

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Re: Losing my son

#91
post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All hard things worth doing are. What's your point? Don't do anything worth doing because it's hard? I have both said and done. It's better for you than integrating the trauma into your personality and by extension your life.

Suggesting a seemingly easy solution to a debilitating problem someone is having might cause them to feel less about themselves. I believe the point is to offer sympathy to a reader who reads your post and sort of goes “if it’s just that, why can’t I seem to do it?”. I can tell you mean well, but there’s an asterisk to your advice your commenters seem to point out. Your advice might require years and finding a good t…

It's not a seemingly easy solution to let others and your past affect you less...

Or it may require taking the steps yourself right now because someone has helped you realise it.

Stop trying to protect people from helping themselves. If people don't want to help themselves they are free to.

Sounds like all of you are enabling the self-destruction of the above comment. That's something even I'm offended by.

Re: Losing my son

#92

I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate a…

I also had a bit of an annus horribilis last year, and ended up taking almost a year off of blogging out of a sense of embarrassment and shame. I wanted to thank you for having the courage to write this and share the work through which you have been processing everything. It really would have helped to see all of this writing about 10 months ago, so I am glad it is here for everyone else and for my own inevitable next time at "rock bottom."

I also wanted to encourage you to keep going with your creative work, because I know it can really help fathom the depths of your mind in a way that "logical" thought really can't. For me, it was playing the piano and writing some (bad) compositions. You write very well, and I hope it brings you some clarity and relief.

Thank you and my best wishes to you and your family.

Re: Losing my son

#93
post #81

This is my biggest fear, I wish I could be ignorant about how fragile our existence really is. How one moment, one mistake can change things forever. I cannot imagine there is much worse to endure than losing your child especially at a young age. I have much sympathy for the writer and I want to wish him well.

I think what worsens our pain is that we mostly forget that not everything is under our control. In fact, maybe nothing's under our control.

Re: Losing my son

#94

As a parent who has lost a son - I feel this immensely. At least you can see his face. That’s more than I can say for mine. He’ll forever be 12 years old to me. What helped me was giving back. I’m sure the road ahead will be hard, but don’t give up.

What was your son like?

I’d rather not, if you don’t mind.

Re: Losing my son

#95

[flagged]

Recently I listened to David Goggins on Huberman. He talks a lot about confronting your traumas, and as far as I can tell, it really is the only solution.

> Being molested shouldn't stop you getting a good education, finding someone you like or earning well for yourself

You are being downvoted (I guess) because people mistake this kind of attitude for apathy, but I think it is a valid statement, and there is research to show this attitude can be very helpful

Re: Losing my son

#97
post #74

My son passed May 10 2018; I was drunk from May 11 2018 until sometime in 2022 with struggles off and on. I’d love to chat about the insane level of grief I experienced and maybe help or just listen. Come find me if you’d like.

I've come to understand that parents who have lost a child often face significant challenges in maintaining their relationship. Could you offer advice for such parents, both for before and after experiencing this tragic event, on how they can stay united and prevent further losses in their lives? Additionally, are there circumstances where it might be healthier for them not to stay together?

Coming up on the 6th anniversary of his death; my wife and I are separated and going through a divorce. I’d like to say it is all my fault because I am still emotionally unavailable but it takes two.

As for advice I think as we all relationships, communication is key. I dropped the ball here because honestly the first year I only got out of bed to go to the liquor store.

Year two, I drained my retirement to live while staying 24/7 obliterated and not dealing with what can only be called a complete loss of one’s identity and self.

I don’t think it is healthy for us to stay together because she took the loss much easier than I at least from all outward appearance.

Years 3-5 was a very introspective and healing time where I went through periods of depression and hopelessness.

I’m now in the rediscovering who I am phase because I kind of lost that along the way.

So in conclusion, a combination of LSD and therapy(CBT) allowed me to start moving forward with life and slowly getting out of a never ending cycle of grief.

That probably doesn’t answer your question but I think every one who has to go through this kind of event is going to handle it differently.

Re: Losing my son

#98
Lars, thank you for sharing. And you must know that you'll be fully reunited with your son again one day. I am humbled by your family's grace and strength.

Re: Losing my son

#99
I lost my 3 1/2 year old daughter to sudden illness about 10 months ago. Be gentle to yourself and your family. There will be times where you aren’t actively feeling the grief, but they pull you into theirs or vice versa. There will be times where your love and grief for your lost child will make it easy to forget to cherish the loved ones in front of you.

As you figure out how to live life from here– may you find a path forward that is healthy, loving, and beneficial for you and those you care about.

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