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Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

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Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#21

Post by torial »

I think it is important to understand each kid is different, that they have different things they respond to, different dreams, different strengths.

I try to engage my kids around that, and try to encourage them in their strengths, help them through their weaknesses.

I also try to give advice when they are flustered. Listen to them when they are excited. Help them hash through their passion projects (my 3 kids have very different desires: so one is building games and I give him game / coding feedback, one is writing a book and I help him w/ his worldbuilding and story beats, one is working on internet influencing so I brainstorm and assist with technical issues).

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#22

Post by torial »

hnuser847 wrote: post #15

My entire life I believed that my childhood was pretty decent, and fairly privileged even. My parents provided a safe and stable home environment in a wealthy suburb of Chicago, sent me to some decent public schools, took me on nice vacations, and paid for my college in full. After having kids of my own, a flood of disturbing realizations came to me about all the things they didn't do . For example, my parents never…

I would encourage you to look into attachment theory -- it'll have some good advice for dealing with the childhood influences on your current relationships and how to overcome them. Personally, I've found Thais Gibson's videos to be higher in density than most who talk about attachment theory.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#23

Post by sdfghswe »

tikkun wrote: post #14
sdfghswe wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My toddler is 18 months right now and he never stops long enough for me to get a whole phrase out. How have you taught him "emotional regulation"?

By physical actions. I don't explain much to him, I do it / show it. When he's upset, I put a hand on his back (bare skin) and hold it there, or I hold him on my chest while he breathes and I breathe with him. Or if he falls over and is further away from me, I look at him, take a few big breaths and suggest that he takes some breaths. By 18 mo he was often doing the deep breaths automatically.

No offense - I don't doubt that he does deep breaths if you've shown him deep breaths, and that's pretty cool - but don't you think it's a stretch to call that emotional regulation?

What I mean is, if someone showed me "deep breaths" I wouldn't conclude "people have emotions, they can affect us adversely, some times we don't control them if we're absent minded, better put some conscious effort into keeping them in check", least of all when I was 18 months.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#24

Post by lewdev »

* Read everyday. It's hard in the beginning because they lose interest easily, but consistency is key. * Always keep things interesting for them. This is hard because there will definitely be activities you want to do but the kids will find boring or too difficult. * When they get older, at least 5 years old, start a sport. I've been taking my kids to judo. It takes a ton of time for me, but I know it will do them good if they keep at it. I grew up practicing judo, so that helps. * We've watched many anime series together. Definitely watch "Avatar the Last Airbender" and "One Piece." * I'm a gamer, so we've played a lot of games together: Minecraft (of course), Mario 3D World (on Switch), Castle Crashers, Minecraft Dungeons, and other co-op beat-em-ups.

I honestly don't know if it's the most valuable things to do because my kids are still young. I have 4 now, but I believe always finding time to spend with them and have things to talk about is most important no matter what it is.

I always liked this advice: Don't give the things you've never had, teach them the things you didn't know when you were young.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#25

Post by kayge »

Lots of good advice here already, but I'll add one I haven't seen yet: set a good example of regularly exercising at home if possible. My boys are around 8 and 10 now and after seeing me consistently train over the years, they are both showing interest in going for runs with me, doing bodyweight exercises, and they keep asking me about "trying the weights" (which I'm avoiding for now until I've had more time to research the old advice that they need to wait until teen years). This might be a bit of a balancing act to make sure they don't end up overly obsessed with body image, fad diets, etc but as others have said, your kids will often mirror the behaviors they see... so remember to go easy on yourself too :)

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#26

Post by neverartful »

Read to them when they're young as often as you can. It's a great bonding experience, they love it, and its very helpful to their development. Be there and show you support them and care about them. This goes for all the things they're involved with (school, sports, organizations, activities, etc). Let them be silly and you be silly with them. Find some activities that you both enjoy and do them together. Make time for them regularly. Frequently tell them that you love them.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#27

Post by Glawen »

MarkMarine wrote: post #9

My basis for good parenting: show up, don’t be crazy. I take both seriously. I’m not being trite, I structure my work day so I have real time with my son every day. I do activities that we can do together on the weekend, some that he enjoys and some we can enjoy together. I work every day on modeling good behavior for him, I don’t get frustrated when he is acting out, etc. don’t be crazy when you’ve got a two year ol…

This, simply. Be there, be reliable, do something with them, make them discover things.

I feel that people take it as huge endeavour to raise a child. It is a big task indeed, but there is no need to go over the top.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#28

Post by duringwork12 »

sdfghswe wrote: post #23
tikkun wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

By physical actions. I don't explain much to him, I do it / show it. When he's upset, I put a hand on his back (bare skin) and hold it there, or I hold him on my chest while he breathes and I breathe with him. Or if he falls over and is further away from me, I look at him, take a few big breaths and suggest that he takes some breaths. By 18 mo he was often doing the deep breaths automatically.

No offense - I don't doubt that he does deep breaths if you've shown him deep breaths, and that's pretty cool - but don't you think it's a stretch to call that emotional regulation? What I mean is, if someone showed me "deep breaths" I wouldn't conclude "people have emotions, they can affect us adversely, some times we don't control them if we're absent minded, better put some conscious effort into keeping them in ch…

I do the same thing with my kid and a lot of the time it helps with stopping and tantrum and getting my explanation in.

I also got him to do a few times a full 5 minutes of yoga in a row jaja.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#29

Post by tikkun »

sdfghswe wrote: post #23
tikkun wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

By physical actions. I don't explain much to him, I do it / show it. When he's upset, I put a hand on his back (bare skin) and hold it there, or I hold him on my chest while he breathes and I breathe with him. Or if he falls over and is further away from me, I look at him, take a few big breaths and suggest that he takes some breaths. By 18 mo he was often doing the deep breaths automatically.

No offense - I don't doubt that he does deep breaths if you've shown him deep breaths, and that's pretty cool - but don't you think it's a stretch to call that emotional regulation? What I mean is, if someone showed me "deep breaths" I wouldn't conclude "people have emotions, they can affect us adversely, some times we don't control them if we're absent minded, better put some conscious effort into keeping them in ch…

It sounds like you're talking more about the knowledge of what emotional regulation is and what it means - totally agree that at 18 mo he had approximately zero understanding of that.

I'm talking about the practiced/done skill of emotional regulation. Seeing his ability to self-soothe relative to other kids at 18 months, it's very clear that he has a solid amount of the skill of emotional regulation, even without any understanding of what it means.

Re: Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?

#30

Post by sdfghswe »

tikkun wrote: post #29
sdfghswe wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No offense - I don't doubt that he does deep breaths if you've shown him deep breaths, and that's pretty cool - but don't you think it's a stretch to call that emotional regulation? What I mean is, if someone showed me "deep breaths" I wouldn't conclude "people have emotions, they can affect us adversely, some times we don't control them if we're absent minded, better put some conscious effort into keeping them in ch…

It sounds like you're talking more about the knowledge of what emotional regulation is and what it means - totally agree that at 18 mo he had approximately zero understanding of that. I'm talking about the practiced/done skill of emotional regulation. Seeing his ability to self-soothe relative to other kids at 18 months, it's very clear that he has a solid amount of the skill of emotional regulation, even without any…

I will start doing this.
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