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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#341

Post by lannisterstark »

akvadrako wrote: post #172
lannisterstark wrote: post #138

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ugh, no thanks personally. I know that the friend I'm hanging out with will get my jokes - inside jokes, weird humor etc. Now I have to worry about an entire group, some of whom may not like my humor, and now I have to put on the 'you're in public, be brusque and minimal' anxiety filled mask, and can't open up as I would in 1-1 or 1-2 with a friend or just a couple of friends. Now add that to other people invited who…

This is a weird persective for me, who mostly hangs out in groups. I've never thought about having to impress each individual member of the group at once or that I should be brusque; I dont even know what that means. And we have plenty of inside jokes and weird humor.

>And we have plenty of inside jokes and weird humor.

You've never had a person or two in the group that was sensitive?

>I've never thought about having to impress each individual member

It's not about 'impressing everyone.' It's more about being conscious that everyone may be listening to your comments and/or judging you. This gets worse the more anxious person you are, and/or if you were an introvert.

I don't think it's a great idea to tell those people to 'get over it' either as we used to in the 80s.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#342

Post by CRConrad »

gabereiser wrote: post #249
chainwax wrote: post #245

Anecdotal, but if you're looking for friends as an adult you should get a bicycle. I've moved 3 times in my adult life, and have made a solid group of friends each time by signing up for group rides, etc. Ages range from late twenties to seventies. You can usually find these on social media or by talking to a nearby bike shop. This doesn't just apply to urban centers either. Gravel and mountain biking is huge, and ge…

OneWheel group rides, Bike group rides, Motorcycle group rides, plenty of opportunity. Mountain Biking is hit or miss, there are some snobs in that sport, road cycling as well, but for the most part all of these are great options to get outside and find like-minded people. Maker groups, meet ups, etc for those not physically inclined. Book clubs, music clubs, and things exist. I met some really good friends from D&D…

> OneWheel group rides

Nah, learning the unicycle seems too difficult just for the off-chance of making new friends.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#343

Post by CRConrad »

mike1o1 wrote: post #302
reacharavindh wrote: post #127

Oh how very true. I’m going through at this very moment. As a dad(of a 4 year old), having moved to a new city during COVID, it has been a struggle to find friends. Although I do attend a few meet-ups every now and then, play tennis in a group, take Dutch classes, I just could not meet anyone often enough to become friends with. Whenever I try to organise something to hangout, it’s a nightmare to find a time that wor…

For moms there is the Peanut app ( https://www.peanut-app.io/ ) which my wife has had a lot of success with setting up playdates. Doesn't appear that there is something similar for Dads, though.

Why does an app to set up “dates” between kids need to be gendered on the parents in the first place?

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#344

Post by icpmacdo »

sgtnoodle wrote: post #193
HealthNeed wrote: post #83

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Man, I have been approached by guys like this, we have a good conversation, then they try to sell me something. The last few times someone has struck up a conversation with me out of nowhere it was to try and sell me something. I go to the gym every other day during lunch. Been doing it for years. Literally the only people that have ever talked to me were these MLM bros. It made me feel profoundly sad the last time i…

I can't say I really made any deep friendships, but they were fun "fair weather friends" to go to the bar with in my 20's. I'd say about half the people involved in that crowd were vapid. The other half were misfits desperate for a community. I myself appreciated the intense social focus on health and exercise, and the radical diversity of thought compared to my work social circle. At the time I was relatively dissat…

Thanks for sharing your experiences I found this very interesting. As you said yourself, an eclectic group of characters!

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#345

Post by genocidicbunny »

prmoustache wrote: post #183
genocidicbunny wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm glad that worked for you. My experience has become that as my friends groups have gotten older, getting larger groups together has become very difficult. You have to plan it far enough in advance that everyone has sufficient notice, you need a venue large enough to host everyone, people have kids that need to be accommodated somehow, and everyone also lives further apart. All of these mean that we've gone from ge…

You shouldn't obsess on having everybody or even the majority of your groups together. Besides your friends also have friends and vice-versa that aren't part of your circle so you shouldn't even think of having any kind of exclusivity. People come and go in your life. What I am struggle with aren't local acquaintances but friends that aren't local to me anymore.

At this point, the obsession isn't about having everybody or the majority present, its about having the minority, or even anyone at all, present.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#346

Post by CRConrad »

whstl wrote: post #133
F-W-M wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I live in germany and work in an international company. I am the only german on my team. A lot of the younger colleagues blame their difficulties on making friends on german racism and stay in their expat circles, but the truth is: it's hard for everyone here.

I'm an expat (immigrant?) in Germany. IME expat circles are a problem in itself. People who cling to them end up leaving much quicker than people who mingle with natives, or mingle with people from other nationalities. Not only you don't make long-term friends in those circles (because people are constantly leaving the country), but there's a lot of negativity and shit talking. You need to at least make an attempt to…

> I'm an expat

Mefh...

> (immigrant?)

Upvote.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#347

Post by baby »

rektide wrote: post #80
baby wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s a scaling issue. If you have a lot of friends 1:1 don’t scale.

Strongly disagree. It's not a scaling issue. 1:1's don't renew. You have to keep feeding the relationship. The relationship can be extremely rewarding for chit chat & conversation, but it could drop at any point, and become a memory. It has no self-maintaining spirit, no ability to repair itself if one person loses some availability or time. A group can fend for itself in a far different way. Assemblages can have mem…

I don't think we disagree, my point would be that you need both. But if you rely on 1:1 only you're either quickly going to lose friends or spend all your time in 1:1 (or not make new friends at all, as you can't make new friends in 1:1)

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#348

Post by CRConrad »

glonq wrote: post #337
the_only_law wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Where do you live? I’ve always seen people rave about meetup but most of the time when I’ve downloaded it’s filled mostly with scammy crap (MLM groups and similar business schemes), “entrepreneurs” trying to “network” and hyper specific demographic groups (40+ singles hiking group or whatever)

Ditto. My local meetup.com is MLM, networking, pub crawls, new age mumbo jumbo, self-help/therapy, and niche demographics. Where the hell are the normal people? Where can I find folks into morning jogs, woodworking, sailing, road trips, 3d printing, burritos, and international travel?

> My local meetup.com is MLM, networking, pub crawls, new age mumbo jumbo, self-help/therapy, and niche demographics.

> Where the hell are the normal people?

On the pub crawls, obviously. Duuh.

> Where can I find folks into morning jogs, woodworking, sailing, road trips, 3d printing, burritos, and international travel?

Huh?!? I thought you were looking for normal people, so what would you want with those weirdos?

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#349

Post by neop1x »

csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

An an introvert I have a different experience. When I am with a larger group, people start talking to each other about subjects that don't really interest me, and I tend to switch to listening mode, not interacting much with anyone. I can converse for hours with one person, however.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#350

Post by majikaja »

twixfel wrote: post #224
majikaja wrote: post #221

As someone with a young child this thread feels really odd. I can't imagine the time to ponder such things in between a full time job and parenting (no, 'friends' are not necessary to start a family). What are you all expecting? That you meet a bunch of compatible people and your everyday lives become like the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Or is it a desire for more of an emotional co-dependency wi…

Casting friendship as "emotional co-dependency" is surely the height of combined individualism and cynicism. You may have no time for friendship, but lots of people do.

I could have been more cynical. I could have said it's often a means of collusion to allow certain regions of the population to elevate their status within the wider group and take advantage of those who are not as well connected. Or simply for people to turn their surroundings into an echo chamber.
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