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Poll: Do you get along with your parents?

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Re: Poll: Do you get along with your parents?

#21

Post by don-code »

I get along well with my parents today, and generally always have (for some definition of "get along"). That said, it took me into my 30s to really figure out where my parents fit in my life. In spite of the dynamic we had through the earlier half of my 20s, I don't have to act as they do, or think what they think.

I've since learned that some of my own dissonant thoughts are really just echoes of things that my parents would say. Recognizing that has helped me eliminate many of them. Step one was being my own person, which I could do while I still had those types of thoughts, but step 2 was realizing why the thoughts were there, and being able to move past them.

I still think the best thing I did to improve my relationship with them was move out.

Re: Poll: Do you get along with your parents?

#22

Post by creakingstairs »

I wish. I had cut tie with one of them (which was really hard for me with Asian upbringing) but have since reconnected, only to be disappointed again and again. And I gotta tell you, it hurts every time.

I understand and empathise how they came to be like that but I still cannot truly forgive them. I wish I can forgive and be at peace one day.

Re: Poll: Do you get along with your parents?

#25

Post by voisin »

I did, and then I didn’t, and then I did enough self work to realize how my parents’ traumas shaped them and how that affected my childhood, my own issues, and our relationship. Now I am left with compassion for them and sadness for what could have been but wasn’t.

I have kids now and am working daily to break the patterns of intergenerational trauma, hoping to have with my kids what I couldn’t with my parents.

Re: Poll: Do you get along with your parents?

#26

Post by jeltz »

irrational wrote: post #23

Yes, but mostly after I had kids (and especially teenagers) and realized for myself that, yes, I was the asshole. The fact that humans let most teenagers live to adulthood says a lot of good things about the human race.

For me it is more the other way round. The older I get the less understanding I have for them. As a teenager I got along perfectly with them but now that I am almost 40 I realize that they were pretty shitty parents. Especially when I realize what they did to my siblings.

Edit: To expand I have more sympathy with my mother because I know of some of her traumas growing up. But I have a harder time to excuse my father.

Re: Poll: Do you get along with your parents?

#27

Post by blastro »

My dad suffered a massive cardiac arrest and multiple strokes a few years ago. He fortunately survived, but that wiped away any resentment I had stored up towards him or my mom. Now I know that part of me doesn't care how different we are, I will miss them when they're gone no matter what. I recognize my privilege and fortune in this regard.

Re: Poll: Do you get along with your parents?

#30

Post by nerdjon »

For me it is a yes, but it took a while.

There were some early struggles and awkwardness around me being gay (nothing really bad and I am grateful that I never felt unsafe)

There was the awkward years after being an adult that our relationship had to shift and it took until my mid twenties before it really shifted to, you don't have any control over me anymore and we are equals. There were some fights around this.

For me this took moving about 600 miles away and being able to become my own person.

Now obviously there are plenty of things that they don't know about me. Often will hear about things I did after the fact instead of like with friends and just talking about future plans.

But I regularly text my mom (like she asked me about the D&D) movie and we generally talk on the phone once or twice a week.

Being completely honest the pandemic helped, we talked a lot more.

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