How to boss without being bossy • Hacker News Board

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#121

Post by roenxi » Sat, Nov 11, 2023, 1:07 PM UTC

romafirst3 wrote: post #70

Paul-Craft wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absolutely. Words matter. However, one thing I have found is that when you go around telling people to do things, they frequently tend to do them. Sometimes, that's fine. After all, I would assume no rational human is going to "command" someone to do a thing if they don't think they want that thing done. Personally, I've found that pointing people in a general direction ends up yielding far superior results. Empower…

It depends on the team and the stakes. Sometimes your team will surprise you but often they’ll horribly disappoint you. If the stakes are low, sure do whatever, but if shit matters …

An advanced trick (not sure why, it seems easy enough) is to point someone in the general direction, wait a day, then sit down with them for 60 minutes and ask/talk to them about what they're planning on doing. Then you get the creativity without the surprise. Maybe even check in on them a few times as work goes on.

The bad engineering managers I've seen seem to suffer from anthropophobia when they aren't giving orders in a meeting room.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#122

Post by swayvil » Sat, Nov 11, 2023, 1:11 PM UTC

sspiff wrote: post #96

somewhereoutth wrote: post #19

Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. But more seriously: Ensure people know what and why something is important, ideally by arriving at that conclusion jointly and as part of an overarching plan that everyone can feel involved in - thus requests shouldn't be a surprise, they aren't coming from you so much as from the plan (nebulous though it may be)…

In my personal experience, I prefer people saying "I need you to" over "If you could just". The "nice" corner of the chart simply screams hypocrisy to me. Like they want to say or mean "do this" but they try to couch it in some passive aggressive pleasantry. No thank you. I prefer clear communication.

How about, "Im going to have you...". Do you get that one? I hate that one.

What's wrong with a nice, "Please foo?"

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#123

Post by sgt » Sat, Nov 11, 2023, 1:21 PM UTC

swayvil wrote: post #122

sspiff wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my personal experience, I prefer people saying "I need you to" over "If you could just". The "nice" corner of the chart simply screams hypocrisy to me. Like they want to say or mean "do this" but they try to couch it in some passive aggressive pleasantry. No thank you. I prefer clear communication.

How about, "Im going to have you...". Do you get that one? I hate that one. What's wrong with a nice, "Please foo?"

How about: "I'm gonna need you to..." or "I'm gonna ask you to go ahead and..."

Especially for filling out time sheets or heck, TPS reports. This goes really well.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#124

Post by PunchTornado » Sat, Nov 11, 2023, 1:21 PM UTC

solatic wrote: post #51

If you're looking for the right turn of phrase, you already lost. As a leader, you need to establish a rapport (with someone who is anyway initially inclined to desire rapport with you, because you're their boss and have outsize influence over future compensation) and negotiate over high-level context: IC availability and understanding what problems need solving. If everyone understands the problem and there's mutual…

I disagree. No matter how much trust there is I accept nobody to tell me "I need you to do ..." or some other direct variant. Fortunately I encountered few bad bosses like this.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#125

Post by pmorici » Sat, Nov 11, 2023, 1:26 PM UTC

somewhereoutth wrote: post #19

Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. But more seriously: Ensure people know what and why something is important, ideally by arriving at that conclusion jointly and as part of an overarching plan that everyone can feel involved in - thus requests shouldn't be a surprise, they aren't coming from you so much as from the plan (nebulous though it may be)…

"find the flaws in the system instead of somebody to blame"

An issue can run the gambit from "it's the system" to person X is not doing their job inline with the basic expectations. Subpar managers will always try and blame the system over individual accountability even when the problem is blatantly obvious because if the person is the problem then that necessitates an uncomfortable social interaction. Best to understand the facts of a given problem and not jump to any conclusions about it must be the "system". There has to be some individual responsibility in the work place.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#126

Post by richk449 » Sat, Nov 11, 2023, 1:27 PM UTC

Aurornis wrote: post #29

woooooo wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Best" has to be subjective here? My personal favorite, combo of 2 listed, would he "I need X to happen"

> My personal favorite, combo of 2 listed, would he "I need X to happen" I had a boss who spoke like this: He was too afraid to communicate directly, so everything was implied. Instead of saying "I'm assigning X task to you" we'd have to play a game where he'd say "X is really important and it needs to be done". Then you had to ask 20 questions to extract the actual ask from him: "Okay great, should I do it" "If you…

Devils advocate: maybe your boss wanted the team to function autonomously, and was avoiding making decisions that could be made at your level?

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#127

Post by willis936 » Sat, Nov 11, 2023, 1:35 PM UTC

arzke wrote: post #105

I am not a native speaker, but I noticed that in Australia people sometimes replied to the question "Do you mind...?" with "Yes", actually meaning "No" (they don't mind). It happened enough times so that I've asked a few people why they were replying "yes" instead of "no", to which they couldn't give me a clear explanation. This really surprised me at first, but then I understood that the words didn't matter as much…

As a US native I've made a habit of not using one word responses to questions that have ambiguous binary responses. "Not at all." "I don't mind." "I do mind."

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#128

Post by Jeff_Brown » Sat, Nov 11, 2023, 1:42 PM UTC

JohnMakin wrote: post #83

r7r8f73j wrote: post #67

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It might be a stylistic choice, and an Office Space meme, but I tend to prefer issuing certain kinds of instruction in a vulnerable way. So for example "Hey X, I need you to take out the trash." But tone is a little important since if you sound insincere it comes across as condescending.

Some people absolutely cannot be managed that way or don’t hear “I need X” as a request to do X.

How about "I need X and the only person who can do it is you"?

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#129

Post by majkinetor » Sat, Nov 11, 2023, 1:42 PM UTC

IsaacL wrote: post #8

This is a terrible article that rambles on for far too long without offering an actually polite way to tell/request someone to do something. These are the best approaches: 1. "Please take out the trash." 2. "The trash needs to be taken out. Can you do it?" 3. (If there are several people around). "The trash needs to be taken out. Who can do it?" Extra consideration: I'm assuming this refers to a context where there's…

"Please" often repeated, is just noise. If you can't take it without it, you are not an adult and I don't want you in my team.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#130

Post by anymouse123456 » Sat, Nov 11, 2023, 1:43 PM UTC

NiloCK wrote: post #103

somewhereoutth wrote: post #19

Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. But more seriously: Ensure people know what and why something is important, ideally by arriving at that conclusion jointly and as part of an overarching plan that everyone can feel involved in - thus requests shouldn't be a surprise, they aren't coming from you so much as from the plan (nebulous though it may be)…

> Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. Can you say more about this? I use this phrase (or slight variations) all the time in both work and personal contexts. I had no idea it could be abrasive.

Yeah, I also stiffen under, "I want you to..."

In those cases I strongly prefer to use and hear, "Will you please..."

There's something in it that feels like I don't exist. It's just an announcement of what the King or Queen wants. I'm not worthy of consideration in the request.