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Dating, education, and sex ratios

robkhenderson.com

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Re: Dating, education, and sex ratios

#41

Post by throw-ru-938 »

sho_hn wrote: post #26
andrewmcwatters wrote: post #18

To speak frankly, what are women doing with all this supposed surplus of education? I don't exactly see turning tides in terms of women beginning to dominate markets or leadership positions because they're starting businesses and startups and taking over boards and middle management positions. Anecdotally, I've seen these single women, they're all waiting until they're past their 20s to find a partner and they expect…

> they're all waiting until they're past their 20s to find a partner and they expect them all to be complete people by the time they meet them I don't think this is female-specific. I see a lot of young men around me delaying "getting serious" into their mid-30s too, and have very high standards by that point. I'd include myself. I met my wife at 30, and by that time I was also looking for someone in a similar life s…

Yeah, that's possibly me in five years.

Re: Dating, education, and sex ratios

#42

Post by EatingWithForks »

andrewmcwatters wrote: post #18

To speak frankly, what are women doing with all this supposed surplus of education? I don't exactly see turning tides in terms of women beginning to dominate markets or leadership positions because they're starting businesses and startups and taking over boards and middle management positions. Anecdotally, I've seen these single women, they're all waiting until they're past their 20s to find a partner and they expect…

I don't believe women past their 20s are "too late in life" to be seeking a partner.

I for one would not want to have a long-term partner with someone below their 20's. They're too young, cannot even go for a casual heart-to-heart over beers/wine, and have no understanding of budgeting, tax analysis, healthcare planning, or any other number of basic adult administration. I'll have to parent them though this, which is supremely un-sexy.

Re: Dating, education, and sex ratios

#43

Post by thowaway6060 »

I mean the research is nice, but I don't think that just a degree is going to up your chances. As someone who is using these apps constantly, I don't have any hope of finding a long term partner on there.

I am on pretty much every app, except Tinder (Bumble, Hinge, okcupid, pof and even muzmatch (im south asian)). I have a bachelors, and I make good money. I've been told that I am a decent looking guy and I have quite a few hobbies. It's easy for me to make friends, so I don't think I fit the programmer stereotype.

I am on these apps with the explicit intention of finding a long term partner and I've made it clear, but it seems that >95% of people are there for flings, fwb or casual hookups.

I am starting to realize that dating apps are broken, if you are looking for a serious relationship - there's just no way you are going to find it on here.

The focus of the study has been on guys with higher education, and from what I've seen girls here are not that well educated. Perhaps this is a small city phenomenon (pop. 1.5 mil), but it's quite shocking to see this disparity (That's another topic).

Take this as you will, maybe it's just me venting or whatever, but it's tough out there and these apps are just not it.

Re: Dating, education, and sex ratios

#44

Post by majormajor »

andrewmcwatters wrote: post #32
sho_hn wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> they're all waiting until they're past their 20s to find a partner and they expect them all to be complete people by the time they meet them I don't think this is female-specific. I see a lot of young men around me delaying "getting serious" into their mid-30s too, and have very high standards by that point. I'd include myself. I met my wife at 30, and by that time I was also looking for someone in a similar life s…

Yeah, I see the same problem with young men, too. People say the dating pool turns in their favor by the time they get to their 30s, but you've missed out on an entire possible era of your life together with someone at that point. And the dating pool absolutely does not look the same.

"More people are waiting until their 30s to settle down" is a wildly different claim than "women are asking too much."

If the dating pool looks a lot different after that decade that also suggests that a lot of people are still "settling down" earlier, too.

So is the claim that "women are asking for too much, and too late in life" based in 30something men who fucked around in their 20s not having grown up as much as the women during that decade or something?

I met my wife in my 30s, on an app even, I also found I had lost patience for women who acted like they were in their early or mid 20s still.

Re: Dating, education, and sex ratios

#45

Post by sho_hn »

seniorThrowaway wrote: post #36
sho_hn wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> More like most women don't find men who program interesting/fun. I hear a lot of heterosexual male SW engineers lament this, but I find it not true in practice. We live in a world dominated (and even inundated) by messaging that navigating technology is a recipe for success. It usually pays decently to well. Programmers don't have dating problems from their profession.

The issue is that the personality traits that tend to correlate with good programming and software engineering - logic, reasoning, detachment, analysis, thinking outside the box - don't tend to correlate well with interpersonal and especially romantic interpersonal relationships. In order to be successful in relationships, those types of minds have to consistently and constantly do things they consider completely irr…

All these things have their own kind of logic to them. It's possible to learn/train people/empathy. There's a lot of people who can't get themselves to believe that it's worth investing, in though. But people skills do come in handy, also when solving non-romantic problems at scale.

Re: Dating, education, and sex ratios

#47

Post by throw-ru-938 »

sho_hn wrote: post #37
andrewmcwatters wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I see the same problem with young men, too. People say the dating pool turns in their favor by the time they get to their 30s, but you've missed out on an entire possible era of your life together with someone at that point. And the dating pool absolutely does not look the same.

It's definitely true that my wife I say "I wish I had met you five years earlier" a lot, e.g. around things like starting a fam. There's something to what you say there, it gives you more runway in HN parlance.

Then again, it's not guaranteed she would appreciate you-but-five-years-earlier, and vice versa. A person probably undergoes a bit more character development than a VC firm does.

Re: Dating, education, and sex ratios

#48

Post by chongli »

maxsilver wrote: post #39
pizzafeelsright wrote: post #12

What I find interesting and I am curious if these conversations can happen anymore. I no longer discuss anything related to gender, relationships, or personal life dynamics with anyone outside of my bubble. I would enjoy the conversation, learning about another's ideas and understanding although despite assurances of maturity and openness conversation ends due to their inflammatory pronouncements. I do not believe id…

> conversation ends due to their inflammatory pronouncements. Where are you? In the US, most of us still have these conversations about gender, relationships, and life dynamics all the time. (If anything, this is arguably 70%+ of everything we talk about, among friends and acquaintances in the community). > although despite assurances of maturity and openness conversation ends due to their inflammatory pronouncements…

What’s the average age of people in your social group? I’m guessing over 35. It’s a very different story if you try talking to people in their 20’s or younger.

Re: Dating, education, and sex ratios

#49

Post by JimtheCoder »

thowaway6060 wrote: post #43

I mean the research is nice, but I don't think that just a degree is going to up your chances. As someone who is using these apps constantly, I don't have any hope of finding a long term partner on there. I am on pretty much every app, except Tinder (Bumble, Hinge, okcupid, pof and even muzmatch (im south asian)). I have a bachelors, and I make good money. I've been told that I am a decent looking guy and I have quit…

"I am starting to realize that dating apps are broken, if you are looking for a serious relationship"

Dating apps are optimized for usage, not success. If you find a serious relationship, you stop using the app (Hopefully).

A dating app that helps you find a long term partner has failed to maximize your LTV

Re: Dating, education, and sex ratios

#50

Post by Conscat »

maxsilver wrote: post #39
pizzafeelsright wrote: post #12

What I find interesting and I am curious if these conversations can happen anymore. I no longer discuss anything related to gender, relationships, or personal life dynamics with anyone outside of my bubble. I would enjoy the conversation, learning about another's ideas and understanding although despite assurances of maturity and openness conversation ends due to their inflammatory pronouncements. I do not believe id…

> conversation ends due to their inflammatory pronouncements. Where are you? In the US, most of us still have these conversations about gender, relationships, and life dynamics all the time. (If anything, this is arguably 70%+ of everything we talk about, among friends and acquaintances in the community). > although despite assurances of maturity and openness conversation ends due to their inflammatory pronouncements…

I think 70%+ might not be the right proportion for all or most people in the US. It's hard for me to estimate, but irl conversations I've had mostly skew towards media, computers, and gossip. Gender dynamics is in there for sure, but I don't think it's what most people I've met want to talk about most of the time. It's kind of a depressing subject.
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