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Never waste a midlife crisis

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Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#91

Post by anthonygd »

PaulHoule wrote: post #19
version_five wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I thought the circumstances you describe are what leads to the typical midlife crisis. Not always, but people wake up and realize they're trapped in a life (kids, obligations, job) that sort of crept up on them, and feel like they need to let off some steam. A lot of (perhaps including the article's authors) modern "mid-life crises" are more what I've heard of as "quarter life crises" - you finish school, get a job,…

There is this book https://www.amazon.com/Passages-Predictable-Crises-Adult-Lif... which factually points out that most people go through several crises in their adult life. As a rule of thumb you have one every seven years or so. I had one around 30, another in my early 40s, and another at 49. If you read between the lines in Freud you could also get the picture that a psychoanalysis would be likely to span the dura…

> most people go through several crises in their adult life. As a rule of thumb you have one every seven years or so.

That's terrifying. I haven't recovered from the crisis 5 years ago. Not ready for another.

> In particular divorce might work out well for somebody like Bill Gates or Elon Musk who can trade in their tired old nag for a hot young thing

That just sounds sad. How lonely do you have to be before it makes sense to trade in your closest companion for eye candy?

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#92

Post by PaulHoule »

anthonygd wrote: post #91
PaulHoule wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is this book https://www.amazon.com/Passages-Predictable-Crises-Adult-Lif... which factually points out that most people go through several crises in their adult life. As a rule of thumb you have one every seven years or so. I had one around 30, another in my early 40s, and another at 49. If you read between the lines in Freud you could also get the picture that a psychoanalysis would be likely to span the dura…

> most people go through several crises in their adult life. As a rule of thumb you have one every seven years or so. That's terrifying. I haven't recovered from the crisis 5 years ago. Not ready for another. > In particular divorce might work out well for somebody like Bill Gates or Elon Musk who can trade in their tired old nag for a hot young thing That just sounds sad. How lonely do you have to be before it makes…

Look, Bill Gates was in such bad shape he asked Jeffery Epstein for marriage advice and that was after Epstein had gotten busted the first time.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#93

Post by sdwr »

PaulHoule wrote: post #19
version_five wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I thought the circumstances you describe are what leads to the typical midlife crisis. Not always, but people wake up and realize they're trapped in a life (kids, obligations, job) that sort of crept up on them, and feel like they need to let off some steam. A lot of (perhaps including the article's authors) modern "mid-life crises" are more what I've heard of as "quarter life crises" - you finish school, get a job,…

There is this book https://www.amazon.com/Passages-Predictable-Crises-Adult-Lif... which factually points out that most people go through several crises in their adult life. As a rule of thumb you have one every seven years or so. I had one around 30, another in my early 40s, and another at 49. If you read between the lines in Freud you could also get the picture that a psychoanalysis would be likely to span the dura…

> the experience of most people is "dark matter"

Love this, maps really well onto my experience. I see (and feel) a sharp deliniation between do-ers and be-ers, with the be-ers wishing they could do, and the do-ers not having time to process what they're doing.

> for ordinary people and their families it's profoundly harmful

People want (and believe they deserve) what they used to have, or what they see someone else has. I think the crux of the midlife crisis is coming to terms with tradeoffs. Everyone has spent potential to get where they are, and there aren't do-overs.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#94

Post by bacon_waffle »

rcme wrote: post #33
jebarker wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But you've figured out what 20 year old and 30 year old you wanted, not necessarily what 40 year old you wants. I was shocked by the cookie cutter midlife crisis I had upon hitting 40 despite thinking I was doing all the right things before that.

My decision making has largely been driven by looking at those older than me and asking myself if that’s the type of life I want to live. If the answer is yes, then I use those people as role models. So I think my optimization strategy has been on a longer time horizon than just what I want in my 20s or 30s.

This approach seems wise, and to an extent I've tried to follow it as well. "Learn from other people's mistakes" - for me this has always seemed natural, and in a sense I've been fortunate to have some good learning opportunities.

One complication is that we all follow different paths through life; those older people didn't get to where they are by going further down the same path you're on.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#95

Post by Lammy »

sharkweek wrote: post #87
rootusrootus wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> 36 year old middle aged man You're not quite middle aged yet :). And 33 is way too early for a midlife crisis, surely? Maybe it's just garden variety burnout and/or depression?

I’d say in my social circle most people hit a crisis of self around 30 years old, and most were out of the funk 2-3 years following. Most are doing well now as we hit 40, curios if is struck sooner for our generation.

> I’d say in my social circle most people hit a crisis of self around 30 years old

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return

e: downvote all you want but people wouldn't have attempted to find meaning for something like this if they hadn't experienced it first

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#96

Post by danparsonson »

rcme wrote: post #67
lz400 wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think that's the kind of attitude that sometimes leads to the worst midlife crisis. Because you're holding yourself to an extremely high standard: for your life to be perfect in all aspects (by your own judgement) by ~40. Personally I learned to battle mid life crisis with a dose of humility (I haven't figured it all out, and that's exciting) and humor.

I'm not expecting perfection. But I am treating my life a lot like navigating in a sailboat. You have to have your eye on the horizon and use the stars the guide you. You can't always reach your destination in a straight line, but you also shouldn't be way off course.

Yeah but the point about the crisis is realising that maybe your chosen destination was a mistake you made based on incomplete information, or else you've arrived and it's not what you imagined it would be so now what do you do?

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#98

Post by foobarian »

boringg wrote: post #72
sircastor wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s tricky though, because the decision you can live with becomes the decision your partner and children also have to live with - and they get much less choice in the matter.

True but if you make a decision that makes you a bitter adult then they have to live with that as well - as a role model for your kids no less. No easy answers unfortunately.

It should enter into the equation for sure. Is the kid better off with a revolving door of abusive "boyfriends" and mother who works three jobs or one bitter dad? Not a pretty picture.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#99

Post by Lamad123 »

xyzelement wrote: post #2

I wonder if the mid life crisis is a completely modern and secular malady. Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. Because they are too busy, but mainly because their life is oriented from the get-go around what is very meaningful to them

It's not!! We were told as kids that prophets in general became prophets at that age around 40!! It's the case for Mohammed at least and if your read up on his life around that age, you can easily imagine he was going through a mid-life crisis!!

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#100

Post by anthonygd »

ryandrake wrote: post #46
xyzelement wrote: post #2

I wonder if the mid life crisis is a completely modern and secular malady. Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. Because they are too busy, but mainly because their life is oriented from the get-go around what is very meaningful to them

Nearing-50, non-religious person checking in here: I don't think it has much to do with religion or non-religion. I must be really lucky or really privileged because I haven't had even a hint of "crisis" that I can remember. Knock on wood that I don't catch it somewhere. Isn't the common denominator of a midlife crisis a yearning for the past? Overwhelming nostalgia? Dad buying a sports car so he can pretend to be 20…

> Isn't the common denominator of a midlife crisis a yearning for the past? Overwhelming nostalgia?

I don't think so. I'd describe a midlife crisis as more of a fear you don't have enough time to do what's next. I've always wanted a Ferrari; if I don't get it now, when will I? I discovered bouldering in my 40's and hate the fact that I can never be competitive; if only I had started 20 years earlier... at this point, every year limits how much time I have left for those new adventures I haven't discovered yet.

I think Uncle Joe just complains because he's crabby.

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