441–450 of 493 posts
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Get this: in Japanese culture, you are expected to refuse three times .
I've not been to Japan, but heard what seems to be an exception to this rule from a colleague. When out having drinks, it is considered (1) rude to let your friend's drink go empty, and (2) rude to refuse your friends offer for a drink. Is this accurate? If so... one can imagine how this can get pretty messy!
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I feel somewhat conflicted about this. I'm from Finland, and while we aren't technically Scandinavian and might be something of an outlier among Northern Europeans in general, the stereotype is that we're not fond of small talk and prefer to be to the point and perhaps even blunt. But in terms of asking for things, I don't feel like I identify with the culture of directly asking. Feeling out or giving hints that I mi…
Definitely true, and this also applies to getting things without asking. As a somewhat tongue in cheek example -- if you have guests over you should offer coffee three times. They may refuse the first two and accept the third time. But if you do not offer thrice, they'll go home and complain that you were too stingy to even provide coffee. You should read the manner of refusal in these kinds of cases, and offer more…
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I'm from a western state and my family is pretty white. I've never heard this. You definitely don't glob onto any/all favors and you shouldn't accept something you wouldn't be willing to reciprocate in the same position, else you're bound to be seen as social baggage eventually. But if you need something and someone offers: sure, take it. There's no social dance to it. Just don't be a leech, but accept help when it's…
> There's no social dance to it. There is. What constitutes a leech varies from person to person, from culture to culture. Accepting help could easily lead to resentment, it's entirely possible they were offering help to seem generous while simultaneously expecting to be refused. Offering help at all could be offensive because you're in a position of strength while they're in a position of weakness, it implies they n…
they were offering help to seem generous
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In Iran when you ask a store owner the price of something, the answer is "It's free." Then you have to refuse a few times if it's free and then you can get the price. (Not my personal experience. But I heard the same thing from a few people.)
This is called Taarof and can be at times quite extreme: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taarof . I have a good friend whose parents are from Persia/Iran. He told me about this culture after we knew each other for quite some time. Even though he has never lived there, he often still has a hard time not to do this, which has resulted in some funny (at least for his friends) or uncomfortable situations over time. Knowing…
"It’s rude to put someone in a position where they have to say no to you" I feel this in my bones. When I was a kid my dad went off on me after we visited someone's house and I saw cake on the counter and asked for a slice. That was just unacceptable. (Context: He was raised by people who lived through the depression. Food scarcity was a real thing in living memory.) Even though his reaction was way overboard, I stil…
How does that work in dating? If you are afraid of making people uncomfortable by asking them out, escalating things and putting them in situations where they have to say no to you, you may just end up being single for life.
Something like this: “I was thinking of seeing New Movie” “Oh, I’ve been wanting to see that” “I’m going Friday after work. You could join me if that sounds good.” “I’d like that!”
It’s not hard. You establish if someone is open to a date and it’s okay to ask if you’re getting the encouragement to do so. If you’re not, you drop it and save both parties the awkwardness of saying no.
The formal terms for this difference are high context culture and low context culture. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_c... "Guess" culture would correspond to high context culture. You need to have a lot of shared context -- or be able to read a lot of clues to the context -- to infer what was really meant as a means to be adequately polite. "Ask" culture would correspond to low context cu…
A common example of this is the US servicemen that had come back from tours of Iraq or Afghanistan telling stories of how lovely and "welcoming" the locals were. E.g.: the locals would make a token offer to the soldiers, expecting them to politely refuse. The Americans would take that offer at face value and accept, to the surprise of the locals.
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I expect you incorporate aspects of "guess" culture without even realizing it. For example, Is it okay if I bang your wife/gf? If you think that's a rude question, why? All I'v done is Ask.
I don't think I understand your example, but that may come from having had more than my share of polyamorous friends. By default, I would take your request at face value and have no trouble saying, "No, we're monogamous, but I can't very well blame you for wanting to!"
"It’s rude to put someone in a position where they have to say no to you" I feel this in my bones. When I was a kid my dad went off on me after we visited someone's house and I saw cake on the counter and asked for a slice. That was just unacceptable. (Context: He was raised by people who lived through the depression. Food scarcity was a real thing in living memory.) Even though his reaction was way overboard, I stil…
While I was studying Japanese, I learned that they go out of their way to make it so the other person doesn't have to refuse with a "no". For instance, they'll ask, "Do you not have X?" instead of "Do you have X?" The person can answer "Yes, we don't have it" or "It's over here". I actually made this mistake, asking for a product directly instead of negatively, when I was in Tokyo. The clerk took me to the aisle and…
I think there's a misunderstanding somewhere because in Japan "do you have X" and "do you not have X" would elicit the same response in the negative case (something like "I'm sorry, we're out of stock"). There's no reason for the speaker to say "no" either way.
I have three kids, and my oldest child asks for things constantly. She's gotten a little better, but often requires that I repeat the phrase "don't ask for anything" every 2 to 3 minutes when we are in a situation where asking for things is inappropriate.
My younger kids are a lot more reasonable and don't constantly ask for things, even though my oldest would constantly ask for things when she was their age.
It's clearly a personality thing. (If you have ever read any of the pigeon books by Mo Williams, my child often acts like the pigeon.)
For example, with this one particular child, if I am making dinner and have my hands full, she will keep asking for a snack, even though I will repeat that I am making dinner and there are no snacks until dinner is ready.
So how would you deal with this behavior?