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How to boss without being bossy

jeffwofford.com

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Re: How to boss without being bossy

#131

Post by BryanLegend »

IsaacL wrote: post #8

This is a terrible article that rambles on for far too long without offering an actually polite way to tell/request someone to do something. These are the best approaches: 1. "Please take out the trash." 2. "The trash needs to be taken out. Can you do it?" 3. (If there are several people around). "The trash needs to be taken out. Who can do it?" Extra consideration: I'm assuming this refers to a context where there's…

Even better is just "The trash needs to be taken out." It's better because it respects the person's agency.

Source: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk - https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/14516638...

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#132

Post by yterdy »

somewhereoutth wrote: post #19

Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. But more seriously: Ensure people know what and why something is important, ideally by arriving at that conclusion jointly and as part of an overarching plan that everyone can feel involved in - thus requests shouldn't be a surprise, they aren't coming from you so much as from the plan (nebulous though it may be)…

Having grown up with a father that did the opposite of all of these points, I recognize that this is also good parenting advice.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#133

Post by stephen_g »

arzke wrote: post #105

I am not a native speaker, but I noticed that in Australia people sometimes replied to the question "Do you mind...?" with "Yes", actually meaning "No" (they don't mind). It happened enough times so that I've asked a few people why they were replying "yes" instead of "no", to which they couldn't give me a clear explanation. This really surprised me at first, but then I understood that the words didn't matter as much…

As an Australian I’d find that strange without a following clarification, in which case the clarifying clause is doing the answering and the first bit is just sentiment. There’s also the possibility of using both yes and no, usually rendered as “Yeah nah” or “Nah yeah” - with the first generally being negative and the second being positive.

So some examples, both being “Yes I’ll do it” -

“Do you mind taking out the rubbish” “Nah, that’s fine” (No actually answers the question and then you confirm)

“Do you mind taking out the rubbish?” “Oh yeah, no problem” (Yes just acting as sentiment)

Or

“Do you mind taking out the rubbish?” “Nah yeah, all good”

Or to say you do mind, you might say “Yeah nah, sorry I’m busy”

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#134

Post by freedomben »

sgt wrote: post #123
swayvil wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How about, "Im going to have you...". Do you get that one? I hate that one. What's wrong with a nice, "Please foo?"

How about: "I'm gonna need you to..." or "I'm gonna ask you to go ahead and..." Especially for filling out time sheets or heck, TPS reports. This goes really well.

This is what popped into my mind instantly when reading the parent comment as well!

For anyone who has not seen the movie Office Space, you need to see it. While you are at it, also watch the series Silicon Valley.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#135

Post by gardenhedge »

axlee wrote: post #6
gardenhedge wrote: post #3

I like this approach - with the extra clarity added "The trash needs to be taken out because . Can you look after that ?" Clarity: 5/5 Harshness: 1/5

"Why should I be the one to take out the trash?"

Let's assume the context is a boss asking the employee to do something that is part of the job.

At that point, it's fine to discuss if the workload can be shared among the team, if appropriate.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#136

Post by freedomben »

sspiff wrote: post #96
somewhereoutth wrote: post #19

Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. But more seriously: Ensure people know what and why something is important, ideally by arriving at that conclusion jointly and as part of an overarching plan that everyone can feel involved in - thus requests shouldn't be a surprise, they aren't coming from you so much as from the plan (nebulous though it may be)…

In my personal experience, I prefer people saying "I need you to" over "If you could just". The "nice" corner of the chart simply screams hypocrisy to me. Like they want to say or mean "do this" but they try to couch it in some passive aggressive pleasantry. No thank you. I prefer clear communication.

I completely agree. I rejoice in directness.

It's a hard time for people like us to be in tech (particularly startups and small companies), because the culture of extreme passive aggressive is widespread and prevalent. Many people, most people, view direct requests as rudeness or condescension, even though the net result is exactly the same.

The worst part of it to me though, is that it can be hard sometimes to figure out what the person means. If they could just say what they mean, it would be so much easier. But no, instead we have to imply and hint our way to what we want lest we be taken as rude, and this requires the receiver to exercise some part of mind reading. Most of the time it actually works fine, but there are sometimes important and consequential moments when it doesn't work fine and there is miscommunication, sometimes with disastrous results. And completely unnecessary, if the person could have just said what they meant instead of trying to hint it. It doesn't need to be this way people.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#137

Post by gardenhedge »

rightbyte wrote: post #7
gardenhedge wrote: post #3

I like this approach - with the extra clarity added "The trash needs to be taken out because . Can you look after that ?" Clarity: 5/5 Harshness: 1/5

"Can you clear out three points of trash mountain til next Friday? Five points? No, it is three." These analogies fail in that the scope of taking out the trash is way too clear.

You're using points here as an estimate of the workload. The points in my comment are following the same point system as in the article.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#138

Post by freedomben »

freedomben wrote: post #136
sspiff wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my personal experience, I prefer people saying "I need you to" over "If you could just". The "nice" corner of the chart simply screams hypocrisy to me. Like they want to say or mean "do this" but they try to couch it in some passive aggressive pleasantry. No thank you. I prefer clear communication.

I completely agree. I rejoice in directness. It's a hard time for people like us to be in tech (particularly startups and small companies), because the culture of extreme passive aggressive is widespread and prevalent. Many people, most people, view direct requests as rudeness or condescension, even though the net result is exactly the same. The worst part of it to me though, is that it can be hard sometimes to figur…

Something I have noticed, is that the degree to which this is true is somewhat regional. If you are on the West Coast, the bar is much higher. If you are on the east coast, things are more sane, but trending in the wrong direction.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#139

Post by gardenhedge »

solatic wrote: post #51

If you're looking for the right turn of phrase, you already lost. As a leader, you need to establish a rapport (with someone who is anyway initially inclined to desire rapport with you, because you're their boss and have outsize influence over future compensation) and negotiate over high-level context: IC availability and understanding what problems need solving. If everyone understands the problem and there's mutual…

> If you're looking for the right turn of phrase, you already lost. As a leader..

If you're not considering your language and phrasing as a leader.. then you're not doing it right. Self reflection and adjustment is a huge part of leading.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#140

Post by wavemode »

romanhn wrote: post #17
IsaacL wrote: post #8

This is a terrible article that rambles on for far too long without offering an actually polite way to tell/request someone to do something. These are the best approaches: 1. "Please take out the trash." 2. "The trash needs to be taken out. Can you do it?" 3. (If there are several people around). "The trash needs to be taken out. Who can do it?" Extra consideration: I'm assuming this refers to a context where there's…

#3 is actually unlikely to be effective due to the well-studied bystander effect (everyone stands around hoping someone else will help). Asking a concrete person is much more likely to get it done.

Just want to point that the bystander effect (like many classic theories in psychology, it seems) could not be replicated in a real-world study: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect#Counter_examp...

In real life, many people really do jump in to help when they know help is needed.

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