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What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

theatlantic.com

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Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#341

Post by friend_and_foe »

Theres a line between someone who expects you to drop your friends and prioritizing your partnership over friendships. Usually that line is time and a good understanding of the motivations of your potential partner.

I've known women that prioritize their friends over their partners. They wind up taking each others advice to leave their men, they wind up lonely, raising children by themselves, resentful of one another and with a lot of regrets. They end up settling for men they don't respect just to stave off the loneliness and all the relationship problems that come with that.

If you want a family, prioritize family. That means being selective of who you choose to partner with, making a conscious choice to be good to that person, and telling your friends to get fucked when they think they can tell you how to live your life.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#342

Post by umeshunni »

paulddraper wrote: post #265
dash2 wrote: post #23

As advanced countries' systems for marriage and child-rearing continue to fail, there is a constant demand for cope. What if we learned to love being single? What if we substitute friendship for marriage? 64 ways to enjoy retirement on your own! This is the collective version of listening to an alcoholic explain why he doesn't have a problem.

Someday, maybe we'll figure out that maybe age-old institutions -- marriages, families, churches, communities, nations -- have irreplaceable roles for the well-being of humanity.

agree with most of those, but nations are a relatively new concept. Till 100-200 years ago in most regions, people had little loyalty to the concept of a nation. They were more loyal to their tribe, religion etc

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#343

Post by paulddraper »

umeshunni wrote: post #342
paulddraper wrote: post #265

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Someday, maybe we'll figure out that maybe age-old institutions -- marriages, families, churches, communities, nations -- have irreplaceable roles for the well-being of humanity.

agree with most of those, but nations are a relatively new concept. Till 100-200 years ago in most regions, people had little loyalty to the concept of a nation. They were more loyal to their tribe, religion etc

More like 300-400 years, but sure.

You can see it as the modern extension of the tribe (lingual dialect, culture, religion), but over a greater area due to homogenization.

(Though perhaps we have gone too far in that respect...the USA in particular is a very large diverse country.)

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#344

Post by nkingsy »

JumpinJack_Cash wrote: post #288
0xr0kk3r wrote: post #172

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"seldom duplicated elsewhere" I hear this same sentiment from marines, cops, fireman, and fraternity members. I also hear it from Masons, Elks, Shriners, etc. I don't understand why men have to think they've "discovered" something about lifelong bonds that is exclusive to just men's clubs. My guess is that men are taught not to have strong emotional bonds with anyone but their mothers or wives, and then think it is s…

> > I don't understand why men have to think they've "discovered" something about lifelong bonds that is exclusive to just men's club It's special because you risk your life together. You kill the enemy together while it's conspiring to kill you and your friends, but you manage to outsmart them and get to live. Also Nature, when Nature comes at you and you find a way to dominate and resist the elements and ride it ou…

Going out to talk to random strangers and dance triggers that “close call” juice too. The problem is the restrained head bobbing.

I’d take it over all my adrenaline-junkie hobbies. Something pure about the charged verbal joust. Once I get a little taste of that sweet sweet validation (usually imagined), I just keep building myself up until I decide that I’ve taken over the club (as a poorly dressed middle aged sober married man who doesn’t touch anyone or take any numbers), then I move on to a new challenge and feel the party energy die as I leave and just laugh at the poor thirsty masses I leave behind.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#345

Post by [deleted] »

parpfish wrote: post #88
barelyauser wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why you place your side projects above your friends?

i always get a kick out of how HN people talk about their "side projects" rather than their "hobbies". just let your hobby be a hobby instead of turning it into a pseudojob.

[deleted]

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#346

Post by qwerty456127 »

parpfish wrote: post #88
barelyauser wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why you place your side projects above your friends?

i always get a kick out of how HN people talk about their "side projects" rather than their "hobbies". just let your hobby be a hobby instead of turning it into a pseudojob.

For me it's not a pseudojob, I code tools for myself to help me in my endaevours. Perhaps I will publish some someday, maybe I won't.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#347

Post by qwerty456127 »

barelyauser wrote: post #70
qwerty456127 wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How do you have time for friends besides your spouse after you do jour job, chores, fitness, sleping, education, side projects and random tasks which emerge every now and then? I do have some great friends but only meet them a couple of times a week even though they live very close to me.

Why you place your side projects above your friends?

Firstly - because I'm an introvert and I more often feel like doing something interesting or necessary alone or together with my spouse, secondly - this list is not really sorted by my priorities, I actually put my education (which mostly is self-education in areas mostly unrelated to my job) much higher.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#348

Post by rayiner »

thomastjeffery wrote: post #312
philwelch wrote: post #304

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> How much of that is social expectation? Yes, we can change social expectations and boundaries. We did change social expectations and boundaries. It was called the "Sexual Revolution" and it happened over half a century ago. It's old news. This is where we've ended up since then.

I'm still trying to find the waves of that revolution. Maybe I just need to get the fuck out of Utah... I could really use an aftershock.

Utah is like the most successful place in the country now. In 500 years, the country will be Latinos, Muslims, and Mormons.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#349

Post by rayiner »

dash2 wrote: post #23

As advanced countries' systems for marriage and child-rearing continue to fail, there is a constant demand for cope. What if we learned to love being single? What if we substitute friendship for marriage? 64 ways to enjoy retirement on your own! This is the collective version of listening to an alcoholic explain why he doesn't have a problem.

The question is--will the market self-correct, or will it stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent?

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#350

Post by xracy »

nashashmi wrote: post #339
thomastjeffery wrote: post #329

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's "a" framework, not "the" framework. Therein lies my entire point.

Your argument was, you are not me. But you are.

I'm so confused how this could be the case unless you're actually arguing with yourself across 2 different accounts.

The alternative is definitely that you don't understand that people are different from you, which is pretty wild to me.

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