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‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

theguardian.com

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Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#81

Post by _V_ »

ssanders82 wrote: post #74
10g1k wrote: post #27

Evolution. It's programmed into you, the drive to reproduce. And that's a good thing. You won't understand how important and amazing it is until you have your own kid. NOTHING is more important.

Nah, I've seen the lives of my friends who have kids. I'm happy for them, but my wife and I don't want that life. Sounds like having kids was the right choice for you, that's great, but don't preach at us. We looked at the choices, and made ours. Don't tell me it was the wrong choice, without knowing literally anything about me or my wife. That's pretty patronizing.

If you believe that your choice is right, why are you so sensitive about it? I'm asking as a person who does not (yet) have kids myself.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#83

Post by WarOnPrivacy »

bell-cot wrote: post #6

Geezer* Perspective... [*If not in the USA, read "Old geezer". Credit: Aachen] Many varieties of "I really regret that I [did|didn't] do X when I was younger" occur in older humans. The stereotype of young men wanting to avoid all the work and commitment of setting down, marrying, and raising children is older than the pyramids. It is obviously not true of all young men, but there's very seldom been a shortage. Sure,…

> a young man whose main motive for marriage is "so I don't regret not having kids when I'm old"

I was having dinner with my wife's parents, along with some folks from our common church. A congregant asked how I came to join up. I nodded to my in-laws and said 'I knocked up their daughter'.*

Which is how a lot of young men got into the parenting racket (and church).

* to which my kids said 'Wow dad. Thanks.'

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#84

Post by alphabettsy »

barrysteve wrote: post #70

And all the warning they get is a random guardian article in the slew of media rain. This society is completely broken. My craving to return to the 1980s and 1990s is just getting worse and worse. We replaced so many functioning structures with an ocean of mirages. I legitmately have not seen an adult man who looks and acts like an authority figure should, in about fifteen years. I literally cannot take 90% of 'autho…

> Society used to be predictable and rational

No. It really wasn’t. Read some history books.

There was nothing uniquely great about the 80s-90s.

Impending global lockdown? You might be well served from a lot less time online and more time with your fellow humans or nature.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#85

Post by [deleted] »

jokoon wrote: post #44

I'm 38, and I'm socially unable to meet women outside of online dating, I've had enough girlfriend and a long, 8 years relationship (she did not want kids). I don't really understand that social norm of having kids. I can understand sexual desire, but is there really a "desire to have kids"? Is having kids really some kind of moral imperative to "continue the human species"? Anyway, women have high standards, which i…

[deleted]

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#86

Post by fullstop »

MaKey wrote: post #58
bsagdiyev wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not sure by bt4u's comment is dead, but I've had that exact situation happen to me. Been accused of trying to steal a child while taking my son to the playground. It is an actual thing and it sucks.

Is this an American thing? I can't imagine that happening in Europe, but maybe I'm just a bit naive.

It might be. I would get strange looks when I took my kids to the playground without my wife. They look like me, too.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#87

Post by Scubabear68 »

I’m can say that, for our family at least, adoption was an alternate route. There are many, many children here in the US who’s parents have died or who whose parents have had their parental rights terminated for cause. 8 years ago we adopted a 3 year old and a 7 year old, and the lack of biological link barely matters (it only comes up due to racial differences).

If you are a basically decent human and can support yourself and a child, give a look at adoption rather than having this regret for your lifetime.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#88

Post by wkat4242 »

I'm surprised there's so many men that genuinely want kids. I've never had that desire, I know it's more commonplace in women. Most of my friends who have them were basically doing it for the wife even though they loved their kids when they appeared on the scene. But it was not something they would have chosen.

But anyway good for them. I'm glad I never had any and I have no regrets.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#89

Post by fullstop »

theGeatZhopa wrote: post #3

I can't have kids. So am I big sad. Congratulations to all fathers out there. Want to adopt some poor kid and give him/her a possibility to have a kind of a standard life and to help to open a door to the world :( But a single man adopting is considered as pervert. So I am even bigger sad.

Does fostering have less of a barrier of entry? You may also be able to participate in a mentoring program like Big Brothers Big Sisters.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#90

Post by lisardo »

rambambram wrote: post #56
delineator wrote: post #31

Don't just assume... 1. Create bumble account 2. Filter for Age: > 35, Kids: "Want someday" 3. Swipe right

> Filter for Age: > 35, Kids: "Want someday" And... you're in bed with a borderliner or covert narcissist before you know it. Maybe this important step is missing: vetting the prospective mother of your children for some time?

I learned this lesson the hard way.
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