Earlier quoted context omitted.
There's a bunch of things I'd like to have them do. If they could span across machines like clusters that would be amazing. If I could trivially package them up and deploy them locally with intrinsically less effort and wall-time then the old way, that'd be amazing. If I could somehow get the horizontal scaling promises and redundancy as some kind of built-in, like I can with say, memcache, that's be cool. If I could…
Your asks seem easily answered with docker + kubernetes. Actually, this is in fact the use case for kubernetes — a fault tolerant distributed system running arbitrarily, simply packaged code. This has to be what you’ve tried — what issue are you running into?
I still recall the day when my local Docker builds necessitated a new router to properly manage streaming traffic at home while I downloaded a few GBs of layer images. Or the time I wanted to setup a 'simple' hosted Kubernetes cluster of my own in my lab for testing, only to discover the nightmare that is networking on it. Then there was the grim discovery that Docker containers were much more sensitive to the hosting environment than I had assumed, resulting in some fun "but it worked and tested fine" moments.
Did they all work eventually for me? Yes. Was it simple? Not by my standards.
If you find all that simple, kudos to you.