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‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

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Re: ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

#51

Post by doublerabbit »

atoav wrote: post #42
hypeit wrote: post #4

> We can see this shift everywhere. The characters of the biggest shows of the '90s — "Friends," "Seinfeld," "Cheers" — spent the overwhelming majority of their time hanging out at the café, diner, and bar, and work was either an afterthought or a running joke. These were television shows, not reality. Even in the 80s and 90s you couldn't spend all of your time in a Manhattan coffee shop or a bar (unless you were a d…

I agree that fiction — especially sitcoms — should not be taken as a model of reality. I studied film and media science, but one doesn't need academic rigour to come to that conclusion. However I would still say the best way to avoid making friends is to avoid being in places where strangers hang out. Places where you come into low pressure contact with strangers are places where you get to know people — and where yo…

Add in regularity. Friendship doesn't happen overnight.

I've just started taking up sword fencing again at a local club. It takes time for people to build up a rapport of yourself.

If I look decent, and turn up each week that's the image I paint. They have no other image of knowing me outside the club so that's the image they'll judge you on.

Also, subconsciously shoes are always the first thing a person will home-in on when they encounter you for the first time.

Re: ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

#52

Post by doublerabbit »

440hz wrote: post #39

I go to the gym every day and what I can say is that if it used to be a third place, now it has become more of a non-place[0]. Nobody talks to anyone anymore. People don't look at what's around them and are glued to their smartphones all the time while they rest. If you approach someone to ask something, and if they are also wearing headphones, make sure you repeat what you want to say, because inexplicably these che…

The gym has never been a social place. Everyone is there for a reason, normally to get fit.

We however do live in a very fearing world. With the stories that are spewed out daily, there is always a worry of "Is this person I'm going to meet going to X".

So it's safer to judge based on online social imagery, where the true creep holds.

Meetup / group sites while have an advantage point in meeting the tech they introduce are flawed. They are difficult to navigate, and again it falls symptom to the likes where AirBnB where anything worthwhile is normally berried at the bottom and you need to sieve through to reach the others.

Re: ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

#53

Post by OkayPhysicist »

440hz wrote: post #46
legerdemain wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In threads like this, people often bring up gyms as social spaces. Hell. No. I've been using a gym for most of my adult life. Gyms are anti-social spaces. Big box gyms, sports clubs, the gym at the Y, campus gyms, the gyms that most people go to. Maybe boutique gyms and gyms where you always work with a personal trainer are different. Every gym I've been to: hell, no.

I have the same opinion. As I said in a comment I made in this thread before, gyms are non-places today. Maybe a CrossFit gym can be a social space because there are workouts that require a partner. It's not enough to go somewhere regularly, you need to be forced to interact with people.

There's a pretty wide range of gyms. My old gym seems to be more like what you two are talking about, with just a weight room, an aerobics room with treadmills and stairmasters and such, and a locker room with a couple showers.

I'm talking about a full-on gym, with all that, various sport courts (racquetball, squash, etc), a locker room with a sauna, steam room, hot tub, etc., and social spaces with a cafe and seating.

The former expects you to show up, work out, and get out. The latter is a lot more conducive to loitering.

Re: ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

#54

Post by arrowsmith »

OkayPhysicist wrote: post #45
legerdemain wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In threads like this, people often bring up gyms as social spaces. Hell. No. I've been using a gym for most of my adult life. Gyms are anti-social spaces. Big box gyms, sports clubs, the gym at the Y, campus gyms, the gyms that most people go to. Maybe boutique gyms and gyms where you always work with a personal trainer are different. Every gym I've been to: hell, no.

I don't mean while working out. I mean before, in locker rooms, and after in the sauna or lounge. Those are both spaces where there's an expectation of some level of small talk.

Not in any gym I've ever worked out in. Who strikes up a conversation with strangers in a gym locker room? That's not a place where I go for smalltalk; it would be like talking to the other men at the urinals while we're pissing.

The best way to meet new people and make new friends, in my experience, isn't to simply be somewhere at a regular time - it's to do something which naturally involves interacting with the other participants. In other words, get a hobby.

To give an example: in the last few years I've met and befriended a lot of new people in my area through training in BJJ.

Re: ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

#55

Post by kalupa »

doublerabbit wrote: post #51
atoav wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree that fiction — especially sitcoms — should not be taken as a model of reality. I studied film and media science, but one doesn't need academic rigour to come to that conclusion. However I would still say the best way to avoid making friends is to avoid being in places where strangers hang out. Places where you come into low pressure contact with strangers are places where you get to know people — and where yo…

Add in regularity. Friendship doesn't happen overnight. I've just started taking up sword fencing again at a local club. It takes time for people to build up a rapport of yourself. If I look decent, and turn up each week that's the image I paint. They have no other image of knowing me outside the club so that's the image they'll judge you on. Also, subconsciously shoes are always the first thing a person will home-in…

sorry, I got totally distracted and remembered a strange scene/gag from The IT Crowd ... "The Shoes!" but also this whole comment is probably way more telling of the fact that folks are expecting friendship to just happen when it really does require conscious, specific effort a lot of the time. We just didn't realize it was so direct when we were all in elementary/highschool/college/firstjob because it was second nature

Re: ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

#56

Post by [deleted] »

houseatrielah wrote: post #44
hypeit wrote: post #4

> We can see this shift everywhere. The characters of the biggest shows of the '90s — "Friends," "Seinfeld," "Cheers" — spent the overwhelming majority of their time hanging out at the café, diner, and bar, and work was either an afterthought or a running joke. These were television shows, not reality. Even in the 80s and 90s you couldn't spend all of your time in a Manhattan coffee shop or a bar (unless you were a d…

There were way more places to hangout in the 1990s. Gentrification wasn't full tilt so rents were subdued. Record stores, book stores, video stores, arcades, coffeeshops where socializing not work was the norm. Movie theater going was different -- no phones. Teenagers weren't chased out of the malls.

[deleted]

Re: ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

#57

Post by zoklet-enjoyer »

doublerabbit wrote: post #51
atoav wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree that fiction — especially sitcoms — should not be taken as a model of reality. I studied film and media science, but one doesn't need academic rigour to come to that conclusion. However I would still say the best way to avoid making friends is to avoid being in places where strangers hang out. Places where you come into low pressure contact with strangers are places where you get to know people — and where yo…

Add in regularity. Friendship doesn't happen overnight. I've just started taking up sword fencing again at a local club. It takes time for people to build up a rapport of yourself. If I look decent, and turn up each week that's the image I paint. They have no other image of knowing me outside the club so that's the image they'll judge you on. Also, subconsciously shoes are always the first thing a person will home-in…

I don't look at people's shoes. Why should I care what they wear on their feet? I wear shoes to the point where they're falling apart. If people judge me on that, then I want nothing to do with them.

Re: ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

#58

Post by datavirtue »

arrowsmith wrote: post #54
OkayPhysicist wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't mean while working out. I mean before, in locker rooms, and after in the sauna or lounge. Those are both spaces where there's an expectation of some level of small talk.

Not in any gym I've ever worked out in. Who strikes up a conversation with strangers in a gym locker room? That's not a place where I go for smalltalk; it would be like talking to the other men at the urinals while we're pissing. The best way to meet new people and make new friends, in my experience, isn't to simply be somewhere at a regular time - it's to do something which naturally involves interacting with the ot…

"it would be like talking to the other men at the urinals while we're pissing"

Doesn't everyone do that?

Re: ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

#59

Post by datavirtue »

440hz wrote: post #39

I go to the gym every day and what I can say is that if it used to be a third place, now it has become more of a non-place[0]. Nobody talks to anyone anymore. People don't look at what's around them and are glued to their smartphones all the time while they rest. If you approach someone to ask something, and if they are also wearing headphones, make sure you repeat what you want to say, because inexplicably these che…

The repeal of the fairness doctrine was the final nuke. Boy has that come home to roost.

Re: ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ knew the cure for loneliness

#60

Post by tptacek »

ryanklee wrote: post #48
Klonoar wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, no they don’t. That commenter explicitly called out museums etc. You are not going to find that level of museum in a mid sized town.

That's so misleading. The number of mid-tier cities in the US with worthwhile museums and varied cultural access is in the many dozens. Totally skewed to think that NYC/L.A./Chicago are the only places you can raise kids in a bustling urban community. Anything Cincinnati-sized or bigger will do.

The Cincinnati MSA has over 2 million people in it. It's not a mid-sized city.
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