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How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

charity.wtf

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Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#171

Post by ako »

notnaut wrote: post #164
sublinear wrote: post #161

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's not sacrifice.

Sure it is. Fucking up is part of a job. If you’re working 9-5 on the clock, you don’t have to fix shit after 5. Choosing to stick around to fix your mistake off hours without pay when you could do it the next day or take comp time later is a sacrifice of your time/money.

If I hire someone to work on my house and they fuck up, e.g., hit a water or gas pipe, I expect them to fix it asap, with no additional pay. Fucking up is not part of the job if you’re doing the hiring……

Happened to me once, long time ago, I was cleaning up an oracle db production server, and by accident deleted to system datafile of the database. Sat there till midnight to fix it, but at least I had proof the backups were working…

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#172

Post by stefandesu »

Seattle3503 wrote: post #37
m0llusk wrote: post #28

The Center for Nonviolent Communication has some potentially useful ideas about this: https://www.cnvc.org/ Start with active listening by not interrupting and then confirm with the speaker what you think you heard them say. And so on. There is a community apart from the web site and the core book is worth a read.

It is interesting you mention interruption, because the original NVC book endorses certain kinds of interruptions. "Would you rather have someone pretend to listen, or to interrupt?"

> "Would you rather have someone pretend to listen, or to interrupt?"

This is very interesting. In my experience, it applies especially to people who just can't. stop. talking. When someone gives you literally no chance to say anything (not even a few words), it's really hard to actually keep listening. So I have to either pretend to listen (but my thoughts are drifting off) or start interrupting, which I hate doing.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#173

Post by TylerE »

tptacek wrote: post #46
tayo42 wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're the asshole Everyone sucks here

(There's a whole, very popular, subreddit dedicated to adjudicating "NTA", "ESH", "YTA", and "NAH" in a variety of user-submitted scenarios. It's a hoot.)

It’s kinda tanked recently. Lots of very obviously made up stories.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#174

Post by lastangryman »

> Say “please” and “thank you” a lot.

I remember a previous role the team leaders all went on a management training course. Everyone came back and started adding "please" to every request. I found it really patronising and felt like I was being spoken to like a 5 year old.

> "Can you run the SQL update in prod?"

Vs

> "Can you run the SQL update in prod please?"

The "please" sounds like an exasperated parent that is fed up giving the instruction.

I'm also starting to get really sick of emojis everywhere. I don't think they added to this article at all. I hope it's just a temporary fad we are going through and this isn't the future of written communication.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#175

Post by yread »

gottorf wrote: post #3
glonq wrote: post #2

How timely. My boss just crucified a co-worker today in our meeting and I think something like this could help mend things. Yes, my boss never heard of " praise in public criticize in private ". Welcome to working with a hot-blooded eastern european

Management by perkele!

Is Finland now Eastern Europe? More like Kurwa management.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#176

Post by winternewt »

lastangryman wrote: post #174

> Say “please” and “thank you” a lot. I remember a previous role the team leaders all went on a management training course. Everyone came back and started adding "please" to every request. I found it really patronising and felt like I was being spoken to like a 5 year old. > "Can you run the SQL update in prod?" Vs > "Can you run the SQL update in prod please?" The "please" sounds like an exasperated parent that is f…

When people use a lot of emojis, the story in my head is that they care more about keeping appearances up than about honesty and transparency. It's fake positivity.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#177

Post by stefandesu »

> Ever meet someone you didn’t like online, and realize they’re terrific in person? Online communication loses sooooo much in transit.

This is so true. I have a good friend who is, in my opinion, really bad at this. It seems like he has a talent to make even little requests sound aggressive when using written communication. If I didn't know him so well, I would certainly interpret that as very rude, even though in RL he's not like that.

Thinking about this, I realize I have something like this as well. With close friends, I can be VERY direct in a way that's both not completely serious, but still carries my true opinion. And I think I do this without thinking too much, it just comes out (although it doesn't seem to happen with people I'm not that close with, maybe because I'm more guarded and self-conscious during those conversations). Luckily my friends can appreciate this tendency even though it would come across as super rude if I did that to a stranger.

(I guess I can't say if my friend's case above is actually very similar. Maybe he, too, uses different language with people he's less close with, trusting that his good friends know him well enough.)

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#178

Post by arketyp »

lastangryman wrote: post #174

> Say “please” and “thank you” a lot. I remember a previous role the team leaders all went on a management training course. Everyone came back and started adding "please" to every request. I found it really patronising and felt like I was being spoken to like a 5 year old. > "Can you run the SQL update in prod?" Vs > "Can you run the SQL update in prod please?" The "please" sounds like an exasperated parent that is f…

Yeah. This is good advice and all but it's no use if embraced only by behavior on a superficial level. Then it's just cosmetic and can be quite vile at worst, like seeing guys repeat pick-up artist tricks.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#179

Post by byteware »

lastangryman wrote: post #174

> Say “please” and “thank you” a lot. I remember a previous role the team leaders all went on a management training course. Everyone came back and started adding "please" to every request. I found it really patronising and felt like I was being spoken to like a 5 year old. > "Can you run the SQL update in prod?" Vs > "Can you run the SQL update in prod please?" The "please" sounds like an exasperated parent that is f…

yes, coworkers thanking me for a bugfix or a feature bothers the hell out of me. man I am not doing it for you, I am doing it for money that is thanks enough

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#180

Post by [deleted] »

ako wrote: post #171
notnaut wrote: post #164

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sure it is. Fucking up is part of a job. If you’re working 9-5 on the clock, you don’t have to fix shit after 5. Choosing to stick around to fix your mistake off hours without pay when you could do it the next day or take comp time later is a sacrifice of your time/money.

If I hire someone to work on my house and they fuck up, e.g., hit a water or gas pipe, I expect them to fix it asap, with no additional pay. Fucking up is not part of the job if you’re doing the hiring…… Happened to me once, long time ago, I was cleaning up an oracle db production server, and by accident deleted to system datafile of the database. Sat there till midnight to fix it, but at least I had proof the backup…

[deleted]
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