I have two kids, 5 and 8. In brief, I love computers and the internet but I genuinely fear social media and the whole dopamine loop hole along with various other social media risks. So my over-arching strategy has been to emphasise creativity vs consumption. Like, some passive consumption is fine, but I encourage them to think about what they are actually doing. If my child says "can I go on my laptop?", my first question is "what are you planning to do?". Youtube is awful for them. Email with family, seeing how easy it is to make and host a website, Google Maps, BBC in general ... these have been positive things,
Ask HN: How do you handle tech use with your kids?
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Re: Ask HN: How do you handle tech use with your kids?
#42My wife and I just had our first child a little over two months ago. Our implementation is unsettled, but my wife and I are of similar mind.
We were both raised with basically zero restrictions on computer usage. I had a computer in my bedroom from the time I was ten when the 386 supplanted the 286 in the den. Every time the family would get a new computer, the old one would move into my room. That however came with very little of the dangers of today. Social media was not a thing. and the trouble you could get into on sub-56k internet were pretty limited by comparison.
Neither of us want to do straight up arbitrary "screen time" restrictions. They strike me as the worst kind of rule - arbitrary. Creative endeavors, reading, learning and growing shouldn't come with restrictions. I wouldn't be the person I am today in the job I have today if I hadn't been able to spend endless hours trying to make my monochrome 286 do neat things.
And yet… On the other hand I don't think there's a lot of value in endless short form videos or scrolling social media.
For years I have seen my nieces and nephews with unrestricted personal tablet use spend entire holidays watching YouTube sitting in the corner at their grandparents house and it frankly bothers me. My in-laws will often let their very young children use their phone "as a treat". One of my "favorite" stories to tell is my at the time three year old niece stealing her moms phone from her purse to watch YouTube videos. On her mom confiscating the phone and telling her "You have to ask to use mommy's phone" she had a meltdown screaming "I don't ask. I don't ask." over and over for a solid five minutes.
I suspect prior to a certain age, keeping them from electronics particularly without active guidance is probably for the best. I also suspect whatever I try to do will likely fall apart when their friends will have limitless access. I have genuinely considered homeschooling over this but my wife doesn't like that option.
Recently, prior to the birth of our daughter, we babysat my friends son. My friends advice was "if he starts to cry, just put on Cocomelon". After about 15 minutes of him screaming for his mommy I resigned and put it on and he immediately stopped crying - and literally everything else other than breathing - and just STARED at the TV with a unblinking gaze. I have become convinced that there is something in that show that just should not be seen by children. I had not really considered restricting my kids access to media prior to this, but it was honestly kind of frightening. I am far more afraid of whatever that is that Cocomelon contains than I am of their exposure to sex or violence.
The long and short is that I really don't know, and it worries me.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle tech use with your kids?
#43We have two kids who were raised essentially screen-free until 3, then on a 1hr a week diet until 6. We worried all the time about the transition to school, and the cultural norm of allowing a lot more screen time. This was an imagined dragon - this has not been an issue at all. My oldest just got a Switch, she plays less than 1/2hr a day - then she walks away without issue. She has friends with phones and iWatches (…
This is such a wonderfully insightful comment. I think the bit about learning to worry only about the current issue is especially important, but the whole thing is gold.
My oldest just turned 7, and I have slowly learned that the kids do best and are happiest not when I set them up with the best possible environment or activities or rules or whatever, but when I’m consistently and actively engaged with them and considerate of their needs and perspectives as much as my own. Sometimes I worry that they might get too much screen time, but sometimes I go to wake them up and discover that they’ve snuck out of bed to quietly read together.
Address problems that need addressing as they arise, but try to remember that, on the balance, things turn out ok.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle tech use with your kids?
#44I have 9 and 11 year old boys
No screen time until they were 4. Even then if I think about it, it was more to give myself a break than for them, so I regret it.
they both have ipads now and swtiches and an xbox they share. They are only allowed on when I tell them they can play games. The ipads have internet access but everything is sent to our phones. They are forbidden to visit any social media, including youtube.
They have to get approval for any games they add to the systems.
We let them play games becuase their friends do and all the kids chat while doing it so its good for socializing. They can only friend people they know.
Oldest just got a phone. Internet is disabled. He can only text and call.
While it sounds like a lot, we have a good system, they know what games we will let them play and so dont push for anything else to much. Its really just about setting boundaries but giving them enough freedom that they dont push those boundaries.
My oldest did spend about $100 on fortnite once without telling us and so we locked that down. He knew it was wrong but did it anyway which is on me. He wont do it again (no physical punishment in my house, I just explained that i was disappointed and grounded him for a week). We had a good talk about it.
During summer they play a lot of games as I have to work and their friends are all online with them.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle tech use with your kids?
#45Our daughter is now 14. We read to her until until basically she took the book from our hands and started reading on her own. After that we would still read to her but it was more about bonding than teaching her to read.
No screens at all until about 4 or 5. Then it was an occasional family movie day or evening.
So without screens, she read even more books. Reading at 8th grade level in 2nd grade. And college level in 5th grade. So that’s a challenge for a parent, finding college-level content appropriate for a 9 year old. We did ok there.
There were limited access screens in 1st, 2nd grade public schools.
We started homeschooling for 3rd grade. Computer / iPad use for schoolwork through about 6th grade where we let her start using it for comms with her peers, email, chat, NO social media.
All along the way we taught digital citizenship and how to stay away from groomers.
We found about a year ago she was reading some kind of racy stuff on a fan fiction site, with some creepy folks lurking in the comments. At that point we realized we made a mistake letting her compute in private. So we realigned, computer/iPad use only in the living room and only with screen mirroring to the television turned on. We don’t really watch the mirroring, it’s a behavior modification tool which we will discard once she shows some signs of being more mature and following rules.
Anyway, you know better than anyone what is right for your child. Of course consult other parents for ideas but you’ll do your best and pivot as needed.
She’s still reading. I think keeping screens off limits was a huge gift to her. She’s tearing through a trilogy of about 1-3/4” thick novels this week. This is even with routine daily tv watching about an hour a day. Her willingness to read has enabled her to teach herself a lot. We still homeschool and we outsource topics where we are weak to private educators.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle tech use with your kids?
#46My friends have managed to avoid introducing their 5 year old to the iPad. They do allow her to use it on airplanes, but they rope the flight attendants into it and have the attendant present it as "the airplane's iPad."
Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and the Airplane’s iPad. The Four Horsemen of Childhood Disillusions.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle tech use with your kids?
#47Trust in the eternal refrain “the kids are alright”.
This sounds nice, but headlines like “Suicide Rates Among U.S. Adolescents Doubled in 10 Years”(https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/articles/2023-05-01/...) give pause.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle tech use with your kids?
#48As with my own discipline, I think a bias towards an additive mindset rather than a restrictive one is helpful. By which I mean, focusing on the alternatives to screens, rather than only limiting them.
My kids are very young and get restless indoors. They demand more engagement. I can usually distract them by going outside, where they immediately calm down. This doesn't work forever, but it gives them an outlet for awhile where I don't necessarily have to read and roughhouse to keep them entertain. The only solid alternative indoors is: having other kids around. Otherwise they seem to get bored of their toys and want television.
The tv time is just as much for me as it is for them. I'm wiped and happy to give in for 10-15 minute spells. It's not like you can reason with an infant like "oh you're bored? do something creative" - they need attention and validation, which is draining, and then if they're familiar with screens they want that stimulus.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle tech use with your kids?
#49We have a 2.5 year old. Hello to all other HN toddler owners^H^H^H^H^Hparents.
Regarding screentime we are pretty strict. He is not allowed more than 15 minutes a day, and that is from a selection of some farm videos. He's also got his own iPhone but it's not on WiFi and it's only so that if he wants to take photos. They learn very quickly at this age.
Whatever you do, don't let your toddler browse YouTube or something like that on their own, it's like a continuous endorphine kick and they'll just want to do it instead of healthier activities like being outside.
Re: Ask HN: How do you handle tech use with your kids?
#50Mine is a few years older than yours. We just talk about it and set clear expectations. The only context I allow her to watch videos is when she's video chatting with her grandparents and they co-watch cartoons in another language so she can learn. So I hit a few birds with one stone. On special occasions we watch movies on the projector. Consistency is key; don't break the rules yourself. When my wife watches videos…
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