I know the grass seems always greener on the other side and this culture has its own set of problems but I still think I would prefer this over what the west has to offer in the dating market.
I absolutely hate the ambiguity of the relationship in the west, “Dating? I’m not sure, we have only started sleeping together a month ago. They might still be seeing other people.” And yes, not everywhere is like this but around my parts, seeking a serious relationship is a recipe for disaster and not something worth spending any sort of asset for.
Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)
71–80 of 133 posts
Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)
#72> In Western culture, if someone suddenly and unexpectedly confessed this to you so quickly you would start running, I think. As a Chinese I can't wrap my head around the concept of running away because someone loves you. So to enter a relationship with someone you have to not love them while still loving them...?! Do western people all have fear of commitment? I'm just glad I'm married now (to a Chinese girl) and no…
> So to enter a relationship with someone you have to not love them while still loving them...? It's weird and even offending to hear "I love you" (said seriously) from a person who doesn't know you well. My take is that you can say you are _in_ love and this may sound fine if delivered right. Still, better be sure that there is at least some mutual sympathy. Also highly language-specific I guess. EDIT: I personally…
> I am also curious if there are cultures with a polite probing mechanism which are not humiliating for both parties
I think to some degree, it's supposed to be humiliating in the failure case. The type of confession being discussed here is a "costly social signal". The willingness to bear the humiliation that ensues in the failure case is part of what makes the confession meaningful and a social trope in the first place.
That being said, there's a lots of cultures with established social signals for relationship status. For example, the outdated "Ms" vs "Mrs" distinction, which is present on lots of languages/cultures, engagement rings, certain fashion choices... I guess in "western culture", the solution for probing is "asking someone out a few times". In the failure case, the rejecting party can say "I'd love to but I'm really busy at the moment" a few times and the rejected party takes the hint. I'm not sure this can be any less humiliating, barring some stuff involving cryptography.
Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)
#73I know the grass seems always greener on the other side and this culture has its own set of problems but I still think I would prefer this over what the west has to offer in the dating market. I absolutely hate the ambiguity of the relationship in the west, “Dating? I’m not sure, we have only started sleeping together a month ago. They might still be seeing other people.” And yes, not everywhere is like this but arou…
> the west
> “Dating? I’m not sure, we have only started sleeping together a month ago. They might still be seeing other people.”
This seems specifically American to me, and I think this is a weird thing to most Europeans.
Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)
#74I know the grass seems always greener on the other side and this culture has its own set of problems but I still think I would prefer this over what the west has to offer in the dating market. I absolutely hate the ambiguity of the relationship in the west, “Dating? I’m not sure, we have only started sleeping together a month ago. They might still be seeing other people.” And yes, not everywhere is like this but arou…
The grass looks greener because the article depicts a reality that follows TV plots and comics.
In practice teenagers are horny and will fuck around if they can, and their relationship can be as blurry. Same for adults going to bars and having one night stands, or ducking it out while drunk after a party and being in limbo trying to to sort it out for weeks afterwards.
Same for online dating of course, wanting to be sure the alchemy is there before mentally commiting isn't some culture's exclusive trait.
Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)
#75> Is it like or is it love? It's definitely just like. Sure, we say "I loved that donut" or "I love her personality!" but you'd never just straight-up say "I love you" with that meaning because it would be completely misunderstood. So this whole article seems premised on a mistranslation that the author brings up but never actually admits.
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Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)
#76This feels very similar to namorar in Brazilian culture, which is a verb that is basically means "become/be an exclusive couple". If you've started going on dates, then at some point someone will ask the other to namorar . It's a very explicit ask, e.g. "let's be boyfriend/girlfriend". While in the US it's not unusual to just organically become a couple and never actually discuss it "officially", the official ask is…
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Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)
#77> Is it like or is it love? It's definitely just like. Sure, we say "I loved that donut" or "I love her personality!" but you'd never just straight-up say "I love you" with that meaning because it would be completely misunderstood. So this whole article seems premised on a mistranslation that the author brings up but never actually admits.
Coming from Spain we have a similar difference between like and love that you don't in English so it might be difficult to grasp. Basically we have a middle-level between both of them: 1. I like you. Me gustas. Suki-desu -> very early in the relationship, or to start off 2. [blank]. Te quiero. Daisuki-desu -> formal couple, to express feelings of love 2.5 I love you -> formal couple after long time dating I believe,…
There's also "koi shiteru" which is even higher maybe "you're my soulmate"
Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)
#78I find it really lame that this article includes a long list of "fails" instead of successful examples.
The successful, reliable format is right there in the beginning: Saying that one sentence face-to-face in private.
That's half the point of the article, that the culture is to follow that one clear format to avoid ambiguity, and that other formats are seen as creepy, privacy-invading, etc.
Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)
#79> it was kind of rude to send a text to people while they are probably sleeping Not the point of the article, but this is a personal bugbear of mine - no it wasn't. Text-based communication is asynchronous. It's rude to _expect_ that someone is present and available if you message them out of the blue (or, rather - rude to get upset if they don't immediately reply), but it's not rude to send the message in the first…
I hold the opposite opinion to most of this. Text messaging, yes is asynchronous - but you don't know what the settings of the persons device are. They could have forgotten or not have quite hours set and now it is very much a synchronous notification even if it's not synchronous communication. Sending delayed - again things happen. I would rather send a delayed message when I am in full control of the situation rath…
I fully agree with this.
Some people, including myself unfortunately, are uncomfortable with unread messages. The biggest problem is, you’ll read the message, but not respond right away to avoid creating the impression “keep messaging me at this hour”. Then, when the appropriate time to answer comes, whatever your definition of that is, you’ll forget to actually answer.
I don’t have this problem with email, but messaging platforms create this with read receipts, online/offline status, etc.
Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)
#80Earlier quoted context omitted.
No, I think it's inconsiderate to text people when they are likely sleeping. If you have kids/family you typically don't silence your phone at night in case there's an emergency. So if I get a text at 03:00 I'm likely to wake up and look at it. You're the one sending the message, so you're the one who should wait to do it when it it will be convenient for the recipient. If you're texting me in the middle of sleeping…
'Do not disturb' settings have been granular enough for awhile now, such that this is no longer a problem unless you want it to be.
You're still putting the burden on the receipient to setup a system that filters out emergencies and non emergencies, and who they want messages from at what time, potentialy switching things on and off as their schedule changes etc. Basicaly they're still spending time and effort so you don't have to.