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Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

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Re: Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

#101

Post by jacquesm »

AlbertCory wrote: post #96
xwdv wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The problem is in the United States, most people don’t really know how they are doing. I don’t know how I’m doing right now. If you asked me you wouldn’t get much of an answer. I might say I’m doing just fine to end the conversation. But what is there to really say? We are simply going about this world trying to survive, trying to not get shot, trying to make so much money so that we never befall the fate of those wh…

> The problem there is no problem. It's a friendly greeting. Sorry your life is such a bummer. Try saying, "Great, and you?" even if you don't mean it at all. You get back what you give out. Edit: you can also say, "Shitty. It sucks to be me." That might even be honest, judging from the responses.

> Try saying, "Great, and you?" even if you don't mean it at all. You get back what you give out.

Yes, that is exactly the problem. It invites fake responses and real responses are not appreciated at all. It's just noise.

Re: Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

#102

Post by datavirtue »

ssully wrote: post #72
bradley13 wrote: post #14

Just to toss this out there: the reverse is also true. We get along well with all of our neighbors except one. We say "hi" and invite each other over regularly. That one bad neighbor is a real problem, and a huge source of stress and unhappiness.

Big time. I have a neighbor about half a block from me that would harass me when I would walk my dogs by his house. Based on his behavior I assume he struggles with some mental issues. The one positive is I avoid his house completely, so now my standard dog walking route is a block longer, so more exercise for me and the dogs.

We have one particular neighbor who would greet everyone and chat with them. He was always out walking his little dog. Very nice. Next thing you know, someone is freaked out, posting a Ring video of him violently knocking on their front door (that was it, nothing else). It was so strange seeing this unfold on camera. Nearly everyone has talked to this guy and thought he was very nice. The people who's door he was banging on didn't know/recognize him. I'm guessing he has some sort of mental health challenges--though he does own and maintain a nice home on our street. Since the incident he has not been out. I saw him in his yard and noticed he looked a bit agitated. Very sad. I think this country is in serious need of a mental health framework that can actually help people. As it stands now, if this behavior escalates at all he will be faced by the police. Zero help.

Re: Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

#103

Post by Mizoguchi »

I guess he lived in a different time when people were kinder, particularly in Pittsburgh. It's hard to greet your neighbors when they rutinely park on sidewalks, take their trash out several days before pick up and don't take care of their lawn. Recently leaving the city for a farm in the country with the next neighbor several hundred feet away seems idyllic.

Re: Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

#104

Post by AlbertCory »

jacquesm wrote: post #101
AlbertCory wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The problem there is no problem. It's a friendly greeting. Sorry your life is such a bummer. Try saying, "Great, and you?" even if you don't mean it at all. You get back what you give out. Edit: you can also say, "Shitty. It sucks to be me." That might even be honest, judging from the responses.

> Try saying, "Great, and you?" even if you don't mean it at all. You get back what you give out. Yes, that is exactly the problem. It invites fake responses and real responses are not appreciated at all. It's just noise.

as I said: there is no problem. You prefer to live in a private hell, and there are lots of ways to signal that non-verbally.

Re: Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

#105

Post by chmod600 »

jacquesm wrote: post #54
smohnot wrote: post #35

Mr. Rogers was my actual neighbor in Pittsburgh in 1999-2000, while I was at CMU. He would really go out of his way to have social interactions. He would always say hello and ask how you were doing in a way that felt like he actually genuinely wanted to know the answer. Case of the person in real life being exactly like what he seems like on TV.

This is one thing that always got me about the United States: people will ask you how you are doing, but they don't actually mean it, it's just a required pre-amble, a bit like the tones a modem uses to sync up with the other end. If he did it in a way that he actually genuinely wanted to know the answer that alone would set him apart in a very distinctive way. Most people really don't want to know the answer, but th…

I treat "how are you" as an opening for a quick update if there's something to say (e.g. "it was Billie's first day of school today"), or a chance to set up a deeper discussion later (e.g. "oh man, long story, let's catch up later").

Re: Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

#106

Post by leftnode »

alexb_ wrote: post #98

I live in an apartment, and I don't even know what the person who lives next to me looks like. Why would I ask them? People are living their own lives, why am I going to invade into someone's life to make myself feel better

This seems shortsighted. There are dozens of reasons you may want to get to know your neighbors: help each other out, become friends, watch a package, babysit, petsit, and so forth. Sure, nothing may happen from an interaction, but it seems one of the unique aspects of living in an apartment complex is that you can easily know your neighbors.

I live in a large neighborhood of single-family homes and know many of my neighbors, most of which have become good, trusted friends.

Re: Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

#107

Post by gglitch »

jacquesm wrote: post #54
smohnot wrote: post #35

Mr. Rogers was my actual neighbor in Pittsburgh in 1999-2000, while I was at CMU. He would really go out of his way to have social interactions. He would always say hello and ask how you were doing in a way that felt like he actually genuinely wanted to know the answer. Case of the person in real life being exactly like what he seems like on TV.

This is one thing that always got me about the United States: people will ask you how you are doing, but they don't actually mean it, it's just a required pre-amble, a bit like the tones a modem uses to sync up with the other end. If he did it in a way that he actually genuinely wanted to know the answer that alone would set him apart in a very distinctive way. Most people really don't want to know the answer, but th…

Do you shake hands? No one in my life shakes hands anymore. "Hi, how are you," is no more rational, but at least it's more hygienic. As polite social conventions go, I'd call it pretty harmless. Sort of miss the handshakes though.

Edit: FWIW, I often ask people how they are, and while I hope and am delighted to hear how people are, you're right, objectively, I think it's really more just sort of a default template that invites any kind of response vaguely correlating with one's status. But, "Hi, I invite you to tell me anything on your mind that might correlate with how you or the world are, or anything else; I'm just being social," is a bit clumsy.

Re: Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

#108

Post by jacquesm »

Waterluvian wrote: post #80
jacquesm wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is one thing that always got me about the United States: people will ask you how you are doing, but they don't actually mean it, it's just a required pre-amble, a bit like the tones a modem uses to sync up with the other end. If he did it in a way that he actually genuinely wanted to know the answer that alone would set him apart in a very distinctive way. Most people really don't want to know the answer, but th…

That reminds me of Tig Notaro's incredible stand-up set when she found out she had cancer: "I have cancer, how are you?" "Is everyone having a good time? I have cancer." It's a masterpiece, in my opinion. Tig finds an intensely awkward situation with an audience that showed up for comedy, and just presses on it relentlessly. I really hope that when it's my turn, I can handle it like her. https://www.youtube.com/watch…

That's very powerful, in the beginning the audience is totally unable to calibrate their responses but it gets better over time. Props to her, her tone and delivery are absolutely perfect, aiming straight for the heart.

Re: Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

#109

Post by jacquesm »

AlbertCory wrote: post #104
jacquesm wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Try saying, "Great, and you?" even if you don't mean it at all. You get back what you give out. Yes, that is exactly the problem. It invites fake responses and real responses are not appreciated at all. It's just noise.

as I said: there is no problem. You prefer to live in a private hell, and there are lots of ways to signal that non-verbally.

> You prefer to live in a private hell

Sorry? Are you a mind reader or something?

Re: Mister Rogers had a point – routinely greeting six neighbors maximizes wellbeing

#110

Post by iflint »

jacquesm wrote: post #54
smohnot wrote: post #35

Mr. Rogers was my actual neighbor in Pittsburgh in 1999-2000, while I was at CMU. He would really go out of his way to have social interactions. He would always say hello and ask how you were doing in a way that felt like he actually genuinely wanted to know the answer. Case of the person in real life being exactly like what he seems like on TV.

This is one thing that always got me about the United States: people will ask you how you are doing, but they don't actually mean it, it's just a required pre-amble, a bit like the tones a modem uses to sync up with the other end. If he did it in a way that he actually genuinely wanted to know the answer that alone would set him apart in a very distinctive way. Most people really don't want to know the answer, but th…

As an American, I view it as an option to start a light conversation. You can decline the option with a simple "Good, thanks", or you can genuinely answer with a light comment and see if the other person reciprocates. Answering with a particularly serious topic will likely catch the other person off guard, so people avoid that, but to say Americans don't actually mean it when they ask how are you misses some of the nuance of the situation.

There are important contextual and regional difference that apply too. You're more likely to get a genuine reply in a place like the rural Midwest than you are in NYC. You also are more likely to get a genuine reply from a person relaxing at a bar than the cashier at a fast food drive through window. There are many people who will take the question as an invitation to talk if the situation is right.

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