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How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

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Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#161

Post by hitekker »

drekipus wrote: post #125
ben_w wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have access to far more food than I can physically (let alone healthily) eat. That I am clearly fulfilled with my existing diet doesn't stop me from trying new things on the menu, nor new restaurants with entirely new menus. And the desire to try new things doesn't imply that the absence of them is "impossible to live without" — even back out of metaphor land and back to human sexuality, lot of gay people used to l…

A person isn't a food item, and "formally straight" relationships (including marriages) fall apart, obviously because that person isn't straight anymore.. Which is my point: the relationship isn't "secure" if you're to find out that you're actually gay.

Well-reasoned points. Nice job avoiding the extremely online argument where "relationship security" and "food security" apparently mean the same thing.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#162

Post by Ekaros »

irrational wrote: post #5

I’m convinced this is the next big legal/political marriage change after gay marriage. Though, this one might be a bit harder for developers. I imagine most government databases are setup to assume a 1-to-1 marriage relationship rather than a many-to-many relationship.

Now I start to think about inheritance and who would be considered a parent of a child from such marriage... All members, some paternity test? If paternity test is not allowed, all males?

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#163

Post by theklr »

Unbefleckt wrote: post #153
joegibbs wrote: post #16

Is it really that popular? I've never met a single polyamorous person in my entire life, they just seem very vocal on the internet.

I've met a few, but they're always in weird dysfunctional relationships in which one of them is very sexual and wants more than their partner, and their partner is hopelessly in love with this person and will do absolutely anything for fear of losing them. It's vaguely abusive.

This is my ancedata as well. It’s usually used as a proxy to prevent divorce. Those who are actually poly it’s a lot of over communication and a lot of syncing of calendars.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#164

Post by hitekker »

voidwtf wrote: post #127
hnthrowaway6543 wrote: post #120

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're gatekeeping a lot here. I realize that some poly people are much more dedicated to the lifestyle and truly believe in being able to maintain multiple partners. But there's no way to distinguish between that and the "we've been married for 3 years but we're turning poly" case, nor do you or I have the authority to say that's not really polyamory.

You're right, I could have worded that better. I was trying to battle the stigma that polyamory is sanctioned infidelity.

"Sanctioned infidelity" is not a stigma, it's a reality. While a select few may practice as they preach, most would rather a license that enables them to cheat without social consequence. The NYTimes marketed polyamory-as-cheating in a highly visible article way back when: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/11/magazine/is-an-open-marri...

It drew some backlash from the few happy polyamorous couples who were interviewed and didn't fit that reality: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-representation-worksor-do...

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#165

Post by pfisherman »

By this I think they mean “ethical non monogamy” in the US?

People have been screwing around on their partners throughout history. Some cultures turn a blind eye so long as proper discretion is exercised. In others, polygamous marriages are explicitly sanctioned - usually to the detriment of women. The US tends to be a bit puritanical when it comes to sex.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#166

Post by drekipus »

ben_w wrote: post #146
drekipus wrote: post #125

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A person isn't a food item, and "formally straight" relationships (including marriages) fall apart, obviously because that person isn't straight anymore.. Which is my point: the relationship isn't "secure" if you're to find out that you're actually gay.

You appear to be shifting the goalposts, and not just because this comment of yours right here looks like it's mixing up formerly and formally. Are you unfamiliar with the concept of a metaphor? I did explicitly note that food was a metaphor. After all, your original comment said: > if it is impossible to live without it. Which is a much higher standard than you're now using, one where food is a useful metaphor as on…

I would reason that a relationship that needs to be enforced isn't "secure."

What does "secure in their relationship" mean to you?

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#167

Post by ben_w »

drekipus wrote: post #166
ben_w wrote: post #146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You appear to be shifting the goalposts, and not just because this comment of yours right here looks like it's mixing up formerly and formally. Are you unfamiliar with the concept of a metaphor? I did explicitly note that food was a metaphor. After all, your original comment said: > if it is impossible to live without it. Which is a much higher standard than you're now using, one where food is a useful metaphor as on…

I would reason that a relationship that needs to be enforced isn't "secure." What does "secure in their relationship" mean to you?

That you have no fear of losing it.

Prisoners are secure. They are also, to use the word you used earlier, bored.

Don't mistake "secure" for "fun". It is an independent axis of consideration.

Lots of people value security over fun, including when it comes to sexuality.

Not everyone, but lots of people.

And going further up this thread back to what Quinzel wrote:

> If I felt secure in a relationship, having a partner that wants to experiment with others/date others wouldn’t really bother me.

Alice can feel secure about Bob always being there for Alice when Alice needs it, while also being comfortable with the idea that Bob sometimes boinks Chris, and this can be either true or false, this is independent of if Alice wants to boink Dee.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#168

Post by onionisafruit »

irrational wrote: post #134
onionisafruit wrote: post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve been through all of those except the divorce, and I don’t think any of them involved a government database. It was all done with documents I provided.

Those were government documents, right? I assume if they were lost or destroyed, the government would need to go to a database to recreate them.

If your marriage license is lost or destroyed you request a copy of the original from the county where you were married. A clerk finds the license and makes copies to send you. Some counties make have digitized this.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#169

Post by MisterBastahrd »

krisoft wrote: post #76
MisterBastahrd wrote: post #10

It isn't. I don't know of a single couple in my personal life or extended group of friends that went poly and remained a couple past 5 years. They all eventually split up. Why get married if you're going to be polyamorous. Seems like a bit of a hassle to tie yourself up legally and financially when you've otherwise thrown all other parts of the relationship to the wind.

> It isn't. Pardon me, but what isn’t? Are you saying it is not popular? > I don't know of a single couple in my personal life or extended group of friends that went poly and remained a couple past 5 years. This sentence makes it sound like you know multiple people who went poly. Which is exactly what “become so popular” mean. Then it sounds like you argue that it doesn’t make sense and the affected mariages didn’t l…

I also know three people in prison for murder, two for rape, and two more who died by cop while unarmed in their cars. It doesn't mean any of those things are popular or even approaching popularity. That you've heard of something doesn't imply popularity.

And at least in the case of the poly couples I mentioned, there are no poly couples anymore. Not only did all of them break up, but they all decided that it was incongruent to maintaining a lasting and trusting relationship for the long term.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#170

Post by voidwtf »

hitekker wrote: post #164
voidwtf wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're right, I could have worded that better. I was trying to battle the stigma that polyamory is sanctioned infidelity.

"Sanctioned infidelity" is not a stigma, it's a reality. While a select few may practice as they preach, most would rather a license that enables them to cheat without social consequence. The NYTimes marketed polyamory-as-cheating in a highly visible article way back when: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/11/magazine/is-an-open-marri... It drew some backlash from the few happy polyamorous couples who were interviewed…

It appears that you're simultaneously admitting that the article excluded information that did not fit the narrative they wanted as well as using it in your own narrative? It sounds like the article has issues like the threads article.

I believe stigma is a function of societal views and norms. In America anything besides the nuclear family with a married male and female parent is still stigmatized. I believe we can largely thank religious influence for that. Stigma is a reality, and the stigma I was referring to was that anything besides that malefemale relationship is often deemed incompatible with "moral" living.

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