I'm from a guess culture. Then I went to an ask culture area for work (Coastal California). I had an under-powered, slow computer that I had to work on. When my manager found out, he was mad that I never said anything and that I never complained about it. I was shocked that he was mad. In the more rural area I was from, it would have been rude to complain about the tools that the company provided for you. You were told to just "suck it up", be quiet, and quit complaining. Those who complained too much were usually the first to get laid-off.
Ask vs. Guess Culture
201–210 of 493 posts
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#202"It’s rude to put someone in a position where they have to say no to you" I feel this in my bones. When I was a kid my dad went off on me after we visited someone's house and I saw cake on the counter and asked for a slice. That was just unacceptable. (Context: He was raised by people who lived through the depression. Food scarcity was a real thing in living memory.) Even though his reaction was way overboard, I stil…
I suppose different people will have different tastes, but I will never agree that this is rude and that you should not ask. You should not be upset when declined, but that is another matter.
The problem is that people do get upset. Basically, you're forcing someone else to be the asshole by saying no or justify why they don't want to share or do something.
Rudeness is, of course, a subjective thing. Some people think it's rude to wear shoes indoors, some people think it's rude to make specific gestures that are either OK or meaningless to me.
My wife is an asker. It's a definite challenge at times...
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#203Isn't it always better to try to guess how others might feel about your request, and not make it if you think there is a chance it would make people not answer your phone-call the next time?
It feels especially bad when I think somebody may be trying to take advantage of me being a nice person.
Confidence men - isn't that what this is all about? Somebody wanting to gain your confidence (that they will somehow pay yo8u back) so then they can take advantage of you?
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#204> Deciding what to eat for dinner with guess-culture people isn’t as simple as asking people what they want to eat for dinner, because they will not tell you what they actually want to want to eat for dinner. They will say “oh, whatever you want,” or “whatever is easiest.” And when you insist that you really really want to know what they want to eat for dinner, and if it’s too much work, you’ll do something else inst…
> Man, people are so bad at communicating. I don't mean to say anything about you, but, as a saying with a different word in it goes, if you meet one person who's bad at communicating, then they're bad at communicating; but if everyone you meet is bad at communicating …. (I also wish people would communicate more clearly, but I have to admit that what I really want is that people would communicate in the way that's e…
> I don't mean to say anything about you, but, as a saying with a different word in it goes, if you meet one person who's bad at communicating, then they're bad at communicating; but if everyone you meet is bad at communicating ….
Someone told him whenever someone makes a point, he seems to react to a very specific, narrow, and marginal interpretation of that point. And he reacted to a very specific, narrow, and marginal interpretation of that point.
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#205Earlier quoted context omitted.
There may be an obvious language barrier here, but the coupling of a positive with a negative response feels very odd to me in English. I'm reminded of the old song (it was used for an advertising jingle for a product or company I can't remember) "Yes, we have no bananas!" Adjacently, I really dislike the courtroom phrasing "Isn't it true?" that is sometimes depicted in legal dramas.
Indeed. >"Do you not have X?" In my head it sounds belligerent and accusatory. While the other form sounds polite. This negative phrasing to induce a positive response, may be a Japan only thing?
It's interesting, it somehow means you are agreeing with them if they don't have it, so they don't have to feel so bad about not having it.
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#206Earlier quoted context omitted.
If I’ve learned anything in my 20 year mental health journey, it’s that until you’ve addressed your childhood trauma, nothing you do will be a lasting fix for any interpersonal issues you may have.
>addressed your childhood trauma This is pretty frustrating as 90s-kid who had a Good Childhood™ and struggles with interpersonal issues. I have a close friend from childhood who also had quite a Good Childhood™ and he can't shut up about "trauma" and it seems like every two years he has this big epiphany about how he addressed some "trauma" he was previously repressing and how now that he's done so he's All Better N…
One way to view it is dealing with childhood trauma is necessary but not sufficient to fixing interpersonal issues. The problem is there are at least three opportunities for common errors of reasoning.
if you have unresolved childhood trauma (people forget this is conditional) then resolving it is one of (not all) the requirements for fixing chronic interpersonal issues you may have (not everyone does).
If someones make all those mistakes at once, you get they tell you to heal your childhood trauma to fix your relationship disasters and it's like "My childhood was fine. And I had one argument with one person. I'm just gonna go talk to him about it..."
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#207Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#208Earlier quoted context omitted.
That may work relatively well with consumables like food. But it extends in many directions. I have fans and a space heater and extra blankets and etc. All of them are available for a houseguest to use. Many of them are stored in the guest room. I've had "guess culture" people stay over. Really, in my mind they don't even need to ask. They're already welcome to take an extra blanket. But they won't even ask, and they…
Are they supposed to just know the blankets are in your closet?
I think someone could say they are cold and ask for more blankets, and the owner could say they don't have any more blankets
Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture
#209Earlier quoted context omitted.
>addressed your childhood trauma This is pretty frustrating as 90s-kid who had a Good Childhood™ and struggles with interpersonal issues. I have a close friend from childhood who also had quite a Good Childhood™ and he can't shut up about "trauma" and it seems like every two years he has this big epiphany about how he addressed some "trauma" he was previously repressing and how now that he's done so he's All Better N…
In college we hit that age where classmates started losing grandparents. I was one of the oldest grandchildren so I had a few years yet. Some of these people absolutely fell apart. It was the first time they’d ever lost anyone and they couldn’t process it. When gently pressed, we would find out they had no pets growing up. They had not lost so much as a goldfish. A painless life can set you up for failure when real a…
I went to a Waldorf school and now my daughter does.
At around age 10-11 children learn about death and practices around it (Norse, Egyptian, local practices) and what it means. The Waldorf philosophy holds that children start to understand that death is a permanent loss at about that age, and aims to teach them about it.
Having a kid lose a pet at that age is a major thing for them to process.
I love the school, but the disorganised over-parenting libertarian hippies can be overbearing at times.