The only way 40 is midlife is if you spent your life so far behind a desk.
That's going to be quite a lot of people. It is also pretty spot on if thinking in life expectancy terms.
Never waste a midlife crisis
131–140 of 461 posts
Re: Never waste a midlife crisis
#132Earlier quoted context omitted.
> 36 year old middle aged man You're not quite middle aged yet :). And 33 is way too early for a midlife crisis, surely? Maybe it's just garden variety burnout and/or depression?
I’d say in my social circle most people hit a crisis of self around 30 years old, and most were out of the funk 2-3 years following. Most are doing well now as we hit 40, curios if is struck sooner for our generation.
This is similar to my experience (mid 30s now). I remember sitting at my desk at work, staring out of the window, thinking "wow..so this is it". Would've been about 28-29. I think a combination of things got me to that headspace: end of the education-career pipeline, having bought and settled into a house, and having no kids. I reached a point where I was no longer occupied with achieving "my" goals, and I was left to figure out what my life was going to be. I guess suddenly becoming aware of that responsibility isn't very pleasant; before, I was just on the rails society lays out. School, job, marriage, house, kids, career, etc. Easy.
I'm not much interested in the pedantic debate taking place elsewhere in here about what truly qualifies as an x-life crisis. To me, it's a point in your life where there's some anxiety associated with the direction of your life. I'm more interested in how people came to think about their lives in and after those moments.
Re: Never waste a midlife crisis
#133I turned 40 last year, shortly after “making it” to my career goal: CTO of a hyper-growth start-up. Shortly after my birthday, my daughter, who had just started middle school, was hospitalized because she was suicidal. What I believe has been a midlife crisis exploded with such tremendous force, I thought I was losing my mind. Thank goodness for good therapy, which I immediately sought. This is the most profound reco…
If you don't mind sharing, where did you find a therapist, and what is their background? It seems like there is such a wide range of options, and I'm a bit hesitant about the online platforms.
Re: Never waste a midlife crisis
#134Earlier quoted context omitted.
I think that's the kind of attitude that sometimes leads to the worst midlife crisis. Because you're holding yourself to an extremely high standard: for your life to be perfect in all aspects (by your own judgement) by ~40. Personally I learned to battle mid life crisis with a dose of humility (I haven't figured it all out, and that's exciting) and humor.
I'm not expecting perfection. But I am treating my life a lot like navigating in a sailboat. You have to have your eye on the horizon and use the stars the guide you. You can't always reach your destination in a straight line, but you also shouldn't be way off course.
No one has 100% agency, you don't always have a rudder, sometimes the wind capsizes your boat and you drown to death. Sometimes you had to compromise so much that the end result doesn't satisfy you. That's what a midlife crisis is after all. A lot of people did their best, and are still unhappy with the outcome because luck plays a huge role in life.
Some people don't even get boats my friend, they have to try and succeed on a plank of driftwood. I hope you don't have a midlife crisis either, but chances are pretty high your not going to end up exactly where you thought you would be, and hey maybe that ends up being a good thing. Maybe your horizon was okay but you actually lucked into something you loved more.
Re: Never waste a midlife crisis
#135Earlier quoted context omitted.
True but if you make a decision that makes you a bitter adult then they have to live with that as well - as a role model for your kids no less. No easy answers unfortunately.
Fulfilment doesn’t feed your children or put a roof over their heads. The expectation is that men provide. The wife and kids would prefer a bitter provider over a happy “deadbeat”.
I don’t disagree, but I think part of it is whether the wife and/or kids are able to spend enough time with their husband/father.
Re: Never waste a midlife crisis
#136Earlier quoted context omitted.
If he lives in the US, it's pretty close. The life expectancy of a male in the US is 73.5 years. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/life-expectancy.htm
Middle age is generally not defined as 50% of your life expectancy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_age
Yes.
It should perhaps better be described as a mid-life-expectancy crisis.
Re: Never waste a midlife crisis
#137I wonder if the mid life crisis is a completely modern and secular malady. Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. Because they are too busy, but mainly because their life is oriented from the get-go around what is very meaningful to them
No doubt it takes different forms now than in the 14th century, but Dante began his Inferno with a mid-life crisis:
Midway upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a dark forest
For the straightforward path had been lost.Re: Never waste a midlife crisis
#138Midlife crisis needs to be split into the "responsible for kids" and "not" categories. The "not" people can do wilder/riskier things, although I suspect on average they don't since fear of things massively outweighs "can you actually do it" factors. Probably the paper boxes we build are smaller than the metal ones outside of them.
Thank you. I turned 40 this weekend, and have spent the last few months if not years wondering who the hell I am, and thinking about all the cool projects, startups, languages and learnings I'd love to explore. However, I also have a 3-year old I'm taking care of who drains me of all my excess time and energy. I can't do any of this stuff. I'm exhausted at the end of the day, and with my 1-2 hours at the end of night…
That's how I was around 40 (though my children were 6 and 3 at the time). I'm definitely going through a midlife crisis. One thing I've learned about myself in this period (it started last year) is that there is nothing worth losing your own mental health over. If you aren't mentally healthy and stable, those you care about the most are going to suffer all the more for it. Sometimes you have to pick the least of multiple bad options, and often "powering through" is not that.
Re: Never waste a midlife crisis
#139Good advice, from a 36 year old middle aged man 3 years into a midlife crisis after a massive work-related burnout event. A couple more pieces of advice from me: * A midlife crisis has its own glacial pace. Be prepared to be upside down for a long time. * Be prepared not to be the same person you were before. Be prepared to learn there is no turning back. * If you're in a midlife crisis, your previous life was simply…
38 yo male now starting to think I don’t know what a midlife crisis is.
It means you'll never be 18 or 23 or 30 or 35 again. The youth that you took for granted is gone forever and time will march with you until your death. Death may be maybe be 2 years from now or 40 years from now, fully knowing that you body will start failing. Even if you have 40 years, not all of them will be good years, especially the last ones. Once you are gone, that's it, all the time you spent improving yourself and building wealth will be for naught, at least for you.
Re: Never waste a midlife crisis
#140Earlier quoted context omitted.
I thought the circumstances you describe are what leads to the typical midlife crisis. Not always, but people wake up and realize they're trapped in a life (kids, obligations, job) that sort of crept up on them, and feel like they need to let off some steam. A lot of (perhaps including the article's authors) modern "mid-life crises" are more what I've heard of as "quarter life crises" - you finish school, get a job,…
> I'd planned professionally at about 30 and then realized it wasn't what I wanted and had no idea what to do next. Oddly enough, I think this is what keeps me from being ambitious in a professional sense. I just feel like, based on everything I read, hear, and see, that we are all just donkeys chasing the metaphorical carrot tied to a stick. I swear, it's like the hedonistic treadmill is turned up a few notches too…
I "made it" (financially set for life) in the past two years after selling my company at 33. I was chasing something like it since I was maybe 15, tired of having grown up poor and wanting better for my family and myself.
I'm still not happy but at least I know I'd rather have money and be sad than also being worried about money on top of that. I definitely need to get back some semblance of meaning in my life, but at 34 now (without kids) and still feeling like I'm 25 because my perception of time is warped by attention deficit.. I feel like the only years I care about are soon to be over (under 40).
The further I get from my childhood the less I want to be here.