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Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

theguardian.com

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Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#11

Post by csydas »

RugnirViking wrote: post #7

These seem so incincere, I can't put my finger on why. Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you about things. Thereby establish you are interested in them as a person and are a good listener. And perhaps critically, don't start out with a view to change them - that requires a great deal of trust willingly placed on their behalf which you haven't earned an…

would agree. i don’t have kids myself but often get asked to watch people’s kids for extended times; half the time building trust is just being interested in what they are interested in. not even participating just asking questions and encouraging them to go get excited and share their excitement with you. pay attention, try to learn why they are into something and just share in their excitement.

i won’t try to claim it always works but at least for my experience just being someone who is safe for younger people to share their ideas and thoughts with (starting with the “lighter” thoughts) seems to make the foundation for the kids being more willing to ask the tough questions about life on their own or to listen when you do want to share your own thoughts.

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#12

Post by HL33tibCe7 »

friend_and_foe wrote: post #4
klntsky wrote: post #3

This article reaffirms the "liberal mom" stereorype: a parent who tries to achieve sincerity with their child after it has been lost. Le climate change is surely the issue parenting should be concerned with.

Imagine getting your sincere questions from a Top 10s tabloid post. "Ten signs he's into you".

The Guardian isn't a tabloid (although, granted, this article is the kind of garbage you might expect to find in one)

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#13

Post by scotty79 »

theGeatZhopa wrote: post #6
breput wrote: post #2

I feel like teenage me might have answered most of these, with varying levels of honesty, but is any kid answering "What’s the best way for someone to lose their virginity?"? Yeah, don't ask that one.

I would feel ashamed and emberessed into the ground if that old crunk have asked me that one when I was a teen.

Even the phrasing is cringy. Why not ask how do you imagine best first sex? Of course not out of the blue.

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#14

Post by HL33tibCe7 »

RugnirViking wrote: post #7

These seem so incincere, I can't put my finger on why. Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you about things. Thereby establish you are interested in them as a person and are a good listener. And perhaps critically, don't start out with a view to change them - that requires a great deal of trust willingly placed on their behalf which you haven't earned an…

I think the reason it feels insincere is that most of the questions are not designed to be asked to get the actual opinion of the teenager, they're designed to try and push the asker's opinion onto the teenager. This is quite obviously the case, and any teenager who isn't a simpleton will find the questions incredibly patronising for this reason

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#15

Post by coatmatter »

RugnirViking wrote: post #7

These seem so incincere, I can't put my finger on why. Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you about things. Thereby establish you are interested in them as a person and are a good listener. And perhaps critically, don't start out with a view to change them - that requires a great deal of trust willingly placed on their behalf which you haven't earned an…

Genuine conversations don't come about through being scheduled for a sit-down interview in a meeting room or lounge room - especially not when notes are being taken or they're being recorded, even if there are drinks and snacks present. Active listening is more than just storming in with a question and waiting quietly for a response before launching the next barrage.

Real conversations only happen when there's a mutual understanding of how others tick and when the most appropriate time there is to raise a likely-uncomfortable topic. I'm not going to generalise about women, but I can say that for many men, examples of such situations might include when they're out fishing, cycling, playing golf, or just doing any other hobby that allows one to be "distracted" most times with silence.

Silence is very awkward in sit-down situations where you're "forced" to converse, but not if there's another activity as the main alibi. It's okay to go out fishing and not catch a fish. It's okay to go fishing and not say a word. But it's also okay to start talking freely once both parties are ready for it at a future mystery time and location.

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#17

Post by cedilla »

HL33tibCe7 wrote: post #14
RugnirViking wrote: post #7

These seem so incincere, I can't put my finger on why. Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you about things. Thereby establish you are interested in them as a person and are a good listener. And perhaps critically, don't start out with a view to change them - that requires a great deal of trust willingly placed on their behalf which you haven't earned an…

I think the reason it feels insincere is that most of the questions are not designed to be asked to get the actual opinion of the teenager, they're designed to try and push the asker's opinion onto the teenager. This is quite obviously the case, and any teenager who isn't a simpleton will find the questions incredibly patronising for this reason

What opinion is getting pushed by these extremely open questions?

I can see how many teenagers wouldn't like to openly discuss sex or politics with their parents because they already know what kind of answers their parent want or don't want to hear. But I don't think the article claims that asking a few questions can undo years of bad parenting.

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#18

Post by amenhotep »

cedilla wrote: post #17
HL33tibCe7 wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think the reason it feels insincere is that most of the questions are not designed to be asked to get the actual opinion of the teenager, they're designed to try and push the asker's opinion onto the teenager. This is quite obviously the case, and any teenager who isn't a simpleton will find the questions incredibly patronising for this reason

What opinion is getting pushed by these extremely open questions? I can see how many teenagers wouldn't like to openly discuss sex or politics with their parents because they already know what kind of answers their parent want or don't want to hear. But I don't think the article claims that asking a few questions can undo years of bad parenting.

"Your social media and screen use is a problem and you should let me trick you into accepting some restrictions on it" and "you should already have your entire career planned out by now, why don't you, pick something" seem fairly implicit to me from the first three, though you're right about the others. It does seem like they're all kind of pushing the "you should open up to me" angle, though - I feel like that would've been transparent to me and I wouldn't have appreciated it, trying not to talk about these things wasn't an accident of being stuck "in a shell" it was quite a deliberate choice!

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#19

Post by ruune »

HL33tibCe7 wrote: post #12
friend_and_foe wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Imagine getting your sincere questions from a Top 10s tabloid post. "Ten signs he's into you".

The Guardian isn't a tabloid (although, granted, this article is the kind of garbage you might expect to find in one)

Akshually the Guardian is published in the tabloid format now iirc. But that's not really the meaning of tabloid being talked about I suppose

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#20

Post by JackMorgan »

coatmatter wrote: post #15
RugnirViking wrote: post #7

These seem so incincere, I can't put my finger on why. Just be interested in what they're interested in, same as how to connect with anyone. Let them tell you about things. Thereby establish you are interested in them as a person and are a good listener. And perhaps critically, don't start out with a view to change them - that requires a great deal of trust willingly placed on their behalf which you haven't earned an…

Genuine conversations don't come about through being scheduled for a sit-down interview in a meeting room or lounge room - especially not when notes are being taken or they're being recorded, even if there are drinks and snacks present. Active listening is more than just storming in with a question and waiting quietly for a response before launching the next barrage. Real conversations only happen when there's a mutu…

I don't know anyone who fishes, bikes, or plays golf. I suspect this is the reason many people are critically lonely. There's just no place to be with other people and talk.

Perhaps women are culturally more comfortable going out for coffee or running errands together. For all the men I know that would be super weird.

Shame. We need to find new ways to just be together.

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