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How to boss without being bossy

jeffwofford.com

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Re: How to boss without being bossy

#101

Post by strken »

solatic wrote: post #51

If you're looking for the right turn of phrase, you already lost. As a leader, you need to establish a rapport (with someone who is anyway initially inclined to desire rapport with you, because you're their boss and have outsize influence over future compensation) and negotiate over high-level context: IC availability and understanding what problems need solving. If everyone understands the problem and there's mutual…

"We need the trash taken out. Bob, are you going to be in the office Friday and can you do it?" is arguably better. I can't think of a situation in software development where you need someone to just go do something with zero discussion because seconds matter, other than maybe on-call.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#102

Post by spinningslate »

sspiff wrote: post #96
somewhereoutth wrote: post #19

Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. But more seriously: Ensure people know what and why something is important, ideally by arriving at that conclusion jointly and as part of an overarching plan that everyone can feel involved in - thus requests shouldn't be a surprise, they aren't coming from you so much as from the plan (nebulous though it may be)…

In my personal experience, I prefer people saying "I need you to" over "If you could just". The "nice" corner of the chart simply screams hypocrisy to me. Like they want to say or mean "do this" but they try to couch it in some passive aggressive pleasantry. No thank you. I prefer clear communication.

great example that shows judgement, empathy and trust matter. Some people _want_ direct communication: they find fluff annoying, and don't take any insult or discomfort from it. Others find instruction challenging/insulting/intimidating and need softer interaction. A good leader can adjust their style to ensure the communication lands appropriately. Good leadership is largely about emotional intelligence.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#103

Post by NiloCK »

somewhereoutth wrote: post #19

Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. But more seriously: Ensure people know what and why something is important, ideally by arriving at that conclusion jointly and as part of an overarching plan that everyone can feel involved in - thus requests shouldn't be a surprise, they aren't coming from you so much as from the plan (nebulous though it may be)…

> Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself.

Can you say more about this? I use this phrase (or slight variations) all the time in both work and personal contexts. I had no idea it could be abrasive.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#105

Post by arzke »

I am not a native speaker, but I noticed that in Australia people sometimes replied to the question "Do you mind...?" with "Yes", actually meaning "No" (they don't mind).

It happened enough times so that I've asked a few people why they were replying "yes" instead of "no", to which they couldn't give me a clear explanation. This really surprised me at first, but then I understood that the words didn't matter as much as the tone of voice.

Is that something common in Australia? Or in any other country? Or was that only a non-representative sample that happened to make the same mistake?

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#106

Post by datadeft »

arzke wrote: post #105

I am not a native speaker, but I noticed that in Australia people sometimes replied to the question "Do you mind...?" with "Yes", actually meaning "No" (they don't mind). It happened enough times so that I've asked a few people why they were replying "yes" instead of "no", to which they couldn't give me a clear explanation. This really surprised me at first, but then I understood that the words didn't matter as much…

This is common practice in the US as well.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#107

Post by sublinear »

I have a rule of thumb for determining how difficult it is to be the boss somewhere.

Maybe this is obvious, but I've learned it the hard way.

Look at the experience of your team and the complexity of the projects. High complexity and low experience cannot be solved with "soft skills" no matter how much the business insists that it can. In that situation you're not a bad boss, just at the wrong place. Don't let incompetent upper management bully you. That's how they've kept their jobs this whole time after all.

Nobody would ever think to be "bossy" in the first place if there weren't some underlying complexity being misunderstood and/or ignored. It's not just a matter of investigating this complexity and telling people what to do in a nice way, nor is it a matter of doing it yourself or finding extra resources to pitch in. Often it's just completely fucked and they want you to sit on the grenade.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#108

Post by bpicolo »

raldi wrote: post #91
rocqua wrote: post #57

I find 'take out the trash' so much less hsrsher than 'you will take out the trash'. The first statement permits the response 'no'. It is clearly an order, with room for agency on the other side. The second statement doesn't permit a response. To disagree you have to say 'you are wrong'. The statement leaves no room for free will. It assumes the authority of the command to be overwhelming. Or perhaps it is a threat.…

“You will speak when you are spoken to” -> Very aggressive “You will be joining the oncall rotation” -> Quite friendly

“You will be taking on project ” seems fairly non-abrasive

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#109

Post by mathgeek »

NiloCK wrote: post #103
somewhereoutth wrote: post #19

Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. But more seriously: Ensure people know what and why something is important, ideally by arriving at that conclusion jointly and as part of an overarching plan that everyone can feel involved in - thus requests shouldn't be a surprise, they aren't coming from you so much as from the plan (nebulous though it may be)…

> Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. Can you say more about this? I use this phrase (or slight variations) all the time in both work and personal contexts. I had no idea it could be abrasive.

Not the GP, but I read it as they prefer to be told the reason in addition to the request.

Re: How to boss without being bossy

#110

Post by somewhereoutth »

NiloCK wrote: post #103
somewhereoutth wrote: post #19

Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. But more seriously: Ensure people know what and why something is important, ideally by arriving at that conclusion jointly and as part of an overarching plan that everyone can feel involved in - thus requests shouldn't be a surprise, they aren't coming from you so much as from the plan (nebulous though it may be)…

> Anybody who says 'I need you to...' goes on the list, even if they are not actually talking to me myself. Can you say more about this? I use this phrase (or slight variations) all the time in both work and personal contexts. I had no idea it could be abrasive.

It implies that the recipient should be pandering to your 'needs'.

Better to say that it is the thing that has 'needs' - e.g. 'the rubbish needs to be taken out [before the dustbin people get here]'

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