Beyond introvert vs. extrovert

For me it's kind of the opposite. I'm a big introvert. I'm totally happy to spend all day quietly by myself. Just my wife coming home for the evening is more than enough social interaction for me. We sometimes go out with one friend for supper - I'm tired after that. And I HATE family gatherings outside just my immediate family and I dread work events. But I love concerts. Being anonymous in a crowd, and not having to interact with anyone on anything but the most superficial level, is totally fine with me, and feeling that wave of energy from the crowd but not having to answer it is great.

It's when I have to put the energy in to engage with people around me is when I'm pretty much immediately exhausted.

People have different reasons for being reclusive. The social phobic, the agorapohbic, the autist, and the common but complete obscure schizotype (maybe you if you are self-diagnosed "autistic") are all examples.

Great writeup and love your articulation of ambiverts.

I am an introvert--but now trained my mind to be a normal person and not fear people around me. I forced it earlier. If you meet me, you'll not find me an introvert, anymore. 10 years ago, people would politely ask me to talk or share.

It has been years of journey achieving that change.

I don't feel the introvert/extrovert quagmire anymore. However, if I'm in public meetings--presenting, chatting for more than a few hours--then I need to come back and take a hot shower--and fade away the people and conversations.

My wife calls that shower: "Removing the theater from the head."

I agree with this.

Like, alone, one on one and small groups of 4-6 people are great. I have very enjoyable memories of lounging around with bands after a show, just hanging out, drinking something, shooting some shit about music and life. Our boardgame round is similar, 3-4 people, we have similar interests, we know each other. I very much value these rounds. You can focus on people, you can listen to them, speaking rights are respected. Sometimes there is also nothing to say and that's fine.

Crowds are also no issue. Find or form your bubble, or just be part of the faceless crowd. Or just drift around, bump into people, be part of a pit or another. It's wonderful.

But being forced to get to know 50 people over the next 20 minutes just a little bit? That's terrifying and I know I will shut down and flee from the situation. And if I don't, I won't remember anyone. And hell, in a more compatible environment, I remember people from concerts at a festival 2 years ago by face alone because we had fun and had a good time and talk without even knowing their name (and as I learned now, it's Pet, haha).

I see a fundamental misunderstanding, even among so-called profesionals, about what introvert vs extrovert actually means. I am an introvert but struggled with the traditional definitions. This article builds on and complicates these incorrect foundations.

Here's the simplest explanation that I have found: social interactions cost introverts energy. Extroverts gain energy from social interactions. When I heard this, it was liike a light bulb going off. It's not that I, as an introvert, didn't like people or exclusively preferred being alone. It's that too much social interaction is, quite literally, exhausting. That doesn't mean it's avoided at all cost or that social interaction can't be or isn't enjoyed.

If you've met a true extrovert you'll know this. For such people, social interaction really can resemble a high. It can be something they crave and they can crash from.

Larger groups are just more social interaction. It can be easier with known people (eg family gatherings) because the processing cost of the social interactions is less and there are fewer unknowns.