401–410 of 532 posts
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents I'm a person that struggles with boundary-setting and have spent numerous years in relationships that have left me as less-than I was before. Imagine people-pleasing to an absolute fault, and being more of a chameleon that adapts to avoid conflicts. This has led to problems of identity, and deriving my sense of worth through others which isn't healthy. Fortunately, I do…
https://www.the-tls.co.uk/articles/james-gillray-tim-clayton...
It’s been probably a year since I read The WEIRDest People in the World by Joseph Henrich, but the ideas in there have really stuck in my head. The WEIRD acronym stands for Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic. The thesis is that the Christian Church inadvertently created modern society by prohibiting polygamy and cousin marriage. The topic of polygamy is what’s really stuck in my head. Polygamy is…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
This is a good book. Another one I would recommend from this genre is "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now".
Is it worth reading if I'm no longer in my 20s?
A lot of the principles outlined in the book are basically around the concept that you should learn these going into your 20's and apply them right away instead of applying them in your 30's from what I remember. It's been a few years since I've read the book though so I might be a little off.
I'm happy to give other suggestions as best I can if you're curious.
Why we sleep . This book motivated me to change my sleep habits after decades of being a night owl. I’m starting to love early mornings, and I feel so much better. This was a hard change. How to do nothing . About resisting the attention economy and reorienting one’s relationship with technology and the environment. A very thought provoking and timely read, especially while I’m on sabbatical. Flow . Explores the psyc…
Caveat: I would not recommend Why We Sleep for anyone suffering from insomnia. When I was dealing with sleep issues I tried reading it, hoping I'd learn something useful. But the book just kept hammering home how badly it screws you if you're not getting enough sleep. As I was trying all the recommended steps (good sleep hygiene, CBT, exercise, did an overnight sleep study, etc.) with only modest results, this basica…
The thing that had the biggest effect for me is eliminating caffeine. It has a pretty long half life and I believe I metabolize it slower than the average person. Most sources say it is ok to consume it in the morning, but in my case even morning consumption was enough to significantly disrupt my sleep. When I got to the point that even a can of coke was stimulating, I observed a complete cessation of night time restlessness.
The other thing that helped reliably, although to a lesser degree, was getting ~15 minutes of natural sunlight in the morning. In terms of supplements, a combination of lemon balm (mildly increases gaba) and agmatine sulfate (mild nmda antagonism) occasionally helps. I try to use supplements as a last resort, as I try to fix the issues upstream.
I think this speaks to the complexity of our bodies, something you do in the morning can have a significant effect in how you feel at night. It is also wild how our culture normalizes things that go against the healthy functioning of our bodies. I know many people who only get sunlight walking to their car. The human body is amazingly complex, there is certainly much more for us to understand.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I didn’t find a single practical take away in the Voss book. The entire thing was him boasting about his “accomplishments”. I’d go as far as saying it was totally useless.
The author's boasting is something I can imagine bothering some people! He definetly has a big mouth and the book beeing an american style writing doesn't help either. (especially at the end the book transforms to the longest advertisement in history for his own company). But if you can look past that there were a lot of practical take away in the book, at least for me. The largest was how should I think about negoti…
I mean, maybe. I read a lot of books and just found this one not very actionable.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I like this suggestion and it made me think that maybe books should be read in pairs: both on the same topic but with opposing/contradictory views.
> maybe books should be read in pairs Great idea! Now we need a seperate thread or spreadsheet of books by eminent authors that present contradictory viewpoints!
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I would try the original book on people pleasing: "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. The title may sound lousy but is a very logical book. The author is a PhD in his 60s and he coined the concept. You can start by listening some podcasts where he was a guest. He's genuine and a great communicator. Definitely underrated.
After a short search for Dr. Robert Glover I'm getting all kinds of "red pill", "pickup advice", "men's rights" links etc, all of which are red flags to me for "incel" kind of stuff. Is that also what I can expect from the book, or did I come to conclusions too quickly?
That said, the rest of the book is skippable. Most of the advice is ok but is a lot of the same stuff that I assume appears in every other self-help book (in short: attempt to find internal satisfaction with your life and to actively work on doing so). There's plenty of anecdotes of men the author claims to have helped, but those stories seem to be more filler than effective illustration.
The book comes off the rails when he talks about why "nice guys" exist. He says that boys spend too much time with their mothers and in the "female dominated educational system". Because of this, boys internalize that they need to spend all of their time attempting to please women. "Radical feminism" is also to blame for making men feel worthless. There's also a strange portion where he says that nice guys are petrified of sex and premature ejaculation in these cases is caused by a desire to finish coitus as quickly as possible to get it over with. That said, Glover mostly sticks to the advice rather than these "causes", likely to let his book appeal to a broader audience. However, I'm not at all surprised that Glover has appeared on both Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh's talk shows.
My take on the book is that Glover is targeting dissatisfied men who are getting in their own way and who feel like their life is stagnating. Any advice - good or bad - that gets these men to make a change is likely to feel like a massive improvement to them.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Forget the us vs them culture war perspective, and think about this- who are the people attracted to "incel" or "mens rights" stuff and why? These are mostly men - that grew up "people pleasing" and being unable to set boundaries, thinking this made them "good" or "nice guys" and therefore deserving of romantic and financial success, yet it didn't work out like that and they're upset about it. The men's rights stuff…
> The men's rights stuff tells them they've been sold a lie/raw deal by society... I think that's it in a nutshell. Selling a narrative of undeserved victimhood is very powerful. I think a lot of men stop at convenient victimhood and do not follow through and to learn how to be resilient, reliable, and genuinely put others' interests ahead of their own. If you're being a "nice guy" just to get something, then you're…
This is contrasted with clearly setting, communicating, and enforcing boundaries: e.g. I choose to only have relationships with other people that treat me with dignity and mutual respect. I will let people know if they are violating my boundaries, and if necessary, I will move on from the relationship.
I do take issue with your idea to "put others' interests ahead of their own." Often, that is actually part of the problem these "nice guys" have- they are afraid to put their own interests first, which leads them them silently tolerate abuse, etc. and just constantly seethe with resentment. We are each responsible for our own needs and interests, and it is childish to put others first at the expense of yourself, and then silently expect other people to somehow take care of your interests for you. Good leadership, for example involves a type of enlightened self interest: e.g. I am mentoring young people because it brings me joy to see them succeed, I can relate to them, and it makes the world I also live in better. This is because it's good for me, I would not mentor young people if I hated it and it made me miserable, just because I think they need it, and I am putting their needs first, nor would I do it for some covert/unstated reward or repayment. Life isn't a zero sum game- your own best interests will very often align with those of others.