Every culture is both ask and guess. The person categorizing cultures is using their culture and subjectivity to do so.
Ask vs. Guess Culture
371–380 of 493 posts
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#372Earlier quoted context omitted.
I have a friend from the western US who was explicitly taught by her (white) mother that you always refuse a favor the first time it is offered. There were many months of me never doing any favors for her before we figured that one out...
Get this: in Japanese culture, you are expected to refuse three times .
Does that mean any offer of a favor has to be repeated four times, or else is insincere?
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#373Earlier quoted context omitted.
I don't think I understand your example, but that may come from having had more than my share of polyamorous friends. By default, I would take your request at face value and have no trouble saying, "No, we're monogamous, but I can't very well blame you for wanting to!"
very well, but what percentage of the population do you think would consider that rude. Of course, the nut of the question is whether its ever possible to be rude with a question. If it's possible to be rude with a statement, I don't really see the difference between questions and statements, at the higest level, though
Thinking about it, it seems questions generally allow for some flexibility of interpretation reducing potential cause for offense, where statements allow far less latitude. The problem is that some questions require foundational understandings that may be offensive, or can really only be understood with malintent. "When did you stop beating your wife?" comes to mind. The question doesn't even allow for the possibility that you don't beat your wife.
Similarly, "Can I sleep with your wife" implies that the asker thinks it's a possibility worth inquiring about. So I basically agree with you on a practical level -- most people would not respond well to the underlying assumption. The question is a veiled statement ("I think you might be open to letting me sleep with your wife, so here I am asking"). In that sense, the question and the statement aren't very different, as you noted.
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#374Earlier quoted context omitted.
This is fascinating to me, because I'm from the southern US and strongly align to "ask culture" and my wife is from the northwest and strongly aligns to "guess" culture. I wonder how much it's about individual family background and not strongly regional?
I grew up in the South. Daddy was a Hoosier and spent a lot of years in the army and retired in Georgia. Mom is a German immigrant. The upper classes of the Deep South, where people are very religious and often call folks "Mr./Mizz. First Name" as a mark of both respect and familiarity at the same time, seem to skew Guess culture. But then the upper classes generally seem to skew Guess culture. The South is also a pl…
Most of the working class whites I know from the south in the military, or more middle class southerners for that matter seem highly mannered and polite, not really “ask” culture.
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#375Earlier quoted context omitted.
I have a friend from the western US who was explicitly taught by her (white) mother that you always refuse a favor the first time it is offered. There were many months of me never doing any favors for her before we figured that one out...
Get this: in Japanese culture, you are expected to refuse three times .
I've not been to Japan, but heard what seems to be an exception to this rule from a colleague.
When out having drinks, it is considered (1) rude to let your friend's drink go empty, and (2) rude to refuse your friends offer for a drink.
Is this accurate? If so... one can imagine how this can get pretty messy!
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#376Ask and Guess are each presented as extremes, which isn't that helpful. People don't belong 100% to one side or the other.
If someone really behaved according to all the "Ask culture expectations," they would be selfish, and if someone really behaved according to all the "Guess culture expectations," they would be insufferable. Yes, various people are a little more to one side or the other, but most of the time something in between is best, along these lines:
• Yes means yes, no means no (to both the asker and answerer).
• Ask for what you need, but with an awareness of what you're asking the other person to give up.
• Take responsibility for what you say (e.g. don't actively lie about your expectations, don't offer when you aren't ready to follow through).
• Show appreciation.
Being aware of other people's needs matters. Communicating your own needs matters. Both are important skills, and if you completely lack one of them (and blame the other person for it!) you're going to be in for a hard time.
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#377Earlier quoted context omitted.
I have a friend from the western US who was explicitly taught by her (white) mother that you always refuse a favor the first time it is offered. There were many months of me never doing any favors for her before we figured that one out...
I'm from a western state and my family is pretty white. I've never heard this. You definitely don't glob onto any/all favors and you shouldn't accept something you wouldn't be willing to reciprocate in the same position, else you're bound to be seen as social baggage eventually. But if you need something and someone offers: sure, take it. There's no social dance to it. Just don't be a leech, but accept help when it's…
Yeah, this was somewhat peculiar to the individual friend. I was just offering it as an anecdote for those who say things like this are unique to "people from the NE" or "Asians" or "people from the South"
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#378Earlier quoted context omitted.
I grew up in the South. Daddy was a Hoosier and spent a lot of years in the army and retired in Georgia. Mom is a German immigrant. The upper classes of the Deep South, where people are very religious and often call folks "Mr./Mizz. First Name" as a mark of both respect and familiarity at the same time, seem to skew Guess culture. But then the upper classes generally seem to skew Guess culture. The South is also a pl…
Most of the working class whites I know from the south in the military, or more middle class southerners for that matter seem highly mannered and polite, not really “ask” culture.
That doesn't actually contradict anything I said. I'm not suggesting that only upper class Southerners have the famous Southern Manners and Southern Hospitality.
Just that there are variances across the region and those are some influences I know of.
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#379"It’s rude to put someone in a position where they have to say no to you" I feel this in my bones. When I was a kid my dad went off on me after we visited someone's house and I saw cake on the counter and asked for a slice. That was just unacceptable. (Context: He was raised by people who lived through the depression. Food scarcity was a real thing in living memory.) Even though his reaction was way overboard, I stil…
At the end of the day, if you’re firmly on either end of the spectrum it comes down to the same thing: you’re putting all responsibility of the social interaction on the other person. Because your position is fixed and theirs is (possibly) not, you’re making it their fault if the communication style doesn’t work. It leads to much frustration on both sides. In your example, if you have a fixed position of « Let people…
Wonderfully stated.
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#380The "Ask vs Guess" name rhetorically frames it in favor of the Askers. Asking sounds reasonable, guessing does not! But really it's not about "Guessing", it's about understanding. It's about community, and relationship, and trust. What this culture really wants is for you to pay attention and understand the people around you, rather than treating everything as a transaction.
Exactly. "Asking" is about communicating, and "Guessing" is about understanding.
Being aware of other people's needs matters. Expressing your own needs matters. Both are important skills, and if you completely refuse responsibility for one of them you're going to be in for a hard time.