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Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

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Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#41

> In Western culture, if someone suddenly and unexpectedly confessed this to you so quickly you would start running, I think. As a Chinese I can't wrap my head around the concept of running away because someone loves you. So to enter a relationship with someone you have to not love them while still loving them...?! Do western people all have fear of commitment? I'm just glad I'm married now (to a Chinese girl) and no…

I'm a native English speaker and I think it's at least partly a translation issue; if you translate "好きです" as "I like you" then it is completely normal to confess that way. Translating it as "I love you" makes it a lot more weighty and creepy. I don't really speak Japanese, but it seems like 好き is somewhere between "like" and "love."

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#42
post #4

> it was kind of rude to send a text to people while they are probably sleeping Not the point of the article, but this is a personal bugbear of mine - no it wasn't. Text-based communication is asynchronous. It's rude to _expect_ that someone is present and available if you message them out of the blue (or, rather - rude to get upset if they don't immediately reply), but it's not rude to send the message in the first…

you missed one outcome: the message is buried under a bunch of other messages, or even ignored because it didn't come during work hours. (assuming both sides know each others work hours)

yes, i agree that getting upset when you get a message while sleeping is not right, but sending a delayed message when you have the option to can be a good idea.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#43

I read carefully the first half of the article then scanned the rest, so I may have missed it; it didn't seem to also mention "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?", which is a poetic way of saying I love you as well: https://www.tsuki.world/world/the-moon-is-beautiful-isnt-it https://www.wikihow.com/The-Moon-Is-Beautiful-Isn%27t-It

i find it hard to accept that the origin of the phrase has nothing to do with the fact that 月 (tsuki, moon) sounds similar to 好き (suki, like/love). can any native speakers chime in?

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#44
post #16
post #4

> it was kind of rude to send a text to people while they are probably sleeping Not the point of the article, but this is a personal bugbear of mine - no it wasn't. Text-based communication is asynchronous. It's rude to _expect_ that someone is present and available if you message them out of the blue (or, rather - rude to get upset if they don't immediately reply), but it's not rude to send the message in the first…

Whenever I use delayed send at work, it’s for optics. If I’m working outside of business hours (a few instances per week) I don’t like to slack my direct reports because I personally don’t want to create an “always on” culture at our company. If your manager messages you at all hours of the day and on weekends, it can become unclear whether the same is expected of you. So, I like to delay messages to 8am the next mor…

Indeed. My circadian rhythm is set later than some of my colleagues, so if I'm working on something between 2200 and 2400, I set emails to be sent at ~0700 - 0800, when I know they'll be starting work.

I get no sort of he's-a-hard-worker credit for working late, but plenty of up-and-at-'em plaudits when they receive an email at what they think of as the "correct" time of day. Meanwhile, I'm asleep, and catch their first round of replies when I wake up. It's somewhat ridiculous, but not a big deal.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The same perspective exists in multiple places in Europe as far as I can tell. It certainly does where I come from.

Surprising for me. Can you maybe share some links?

Not really, just some anecdotes.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#46

> In Western culture, if someone suddenly and unexpectedly confessed this to you so quickly you would start running, I think. As a Chinese I can't wrap my head around the concept of running away because someone loves you. So to enter a relationship with someone you have to not love them while still loving them...?! Do western people all have fear of commitment? I'm just glad I'm married now (to a Chinese girl) and no…

In my understanding of culture, native born American, to tell someone you “love” them implies a great deal of intimacy and trust. The word implies something that must be built over time and is unique and lasting. It often has an implication of confirmation after you’ve dated someone long enough to re-affirm that you want an even more serious relationship.

There are lots of variations on that theme, but the point is that when it’s offered without the backing of a safe and intimate, developed relationship, it reads more like “I am obsessed with you”. It can suggest a failure to be in touch with your own emotions and/or a gigantic failure to see and appreciate the recipient as an individual. An obsession with surface appearance or even the speaker’s own fantasy about the recipient.

“How can you love me? We barely know one another. I don’t know that I currently trust you enough to have even shown the parts of me you could claim to love. You must love your own conception of me and I don’t trust that.”

That said, variations on “I like you” are basically the same sort of relationship-opening confession and are often welcome. It’s considered normal to “like” someone’s public and non-intimate social identity enough to want to get to know them more (through more intimate dating).

The other big confession to note is “can we be exclusive/go steady?” This one implies you like someone enough that you’d prefer if you and they focus exclusively on this relationship. Its rejection may end the relationship (or may not, it can be done lightly) and usually comes between “like” and “love”, if it comes at all. Not everyone practices dating non-exclusively.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#47

I read carefully the first half of the article then scanned the rest, so I may have missed it; it didn't seem to also mention "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?", which is a poetic way of saying I love you as well: https://www.tsuki.world/world/the-moon-is-beautiful-isnt-it https://www.wikihow.com/The-Moon-Is-Beautiful-Isn%27t-It

i find it hard to accept that the origin of the phrase has nothing to do with the fact that 月 (tsuki, moon) sounds similar to 好き (suki, like/love). can any native speakers chime in?

Soseki was very refined and wouldn't go for such a pun.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#49
post #26

I find it really lame that this article includes a long list of "fails" instead of successful examples.

Successful confessions are all alike; every unsuccessful confession is unsuccessful in its own way.

Slightly more seriously, the format of a confession is pretty basic ("I like you, wanna hang?") and the article does include several canonical versions. But at the end of day it's just confirming that the attraction is mutual, and most of the fails are about randos totally failing this part.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#50
This feels very similar to namorar in Brazilian culture, which is a verb that is basically means "become/be an exclusive couple".

If you've started going on dates, then at some point someone will ask the other to namorar. It's a very explicit ask, e.g. "let's be boyfriend/girlfriend".

While in the US it's not unusual to just organically become a couple and never actually discuss it "officially", the official ask is usually a really meaningful event in a relationship in Brazil. Technically it means that hooking up with someone else before it wasn't cheating, but afterwards it definitely is.

But namorar is definitely not "love". And you'd never declare it before going on a first date. Usually it would be after several weeks/months of dating, depending on how serious you felt about each other.

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