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Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety

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Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety

#1

Post by gtkid1999 »

I'm a coward. There is no denying it but I've accepted this fact. Failed out of my university's cs program, ended up majoring in something totally different. Got a software engineering job at a big name company after internships and converting to full time. Now, having worked there for a year full time, I realize I don't know anything. My job is mainly just refactoring code and I hardly have built anything from scratch. I have crippling depression from feeling like an imposter, and I never told my parents I switched my majors in uni.

These will be my final few days on earth since I'm just an incompetent piece of shit who's not valuable anywhere. The thought of death is almost liberating since I'll be freed from this cycle if torture. Guilt, Shame, ignorance, depression, anxiety. Good luck everyone, if there is an afterlife I'll see you there

Re: Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety

#2

Post by JimtheCoder »

A permanent solution to a temporary problem is never the answer.

Maybe reach out to your parents and ask for some help? They will not be upset as you think they will be.

When you are depressed and anxious, you are not thinking rationally. All of this incompetent piece of shit stuff is just your negative emotions...it's not reality.

Re: Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety

#5

Post by tuatoru »

From someone who's been there: please don't do anything hasty--except maybe leave your job. The "majors" are uniformly toxic.

Talk to your boss, or their boss. Even taking a totally cynical view of life, they don't want suicides on their watch because it looks bad on their performance reviews, so they'll do anything to help you. If you can't do that, because they're sociopathic assholes, walk out the door. Really walk out the door, and don't look back.

Just keeping yourself alive makes you a worthwhile human being. You're contributing to to greater good if you do only that.

Your job is not who you are and it never should be.

If your job makes you feel bad, walk out and block all of work's phone numbers. Delete Slack from your phone. Just get a new phone if you can.

If your parents make you feel bad, block them too. You don't need know-nothings judging you. In fact, from what you've said, block them anyway. They've failed. You haven't.

Everyone else is faking it too. You've probably heard that before, but it really is true. Take it in, mull it over, and stop judging yourself.

Re: Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety

#6

Post by scrps »

Not a coward.

I can't tell you the number of times I've felt like I know absolutely nothing, that is ok and I've met a lot of people who go through it even if they've been doing this for 20+ years. What you feel as "knowing nothing" is the universe telling you the scope of what you are trying to master, it is meant to humble you, don't let it crumble you.

As for doing things from scratch, that isn't as easy as it has been in the past, look for a project doing something that speaks to what made you get into computers and engineering and see what you can contribute, sometimes the money aspect of this industry is what kills it's soul.

Take breaks, give your brain time to rest and get perspective, do things that are far, far away from anything to do with engineering and don't forget absolutely none of this at the end of the day is ever worth harming yourself over.

Re: Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety

#7

Post by hazebooth »

pestatije wrote: post #3

just take a break man...go on holiday, climb a mountain, learn scuba diving, pay for a three-some, try crack(only once though), learn brick-laying, ...

You think you can “try” crack? sorry this comment has me in tears

Re: Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety

#8

Post by gtkid1999 »

scrps wrote: post #6

Not a coward. I can't tell you the number of times I've felt like I know absolutely nothing, that is ok and I've met a lot of people who go through it even if they've been doing this for 20+ years. What you feel as "knowing nothing" is the universe telling you the scope of what you are trying to master, it is meant to humble you, don't let it crumble you. As for doing things from scratch, that isn't as easy as it has…

I really need time right now to grow. I just feel that I'm being pulled in too many directions and I need to figure out my life priorities. Plus the guilt and baggage carrying from my uni days has taken a serious mental toll. I really appreciate the reply. I need to figure out what I want

Re: Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety

#9

Post by gtkid1999 »

af3d wrote: post #4

Don't be so hard on yourself, Brother. You want to change the way you have been doing things? Well that's great! It shows that you care. Accept the mistakes you have made, you can grow into the better person you want to be.

I truly appreciate the reply. I need to figure out a plan but don't know where to start. Being a self taught dev is harder than I expected it to be. I feel like there is a mountain of information I missed out on from 4 years of uni that I must catch up on. Hard to figure out where to begin

Re: Can't take it anymore. Guilt, imposter syndrome, depression, and anxiety

#10

Post by gtkid1999 »

tuatoru wrote: post #5

From someone who's been there: please don't do anything hasty--except maybe leave your job. The "majors" are uniformly toxic. Talk to your boss, or their boss. Even taking a totally cynical view of life, they don't want suicides on their watch because it looks bad on their performance reviews, so they'll do anything to help you. If you can't do that, because they're sociopathic assholes, walk out the door. Really wal…

My parents are pressuring me to get my masters in CS. I have somehow convinced them I'll do an online masters, but I hate the thought of being controlled at the age of 23. They are the root of my problems right now which why I've been led too these extremes
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