Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Stop making every conversation about yourself

thoguhts.substack.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

61–70 of 160 posts

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#61

Post by fnordpiglet »

rockbruno wrote: post #22

There is a balance to this. If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself, you fail to build connections with them (because they know nothing about you). I had the opposite problem, I made every conversation about them and had to learn to change that in order to be able to make friends.

I’ve found that people generally really enjoy talking about themselves but only if you’re truly interested and are drawing connections between yourself and them and their experiences and interests. If you’re merely pumping them for information or listening to their stories about themselves it’s not a connection building experience, it’s just setting them up to self reflect verbally to you.

The key for me is people like to engage in a conversation about themselves, and that requires you to:

* deeply interact with them about what they care about, challenging them m and giving them a chance to defend themselves and their beliefs in a way that is respectful and demonstrates true interest

* weave yourself into the conversation bringing your experiences and thoughts into their conversation about themselves

* try to learn something new from them, and be sure you articulate what you’ve learned clearly

* bring new information to them about the things they care about and get their views on that information

Etc

It’s basically the same as any conversation that’s not a monologue, even a solicited one. They want to feel important and interesting to you, and learn about you at the same time. But in the end you can’t assume they’ll be interested in you at first, so it’s often useful to lead the way by being interested in them. If you are a person who likes to learn, this shouldn’t be hard. Just try to avoid sinking into social anxiety as best you can as that’s when things become forced and weird.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#62

Post by dragonwriter »

austin-cheney wrote: post #39

The described behaviors could be narcissism but are likely innocent ADHD. I have noticed that unmedicated highly ADHD persons will inject themselves into conversations they were never party to of close physical proximity and then redirect the conversation to their personal experiences. To the uninformed these behaviors look like narcissistic personality disorders, but they are not. They are instead multiple hyper-sti…

Also, related, is autism info dumping. (And, similarly, lots of people undiagnosed.)

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#63

Post by blopker »

I've been running support groups for the last two years. While there are a few people who try to take all the space, most people enjoy the explicit permission (consent?) to talk about themselves. When they do, it's wonderful. We need more of it. However, I think the main point of the article isn't about talking less, it's about listening more. Specifically I found people get way more out of it when they aren't just waiting for their turn to speak, but really engaging with other people's stories. Then when it's their turn they haven't been thinking about what to say so what they do say often comes as a surprise to them. That's where the real catharsis happens.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#64

Post by taopai »

plufz wrote: post #35
rockbruno wrote: post #22

There is a balance to this. If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself, you fail to build connections with them (because they know nothing about you). I had the opposite problem, I made every conversation about them and had to learn to change that in order to be able to make friends.

I still have this problem, I have friends but when we talk I often drift to make conversations about them. I think it is a difficult habit to get out of, and it feels awkward to say things about myself without getting an explicit question. For a long time I just thought people were rude but nowdays I understand the problem to a big part is with me. I have started to talk more about subjects that interest me since tha…

I had the same problem.

It makes sense tot think about it in terms of space. If you never speak about yourself the other person "is taking up all the space".

Speaking about yourself, or at least choosing topics proactively can improve your interaction with others. People often want to hear about you, but they prefer to hear about positive or interesting things that happen to you or what's on your mind. For example I love telling funny anecdotes, people love it and they have a great time.

The key is to focus on their reaction. If they don't care about your interests or your day you'll know, and don't feel invalidated or get upset. Just change topics and have a good time.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#66

Post by squigz »

toyg wrote: post #38
squigz wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can you elaborate?

Talking about himself while writing a post about not always talking about himself. To be fair, the author acknowledges the paradox mid-post.

Well I'm pretty sure he's not saying to never talk about oneself either

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#68

Post by cauliflower99 »

rockbruno wrote: post #22

There is a balance to this. If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself, you fail to build connections with them (because they know nothing about you). I had the opposite problem, I made every conversation about them and had to learn to change that in order to be able to make friends.

I (currently) have the same problem!

How did you learn to speak more about yourself when (if you're like me), your mind starts to shut down as soon as you start?

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#70

Post by raybb »

Before I became a bit more natural with these things, I would often go to social events with a handful of questions pre-selected to ask people. It helped remove the burden of figuring out what to say in those first moments of silence after the how are you.
Post reply on HN