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How to boss without being bossy

jeffwofford.com

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Re: How to boss without being bossy

#141

Post by freedomben »

yterdy wrote: post #132
somewhereoutth wrote: post #19

Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. But more seriously: Ensure people know what and why something is important, ideally by arriving at that conclusion jointly and as part of an overarching plan that everyone can feel involved in - thus requests shouldn't be a surprise, they aren't coming from you so much as from the plan (nebulous though it may be)…

Having grown up with a father that did the opposite of all of these points, I recognize that this is also good parenting advice.

This is a huge parenting tip that I hope more people see. My dad was pretty good about explaining and showing why he was making rules or decisions, but I also spent a lot of time with friends who had parents who did not, so I've seen both sides of this.

When your kids are young, it matters much less and in some cases not at all. But especially as they get older, and can start to exercise reason, you should always, always explain why you are making a decision or a rule. Even if the why is "because I get too hot and I like the thermostat being low" being honest is not only going to get more compliance, but it will build trust, and your kids will learn from your example.

It really is good general life success advice.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#142

Post by TylerE »

freedomben wrote: post #136
sspiff wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my personal experience, I prefer people saying "I need you to" over "If you could just". The "nice" corner of the chart simply screams hypocrisy to me. Like they want to say or mean "do this" but they try to couch it in some passive aggressive pleasantry. No thank you. I prefer clear communication.

I completely agree. I rejoice in directness. It's a hard time for people like us to be in tech (particularly startups and small companies), because the culture of extreme passive aggressive is widespread and prevalent. Many people, most people, view direct requests as rudeness or condescension, even though the net result is exactly the same. The worst part of it to me though, is that it can be hard sometimes to figur…

The biggest thing I hate is the attitude that work is something you're supposed to be passionate about. I'm passionate about having a roof over my head, not coding CRUD apps.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#143

Post by TylerE »

anymouse123456 wrote: post #130
NiloCK wrote: post #103

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. Can you say more about this? I use this phrase (or slight variations) all the time in both work and personal contexts. I had no idea it could be abrasive.

Yeah, I also stiffen under, "I want you to..." In those cases I strongly prefer to use and hear, "Will you please..." There's something in it that feels like I don't exist. It's just an announcement of what the King or Queen wants. I'm not worthy of consideration in the request.

"Will you please" makes me think of a parent telling their kid to stop kicking the back of the seat in front of them. That's like the MOST passive aggressive phrasing.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#144

Post by gardenhedge »

gardenhedge wrote: post #3

I like this approach - with the extra clarity added "The trash needs to be taken out because . Can you look after that ?" Clarity: 5/5 Harshness: 1/5

I am intrigued by the downvoters. Can you explain the downvotes please?

In my mind it works perfectly at all levels. It's clear and direct and it invites feedback.

"As part of our customer satisfaction strategy, we need an online portal. Mary, can you take ownership of this stream?"

"We're due to deliver the pie chart feature this week and there's still multiple code reviews outstanding. Bob, Dylan and Charlie, can you work together and get this done by the end of the week?"

"There's a bug affecting two of our top customers. To avoid losing them as customers, we will need to get it investigated and fixed as a top priority. Jane, can you look into this today and give me an update by the end of the day?"

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#145

Post by freedomben »

PunchTornado wrote: post #124
solatic wrote: post #51

If you're looking for the right turn of phrase, you already lost. As a leader, you need to establish a rapport (with someone who is anyway initially inclined to desire rapport with you, because you're their boss and have outsize influence over future compensation) and negotiate over high-level context: IC availability and understanding what problems need solving. If everyone understands the problem and there's mutual…

I disagree. No matter how much trust there is I accept nobody to tell me "I need you to do ..." or some other direct variant. Fortunately I encountered few bad bosses like this.

This is honestly fascinating to me, so I ask these questions in a curious and honest attempt to understand you more.

Do you know why you feel this way? How does it make you feel when somebody says that? Does this stay true even for a significant other?

Meta: I upvoted because this is a legitimate perspective and one I think that needs to be shared. For the down voters, why would you down vote this? Is there a reason besides that you disagree? Down voting something just because you disagree is silly.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#146

Post by TylerE »

IsaacL wrote: post #8

This is a terrible article that rambles on for far too long without offering an actually polite way to tell/request someone to do something. These are the best approaches: 1. "Please take out the trash." 2. "The trash needs to be taken out. Can you do it?" 3. (If there are several people around). "The trash needs to be taken out. Who can do it?" Extra consideration: I'm assuming this refers to a context where there's…

Your #3 is just begging for the bystander effect. Giving vague, non-directed instructions to a crowd virtually guarantees that no one does it.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#147

Post by Amadi23 »

This contribute rests on limited and control & command conceptualization and practice of leadership. You can do that. The question is, when/where/withhwhom is it appropriate and useful.

I argue that a leadership practice that is successful in today's complex environment is

- flexible in style (within the command & control paradigm)

- rooted in the trust & inspire paradig

The latter is kind of orthogonal to what's discussed in the text. I recommend everybody to look into this, particularly those of you who are sitting in a highly complex environment and/or who has/wants to deal with the next generation of (w.e.i.r.d.) talent.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#148

Post by sspiff »

TylerE wrote: post #142
freedomben wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I completely agree. I rejoice in directness. It's a hard time for people like us to be in tech (particularly startups and small companies), because the culture of extreme passive aggressive is widespread and prevalent. Many people, most people, view direct requests as rudeness or condescension, even though the net result is exactly the same. The worst part of it to me though, is that it can be hard sometimes to figur…

The biggest thing I hate is the attitude that work is something you're supposed to be passionate about. I'm passionate about having a roof over my head, not coding CRUD apps.

I still love technology, technical challenges and clever hacking. But 95% of real world work is not that. 95% of work is fairly boring plumbing or translating of requirements into something that will make money for the company.

And that's not some terrible thing. Like you said, a job is something you do for money. If it weren't, it would be a hobby.

Having people be passionate about the work they do is a great way to lower the wages and working conditions. Look at gamedev, or other sectors people are passionate about. Because so many people want to build games, they are considered expendable/replaceable and are treated poorly, both in terms of wages, working hours, and other labour conditions. The same thing applies to FAANG companies to some extent - they just "burn up" young talent by motivating them to spend as much time crunching in the office as possible.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#149

Post by FFP999 »

Glad to see this article. It reminds me of a tech lead I once had: very skilled engineer, great guy (we still hang out now, long after I left that job), but we communicated differently. I come from a background where people think they're being subtle if they don't grab the front of your shirt when they're talking. His background must have been very different: we had a problem on a number of occasions where he would ask me to do something, he would leave the conversation with the idea that I had agreed to do the thing, and I was completely unaware that he had even asked.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#150

Post by lo_zamoyski »

TylerE wrote: post #142
freedomben wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I completely agree. I rejoice in directness. It's a hard time for people like us to be in tech (particularly startups and small companies), because the culture of extreme passive aggressive is widespread and prevalent. Many people, most people, view direct requests as rudeness or condescension, even though the net result is exactly the same. The worst part of it to me though, is that it can be hard sometimes to figur…

The biggest thing I hate is the attitude that work is something you're supposed to be passionate about. I'm passionate about having a roof over my head, not coding CRUD apps.

Legislating another person's emotions is entirely intrusive, invasive, and overbearing, and frankly, psychotic. It would be nice if companies stopped using the word "passionate" in job postings. It's creepy and weird and makes them look like they're not serious about their work.
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