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How to boss without being bossy

jeffwofford.com

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Re: How to boss without being bossy

#161

Post by dafelst »

switch007 wrote: post #95
happytiger wrote: post #55

Good tech leaders generally don’t command: they inspire. And when you’re at the point where you’re trying to figure out the “right way to say things” you’ve already, utterly, failed. Good tech leaders influence, guide, and grow people. They are honest and authentic . The management style I have seen work the best is when people act in a real, genuine and sincere ways that are true to who they are as individuals and a…

> Good tech leaders generally don’t command: they inspire. Agreed. Compare: We’re going to sail on the high seas and discover new lands! vs Cut down that tree for wood and build a ship.

Sure, but who is going to cut the wood and build the ship? In your first example, no one explicitly owns executing that task, which is very bad if you do want to sail the high seas.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#162

Post by sandman008 »

wavemode wrote: post #140
romanhn wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

#3 is actually unlikely to be effective due to the well-studied bystander effect (everyone stands around hoping someone else will help). Asking a concrete person is much more likely to get it done.

Just want to point that the bystander effect (like many classic theories in psychology, it seems) could not be replicated in a real-world study: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect#Counter_examp... In real life, many people really do jump in to help when they know help is needed.

No OP, but bystander effect is definitely real. *Anecdotal example* : got immediate response for my email after addressing specific person. This was after repeated appeals for help/response to entire team on same email chain.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#163

Post by GreedClarifies »

How to boss correctly :

1. be straight with people 2. periodically have a discussion about what the people want and how/if your goals are aligned 3. explain how you can help people get their objectives 4. Depending upon complexity, explain perhaps in detail, why a task is aligned

Align goals, if doing tasks is in a person's best then they will do it. Otherwise there will be friction that helps no one.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#164

Post by switch007 »

dafelst wrote: post #161
switch007 wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Good tech leaders generally don’t command: they inspire. Agreed. Compare: We’re going to sail on the high seas and discover new lands! vs Cut down that tree for wood and build a ship.

Sure, but who is going to cut the wood and build the ship? In your first example, no one explicitly owns executing that task, which is very bad if you do want to sail the high seas.

Okay, here's the rest of the story :P :

We’re going to sail on the high seas and discover new lands! Who's with me?

Great! Now, what we need is some wood. How can we get some wood?

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#166

Post by dafelst »

switch007 wrote: post #164
dafelst wrote: post #161

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sure, but who is going to cut the wood and build the ship? In your first example, no one explicitly owns executing that task, which is very bad if you do want to sail the high seas.

Okay, here's the rest of the story :P : We’re going to sail on the high seas and discover new lands! Who's with me? Great! Now, what we need is some wood. How can we get some wood?

Improved for sure

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#167

Post by brandensilva »

habinero wrote: post #155
freedomben wrote: post #145

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is honestly fascinating to me, so I ask these questions in a curious and honest attempt to understand you more. Do you know why you feel this way? How does it make you feel when somebody says that? Does this stay true even for a significant other? Meta: I upvoted because this is a legitimate perspective and one I think that needs to be shared. For the down voters, why would you down vote this? Is there a reason…

It comes down to cultural norms, really. Where I am, a plain brusque "Do this" is rude. You act that way to people you really dislike. So the social interaction is you come up to me and are deliberately hostile and then order me to do something. That's what you do to an employee you dislike and wish would quit. Obviously I'm capable of understanding different people communicate differently, and I can deal, but that's…

So does everything have to be phrased as a question for you to feel better about a request?

Aka "Hey Jim, can you tackle this issue?"

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#168

Post by jancsika »

Paul-Craft wrote: post #75
jancsika wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Upshot: you are supposed to take out the trash using a realtime scheduler, and the common question means you have missed many deadlines! It's as if you are forcing your spouse to somehow smell a janky web page.

Of course, you only got into the situation where you're supposed to take out the trash with some fancy realtime scheduler because the impulse to spend 6 hours automating a 15 second task was too strong to resist....

You get into the situation because, in a relationship, a stench that lasts past a hard limit will get associated with a lot more than the garbage.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#169

Post by blotato »

1letterunixname wrote: post #48
blotato wrote: post #30

The more trust and respect there is among a group of people, the more direct they can be with each other, without coming off as harsh. There is a lot of implicit communication in a relationship with deep trust and respect at its core. You can say less, very directly, and usually get what you want, without offending anyone.

Yes. The trick is good rapport, a sense of humor, and respect rather than familiarity leading to contempt. One anti-pattern I've seen is the "big fish in tiny bowl" syndrome where a certain person evolves over the years into an overpaid, arrogant asshole.

Also the problem with formulaic wording, as prescribed in the blog, is that it promotes overthinking about the wrong thing. You overthink the particular phrasing and intonation, rather than thinking about how to improve your relationship with others which would yield substantially more positive results. And when you hesitate from overthinking, people can sense that you're not being authentic or genuine.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#170

Post by tekchip »

TylerE wrote: post #143
anymouse123456 wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I also stiffen under, "I want you to..." In those cases I strongly prefer to use and hear, "Will you please..." There's something in it that feels like I don't exist. It's just an announcement of what the King or Queen wants. I'm not worthy of consideration in the request.

"Will you please" makes me think of a parent telling their kid to stop kicking the back of the seat in front of them. That's like the MOST passive aggressive phrasing.

I'm going to echo this. "Please" implies an optional action like when you're trying to be kind to a child. As an adult some people will need you to do things unequivocally. If you can't handle that then that's really unfortunate for you. Please, get over yourself and understand that sometimes business is business and some thing must be done. They aren't optional. Otherwise you may find yourself finding a new job.

Having said that, I think it is wise to try to keep things amicable and only fall back to more rigid language and requests, stated as requirements, only after kinder communication has failed.

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